


Coinquinatus

by LadyJanriel



Series: Silent Taint [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Tendencies, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-23
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-03-31 21:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 48,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3992947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyJanriel/pseuds/LadyJanriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Silentium had always been more than just a scar on his back; more than just a horrid vow. It's just a shame Sora and his friends didn't see that until now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Silentium
> 
> You must read Silentium in order to understand this story!
> 
> Also, it's completed but I don't want to spend my whole day editing these chapters so I'll upload a chapter a day until it's finished (or something like that)

Ever had one of those nights where you kept on waking up for something and fell back asleep only to continue whatever dream you were having? Well, I had one of those nights. I can't say I remembered the dream either; it was something random and ridiculous.

Something about chocolate covered moogles, floating fruits and storm clouds that rained skittles all over Twilight Town. If you stuck out your tongue to catch a skittle, you'd turn into a candy cane and bled raspberry…

Huh, that's a bit disturbing.

"Roxassss…" droned a distant voice within my extremely messed up dreams.

Go away, I'm trying to sleep.

"Wake up sleeping beauty! It's a beautiful day for the beach."

I groaned, loudly and in annoyance, but that only ignited a chuckle from the voice above.

Suddenly, I felt something soft and plump press against my lips in the form of a kiss. My nightmarish candy land shattered into darkness and snapped me back to reality leaving me a little more than confused and seriously disturbed. Even in my sleep induced confusion I knew whose lips were pressed against mine, if the sweet scent of cinnamon caressing my senses were anymore of a dead giveaway.

He was probably smiling. He was always smiling, especially when it came to me.

"Ugh, Sora!" scoffed the familiar voice of another boy. It sounded like a completely disgruntled blonde—definitely Hayner—from the other side of the room. "Dude, c'mon. That's definitely not something I want to see so early in the morning."

Another boy, Riku this time, laughed on the other side of the room. His voice sounded slightly groggy with sleep-he must have just woken up. "I knew we should have made you sleep with the girls instead."

If my eyes were opened, I would have seen his adorable puppy dog pout on that cherubic face of his, but since my eyes were still too heavy with sleep, I could only have the pleasure of imagining it.

"Hey! Being gay doesn't automatically make me a girl, Riku!" he huffed. "Besides, what makes you guys think I'm the uke in this relationship?"

Did he just imply what I think he just implied?

Riku and Hayner suddenly burst into laughter, their voices quickly echoing throughout the bedroom we all had been sleeping in. I took the opportunity to snap out of my sleep haze, my lashes finally fluttering open to the sunlit room that was Pence's.

I was right; Sora really was pouting like a dejected puppy while his "friends" were laughing their butts off on their sleeping bags.

We spent the night over at Pence's for a sleep over since his house was the closest to the beach, or at least as close as you could get. Olette originally wanted us to use the time to finish our summer homework, but everyone knows how that works out. We still had a month of summer vacation left, who the hell wants to do homework so early?

"Well good morning sleeping beauty!" Hayner guffawed. His cheeks were tinged red from laughter.

Sora suddenly spun around, his eyes widening in shock the moment he noticed I was awake and smiled weakly.

"Ho-how much did you hear?" Riku and Hayner managed to stifle the rest of their laughter in order to hear me.

Even with all that's happened in our first year I realized my voice never really rose up in volume. My voice was just above a whisper, but still low enough to easily miss. Sora never really minded, just as long as I kept talking; Naminé and Cloud were already used to my tone that it never really bothered them. But to Hayner and Riku-and everybody else in general-always had to lean in a little closer just to hear what I had to say. It didn't occur to me at the time-or maybe it did-I wondered if maybe there were still remnants of silentium left in my subconscious?

I narrowed my eyes with no real emotion behind them—I just liked seeing that sheepish expression on his face—and felt my arms automatically cross against my chest for dramatic effect.

"So you think I might be the uke in this relationship? Need I remind you exactly who it was that got the flamboyant uke card last year?" I insinuated the words carefully and slowly. The corners of my mouth twitched for a smile the moment I saw Sora's eyes twitch at the memory of his infamous card.

Hayner and Riku made sure Sora never forgot his result card from then. They teased him constantly throughout our spring semester and even went so far as to post up photocopies of the card all over his locker. It haunted him. And I doubt it would ever stop.

They were still laughing at the memory, though their boisterous laughter had dropped into near silent snickers, but silence quickly fell over us the moment Pence's door flew open. Pence stood at the door, already dressed for the beach with a beach towel folded under his arms and a bright smile plastered on his face.

"Glad to see everyone's already awake!" He beamed. "Breakfast is ready downstairs and the girls are already getting changed. We have an hour to catch the train so you guys better hurry up. I don't want to miss the beach again this year."

Pence's eyes instantly glanced toward Hayner, the blonde's eyes slightly widening at the stare before his brows furrowed in disapproval. "You know it was an accident Pence. Get over it." The blonde huffed. He slipped out of his camouflaged theme sleeping bag and began to gather his things for the day.

Sora and Riku glanced at each other before they shared identical grins. Their eyes flashed with recognition-a memory no doubt-and they chuckled in silent amusement.

Childhood memories. I was starting to resent them. I know it was petty of me to, they had a life of their own before I stepped into their lives (More like before Sora forced his way into mine) but I couldn't help the sting of jealousy that bit into me. It was happening a lot lately.

Olette told me the story once, about the time she and the gang wanted to spend a few days at the beach. Hayner was in charge of the munny pouch because he, according to Olette, insisted he was the most responsible out of the six of them. Of course, Hayner being the oh-so-responsible one had an accident that involved a stranger slamming into his arm and pick-pocketing their cash when he wasn't looking. It wasn't his fault, no one really blamed him for it, but Hayner was stubborn. He spent two weeks sulking over the incident. Now they only poked at the memory for fun, which annoyed Hayner to no end.

I don't blame him, I'd be annoyed too.

"Hey Riku, is your brother going to be at the party?" Sora asked, already forgetting our uke-seme conversation. (Irritation flashed through my senses, but I ignored it in favor of listening to them.)

That was one thing I both liked and disliked about him; he had the attention span of a goldfish and a memory as bad as a cats.

Riku shook his head, his bedridden silver locks bouncing around unusually. Their usual tamed manner completely distorted into unnatural spikes against his face and head. He ran his fingers through his hair subconsciously, sea-green eyes darting toward the clock with illuminated blue numbers.

"Doubt it," He replied. "He has to work."

"Again? Doesn't your brother know the meaning of the word 'vacation'?"

"Yeah, well, you know Sephiroth." He shrugged.

Their conversation was soon interrupted by the loud growl of rumbling stomach acid. I sighed loudly, feeling their eyes dart in my direction before I rose to my feet.

"I'm hungry. See you guys downstairs." I bade them a quick farewell before leaving the bedroom.

OK, there's something I have to admit. It's been a few months since Sora and I started going out officially—eight months to be exact—and we're taking it slow. Really, really slow. To paint the picture, the farthest we've ever gone to being remotely intimate was French kissing and the casual inappropriate gropes here and there. We've dropped suggestive glances and made sensual advances, but…

It never escalated into anything else. And I have to say, it was all my fault.

I'm not saying my body didn't want it, hell no, that's a damn lie. Sora is attractive enough to get ravaged on the spot. It was just… tainted.

My heart panged at the thought.

I heaved a heavy sigh, finally reaching the last steps of the stairs and slipped into the dining room where Hayner and breakfast awaited.

Thinking about things like that always soured my mood. Whatever excitement I had for the beach party today (why are we always going to parties anyway?) dissipated and left me to brood instead.

Damn it, I didn't know Gloom Cloud was contagious. Stupid older brother!

Hayner didn't notice my existence until I sat down at the head of the table, the only chair that was closest to me at the time. He tore his eyes away from the vanishing pancake he was devouring and arched a curious eyebrow at me.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked. He probably noticed my brooding.

"Nothing," I mutter picking up one of the empty plates and slipping a pancake onto it.

"You know, you've been acting really weird lately. You've been a lot more silent than usual."

Silence. The word still makes me cringe. I hate it.

My family hates it.

My friends hate it.

Yet, why am I always falling silent?

_Tainted_

The word flashed through my head a second time, a sense of guilt following its heels.

"I did used to be "mute" remember?" I said with a grin. It was a poor attempt to excuse myself, to lock away the unsettling emotions swirling inside, but Hayner wasn't exactly perceptive, so he didn't notice my fail attempt at being nonchalant. I grabbed a golden brown pancake from the pile of pancakes Pence's mother had made for all us and drowned it in a sea of syrup before I sliced it open with a little more vigor than normal.

I glanced at him, to see if he noticed my knife-happy moment, but he wasn't looking at me. Instead, his eyes were focused intently on his half-devoured pancake, those brown eyes swimming with guilt and embarrassment at my words.

Silentium wasn't something my friends felt comfortable with, even though it had been half a year already.

We sat in silence after that, him finishing up his breakfast while I worked my way through. Seconds later—though it felt like hours to me—Naminé and Olette decide to grace us with their presence. The two were already dressed in their swimsuits with their tank tops and shorts covering whatever questionable bikinis they probably wore. Naminé beamed happily while Olette's warm smile slipped across her lips—the back of Hayner's neck instantly turned tomato red.

They've been going out for almost as long as Sora and I have and Hayner still found himself blushing at Olette's smile. He's whipped.

"Morning!" Naminé greeted. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah."

"You guys excited as we are about the beach party? Pence thinks there might be a fireworks display too." Olette said while grabbing a pancake of her own.

I quirked an eyebrow. "How does Pence know all these things?"

"There's something called gossip Roxas." answered the brunet. I didn't know Pence was the type to gossip. Pence joined the rest of us in the dining room, one basket in his left while the other held onto a cooler for our celebratory sea-salt ice cream.

Naminé and Olette giggled at Pence's reply, but I rolled my eyes, unable to brush off the overwhelming déjà vu that gripped me. When it came to Pence knowing about things he shouldn't possibly know, it was best not to question it. Gossip could only take a person so far.

Suddenly, my attention shot away from the dining room at the sound of a familiar voice. Sora, already dressed for a day at the beach just like Riku, entered the room with a look of a kid starving for candy. The duo grabbed the last two plates on the table and piled on the remaining pancakes. They sat beside each other at the table (Naminé and Olette stole the seats on either side of me.)

I eyed them discreetly; something poisonous bubbled deep within the pit of my stomach, almost making me sick to the point that I nearly regretted pouring so much syrup on my pancake. Tainted flashed into my mind again, this time the word intensified the poison in my stomach, but I held my jaw tight and tore my eyes away from them. The poison didn't feel like the jealousy I felt from earlier before. It felt much sicker than that. Stronger. It brought anger and pain and frighteningly enough-hatred. Hatred towards whom, I didn't know. I know Riku is a jerk one-hundred percent of the time, but that didn't mean I hated him. He was Sora's best friend. Hating him was not an option.

But why did I feel this way?

I couldn't call it jealous because it wasn't… but it felt extremely close.

I tried to steer my thoughts away from uncharted waters and reminded myself that Riku and Kairi were in a relationship. I had no reason to be jealous because Sora was mine and I was-

Riku and Kairi are popular. Who's to say they were going out? Hugging each other in public, holding hands, shamelessly playing tonsil hockey in front of your embarrassed friends-who's to say they're not just friends with benefits?

Paranoia. I know I'm being paranoid.

I know I'm unreasonably judging two of Sora's closest friends.

I know I'm trying to find an excuse to hide behind the silence, to escape something scarier than manipulative Marluxia and Sadistic Larxene.

_Tainted_

The sound of familiar laughter forced me out of my Gloom Cloud and brought reality back in a dizzying, unsettling fashion. Riku and Sora were laughing, loudly, at something I must have missed because the next thing I knew, the others were laughing just the same. It was then I noticed that Kairi had finally joined us, though for how long I wasn't sure. She sat beside Olette, which was right across from Riku while Pence filled the basket and the cooler with snacks his Mom had prepared for our trip.

A soft, quiet voice off to my side stole my attention away from the rest of the table. I leant toward the voice subconsciously, waiting for whatever my twin had to say.

She smiled at me, though it was small and her cerulean eyes were laced with worry. Worry that was directed toward me.

My heart panged with guilt.

"Are you OK?" she whispered, loud enough for me to hear but quiet enough that no one else could.

I smiled, bright, happily—so completely fake I wouldn't be surprised if she saw right through it. "Yeah, I'm OK." It's not in my nature to lie, just like it's not in Sora's nature to be dead serious about anything but sometimes it happens.

This was one of those moments.

"You sure?" Figured she'd be suspicious. She is my twin, after all.

I nodded, my false smile faltering slightly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics belong to "My Funeral" by Dope; "Lonely" by After Forever
> 
> Damn this story is so old.

Damn it, I'm going to kill Cloud for infecting me with his gloom-germs the moment I see him. It was one thing to think to yourself, but it was a completely different thing to brood over absolutely nothing! Throughout the whole trip on the train, I did nothing but think. Think of what, I couldn't say, because my thoughts were a fragmented chain of utter bullshit.

Cloud will die by my hands, I swear it!

When we finally arrived at the beach, we weren't greeted by a sparkling beautiful sea, the gentle breeze of sea-salt scented air or sand hot enough to burn the bottom of your feet. We were greeted with scantily clad bikinis, topless men and a foul stench of booze in the air. Oh yeah, it looked like the whole population made entirely of college and high school students decided that today of all days would be perfect to visit the beach.

Every square inch of sand was covered in sandcastles, footprints, beach blankets, girls sunbathing and discarded beer bottles. Ugh. There are too many people here. Too many eyes. I am not comfortable with this.

The eight of us trailed in one line—Pence being leader since it was his idea for a beach party in the first place and me at back since my Gloom Cloud was really starting to distract me. He led us through the thicker crowds of beach bodies and further down the beach until we found a perfect spot big enough for all of us that wasn't too far from the ocean but not too close to the massive crowd of drunken idiots either.

The moment we claimed it as our own, everyone dropped their things: beach blankets, towels, umbrellas, the two coolers and the baskets of food.

The girls instantly stripped off their clothes—neither one of them meaning to make a show of it, it just turned out that way—and adjusted their bathing suits comfortably. Its times like this that I'm grateful Naminé took enough consideration when shopping for a bathing suit.

She wasn't dressed in a skimpy bikini like the other girls around here; instead she wore a one piece, designed completely black despite the massive amount of white clothes she always wore back home. The black had a sharp contrast against her pale skin. It made her look almost sickly, but the subtle curves of her body and the halo of blonde that was her hair kept her from looking anything but angelic. It was then I realized just how pretty my twin was. I couldn't help but feel my heart swell in pride.

Olette's swimsuit was just as modest but maybe less so. She wore a tankini; the upper half of her bathing suit was orange and decorated in white swirls. The bottom half of her bathing suit was a solid orange and hugged her lower body rather comfortably. I'm not surprised by her swimsuit choice. Olette's favorite color was orange after all and it complemented her in every way. (Hayner looks like he's about to have nosebleed.)

"Oh my god Hayner, your nose! Hold on, I'll get you a tissue." Heh thought so.

Kairi clamped her hand against her mouth, trying her best to stifle her giggles while Olette struggled to find a tissue in the basket for Hayner's gushing nose. Kairi was the only one in the group wearing a bikini and surprisingly enough it's not hot pink like I thought it would be. It's purple, completely solid purple. Her bikini wasn't as scandalous as the itty-bitty strings some of the other students were wearing, but it was enough to insinuate her lean, curvy figure. It wasn't demeaning, but it wasn't completely modest either. It kind of surprised me to be honest.

Okay I admit it; sometimes I don't give Kairi enough credit. She didn't exactly give me the greatest impression last year. (Especially after she tried to seduce Sora into falling in love with her and kissing Hayner.) But she wasn't a bad person; she was actually quite nice… until you get her angry…

The next set of clothes to go was the T-shirts from the guys. Riku stripped off his white T-shirt in a matter of seconds, showing off his muscular physique under the bright rays of sun.

I can already hear those fangirls squealing.

"KYAAAAAAHHH~! RIKU MORIKAWA! WE LOOOOOVE YOU RIKUUUUUU!"

Oh wait, that's real.

The silveret ignored his fan base. He flicked some of his silvery locks of hair away from his face and grabbed the suntan lotion Naminé passed around. (Did I say 'ignored'? I meant 'enticed'.)

Hayner's shirt joined Riku's on the floor, followed by Pence—who was not all bothered by his chubby figure—and then came Sora's.

Unlike Riku's muscular body or Pence's chubster figure or Hayner's thin physique, Sora's body was toned, tanned, lean and completely mouth watering. And I'm not just saying that because he's my boyfriend. He might not have been completely fit like Riku, but his body was hot enough to have those fangirls squealing like banshees.

And then there was me, the only one still wearing a shirt and blue swim trunks. I don't plan on taking this shirt off for the life of me, even if it's been a year since the incident—this shirt stays on.

My scars were my business, no one else's.

_. . . Tainted . . ._

The moment Hayner got his bleeding nose under control he rushed off into the water with Sora, Riku, Pence, Kairi and Naminé. I stayed under the shadow of the umbrella, smearing suntan lotion all over my arms and legs in case of sunburn.

Unlike Sora, who tans nicely in the sun, I burned like bacon. I don't plan on burning red and peeling for weeks because I was too forgetful with the suntan lotion.

Olette was the same. She rubbed lotion all along her bare skin, even smearing a thin layer against the apples of her cheeks before she leant back against the beach chair we brought and opened her romance novel.

Since it didn't look like Olette planned on resurfacing from her trashy love novel, I pulled out the ear buds to my MP3 player, turned up the volume and watched the fun pass me by like the brooding teenager I inherited from Cloud.

You're so dead nii-san. So dead. Dead. Dead!

Just as I thought it, something bright, blonde and spiky danced in the corner of my eye. To my (pleasant?) surprise, I spotted my brother's group of friends further down the beach. It looked like Cloud's friends thought some sunshine would benefit him too. Cloud sat under the umbrella, shirtless, his own well toned body glistened beneath a layer of recently applied suntan lotion and his hand clutched what looked like a beverage—probably alcoholic. Then again, I wasn't sure if my stiff ass brother was ballsy enough to cut back and relax with a little alcohol.

Still, I'm a little jealous. I don't think its fair how Cloud and his friends can drink while we can't.

Sitting beside him was the longhaired brunette Tifa, dressed in a revealing white bikini, sheen of suntan lotion glistening just like Cloud's against her flawless skin. I could only imagine the various bystanders that would stop and stare at them as if they were celebrities. Those two always managed to keep their bodies fit for moments like this. They weren't alone either; Aerith sat beside Tifa. In her hands, she held a magazine and underneath the bright rays of sun, she looked more beautiful than usual. Off in the water was Leon, who apparently was trying to win a splash war with Rinoa Heartily—his girlfriend.

_What would happen if I couldn't take it?_

_Just break without any signs up front_

_Would someone pick it up?_

_Would someone help me out?_

What the heck is playing on my MP3 player?

Thanks to the completely random song I had no idea was on my player to begin with, my train of thought derailed the second time that day. Glancing down at the device in my hand, I swirled through the library hoping to pick out a song that fit the mood. Someone's finger curled around the white wire of my ear buds and pulled a lot harder than they needed to. The connection snapped between the ear buds and the MP3 player, letting the music play loudly:

_It's my funeral_

_Welcome you all_

_This is the end of the line_

_So thank you for coming along_

_My time has come_

_I don't wanna leave you behind_

_But this one I'll do on my own_

Of all the songs on my playlist, it has to be this one that plays! Ugh, someone up there really doesn't like me. Even as dense as Hayner could be, there was no possible way he could ignore a song like that.

And just as I expected, Hayner's expression told me everything I needed to know. He was confused, but something else lingered behind his eyes. Something akin to suspicion. I stopped the song, re-connected the ear buds to prevent anymore weird songs from playing then turned my attention to Hayner, whose eyebrows were scrunched together.

"Wow Roxas," Hayner began. "That's a depressing song."

"Yeah well…" My voice died halfway. There wasn't much to say about that.

"Anyway, you guys seen Tidus yet?"

I shook my head in reply; my eyes focused intently on shuffling through my playlist while Olette beside me remained silent. By her silence, I figured she hadn't seen the blonde either. Hayner sighed in defeat then turned on his heel and returned back to the ocean where the others waited for him.

The moment the blonde left and silence fell between us, Olette took it to her advantage. She dropped the romance novel on her lap and pulled the wire of my ear buds again, this time popping the right side out of my ear just when I had managed to slip them back in. I glared at her in a show of annoyance, but the brunette brushed it off without a care. Her green eyes flashed with the same emotion Naminé's eyes had: worry.

Oh great, another one.

"Are you okay?"

I snorted. "You know, you're the second person to ask me that today. First Naminé, now you." I smiled, still as small as last time but a lot more convincing than when I just woke up. Unlike Naminé, Olette can't read me very well. "I'm fine."

The brunette's eyebrows furrowed for a moment, as if she were mulling over the possibility that I was lying. Then, ironically, she smiled. Her eyes grew more sympathetic by the second.

"Fine, huh?" She gave a quick laugh, as if brushing off the possibility that I could be anything other than fine. "Do you know what that means? Fine: Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional. So you're "fine", Roxas?"

I was speechless. Not because Olette broke down the meaning of "fine" but because… she cursed. She cursed and she smiled when she cursed. Olette? Cursing?

No. Way.

"Huh?" I replied ever so eloquently.

She smiled again, but her sympathy never once left her eyes. "I read it somewhere once when I was sad. It made me laugh a little, but it opened my eyes a bit." She suddenly sighed, her leafy green eyes quickly glancing back to the ocean where the rest of our gang awaited. "Roxas, if there's anything wrong—anything at all—you know you always have someone to talk to. If you can't talk to Sora or Naminé, know that I'm only a phone call away."

"I won't pretend to understand the terror you went through, but I do understand what it feels like to be sad," she continued, her eyes never once turned my way. "You have people that care about you very much. Please, please don't think that you're alone. We're all here for you, okay?" She finally turned my way, her green eyes strangely glassy and sorrowful.

I don't think I've ever seen Olette cry before…

I don't like it. I don't like what she's insinuating either.

"I'm not going to kill myself Olette. Honest."

She gave a careless shrug, her smile never once faltering and her tears never falling. I guess Olette is like Kairi too, she would never cry in front of anyone.

-x-X-x-

That little talk with Olette made me paranoid, more so than usual.

We've been at the beach for more than two hours. The sun already made its way through the blue sky and the beach party had only just begun. The music of the DJ sounded through the air, the beats of music pulsating against the breeze and fighting to drown out the sounds of waves splashing against the rocks.

Most of the college and high school students had already started dancing, the girls in their too-skimpy-for-comfort bikinis moved about, skin grinding against skin with any guy willing to participate while the other half of male college population started handing out the real fun: the alcohol. They brought bottles of liquor and vodka, some sake, some rum and regular beer cans that majority of the third years decided to drink rather than the harder drinks. Red and blue plastic cups were passed around, silver metallic kegs rolled right out of various trucks and soon, the real party was going to start.

And when it did, that was our cue to leave.

None of my friends were really up to the whole drinking. Naminé absolutely refused to get anywhere near an alcoholic beverage. She would always scrunch up her nose at the smell and flat out smack the offending drink away if it got too close for comfort. Olette was the same and Kairi's excuse was that alcohol wasn't really her thing.

I agreed with her. A drunken Kairi would be too scary to deal with.

Pence didn't seem to mind the alcohol that was passed around, but rejected offers of the drink more than once. He didn't have a problem with drinking like the girls did; he just didn't like the way it settled into his stomach. Ironically, Riku refused any drinks too. You'd think a guy as popular as him would end up partying like all the other third years, but nope! Not Riku Morikawa, he had to be a saint. His excuse?

"I'm a third year now, I don't want potential universities looking at me and finding pictures of me drunk on the beach because I had too many bottles of beer to drink."

Well gee, I had no idea he cared so much about his academic career.

"Hey look! They're already starting the drinking games." Sora commented, pointing out to a specific group of jocks holding up one of the kegs of beer.

That was our cue to leave.

Olette and Naminé started rolling up the beach blankets while Hayner and Pence took down the umbrellas. Sora, who had waited long enough, began to pass out sea-salt ice cream as a means of celebration. (Celebration for what, I still had no idea). He handed them out, Riku first—because he was the one nearest to Sora at the time —Then down the list of friends until he was left with only two.

Me, being the ever so anti-social brooding teenager at the moment, stood far away from the group, eyes locked to the group of jocks chugging down the gallons of alcohol that spilled from their mouths. If my friends hadn't been here, and Naminé and Cloud weren't so damn close, I think I would have joined in their drinking games. I know it's bad to think that I wanted to get piss drunk, but anything was better than feeling the way I do now.

Being completely numb and fuzzy and giddy sounded so much better than the barrage of emotions swirling within my chest.

Paranoid, confused, antsy, weird, left out, lonely…

_. . .Tainted. . ._

I sighed; long, heavy—so full of conflicting emotions I hadn't felt since . . . last summer.

I shouldn't feel lonely. I have the greatest boyfriend in the world by my side who smiled at me every day, practically glows whenever he sees me smile and always worries about my well being whenever I'm sick. Sora's a good person to love, he's affectionate, optimistic, and energetic… he's a piece of Heaven on Earth. Anyone would kill to have him as a boyfriend! And yet…

_. . .Tainted. . ._

"Roxas!"

"Huh?" Snapping back to reality, I realized my view of the jocks were obscured by a pair of bright crystalline blue eyes, tanned skin and a shock of cinnamon colored hair. I blinked for a moment, the train of my thoughts derailing dramatically in my head the moment I realized that Sora was only inches away. In his grip, I noticed, were two sticks of ice cream melting all over his hands.

He stared into my eyes intently, a ghost of a pout still visible on his face as if he were deciding whether or not he should pout for my frequent dazing or if he should pout because his ice cream is thirty seconds away from falling off the Popsicle stick.

"Are you okay?" He furrowed his brows in concern. Third time today. "I called you seven times already and you didn't notice. Your ice cream is gonna melt, you know." He handed me the melting treat; his fingers coated with the sticky liquid as it ran down the stick he held.

I wasn't hungry and staring at the melting treat only made my stomach twist uncomfortably. But not eating my favorite ice cream in the world would tell him that something was seriously wrong. I couldn't risk that, not when Naminé and Olette were suspicious enough.

I smiled lightly, taking the treat into my hand. He mirrored my smile happily, except his was wider and brighter and a lot happier than my own. The poison from my stomach stirred. This time it was in my heart of all places, but its influence was still as strong as it was that morning. It bit into me, forcing the hurricane of conflicting emotions swimming through my blood into a frenzy of chaos, but I pushed it all aside frantically and acted on impulse.

Sora was about to wipe the blue liquid on his swim trunks when my free hand grabbed his wrist. He jumped at the unexpected contact, his blue eyes widened in curiosity, but I kept silent and brought his fingers toward my face. They brushed against my lips, a faint scent of seawater tickling my senses lightly. Before he could make the connection, I brought one of his fingers into my mouth and ran my tongue along in a slow, sensual manner, lapping up whatever sticky ice cream that coated his beautiful tanned skin.

_Tainted. Tainted!_

Instantly, Sora's cheeks flared bright red, no doubt the back of his neck burning in embarrassment from the public display of affection but the sudden hint of lust flashing in his eyes was enough to tell me that he was enjoying this. I slipped his index finger into my mouth; suggestively sucking up whatever left over ice cream I could find—my tongue purposely caressed the skin on his finger with slow little flicks before I pulled away completely.

This was as far I could ever go. This display of seductive affection was all I could muster the courage for before the screaming of my subconscious drowned away all my courage and desire. They were hopeless, empty promises of a future that might never come. It was a future that I wanted desperately. It didn't matter if it was just a dream that might never come true; it didn't matter if Sora and I were destined to fail sometime soon, at least I could say that I did this with him, that there was once upon a time an us and not just him and me.

My train of thought derailed unexpectedly, snuffing away the hurricane of insanity that escaped for a brief moment.

"Thanks for the ice cream." I managed with a smiled. My tongue sensually licked across the frozen surface of my ice cream-more empty promises. Sea-salt ice cream tasted better when it was on Sora.

His cheeks burned darker than his tan, his own tongue subconsciously licked his lips hungrily. "Ye-ye-yeah." He stammered, his ice cream threatening to fall right of out his fingers if his grip didn't tighten soon. This little fact made me bloat mentally…

…Until my moment of pride was shot, stabbed and ripped to shreds by the continuing echo of tainted and Riku's obnoxious voice.

"Hey you love birds! We'll miss the train if you guys don't hurry up!" Riku's voice sounded against the beating music, almost going unheard to Sora's ears if it hadn't been the known fact that it was Riku that called out to us and shattered the seductive atmosphere I had purposely created.

I'm being paranoid again.

He snapped out of his euphoric daydream, reality crashing down on him hard the moment he realized how exactly packed the beach had become. He shook his head briefly, cheeks still stained red. He linked his fingers in my hand and pulled me toward the others.

-x-X-x-

The train ride home felt a lot longer than the ride getting to the beach. My Gloom Cloud had settled on me again and despite my various thoughts and daydreams, the train ride felt like an eternity.

Maybe it was because of what Kairi said.

When we finally got on the train and settled down alone in one of the carts, Kairi suddenly smiled, her own blue eyes making contact with Sora's before she burst out into fits of giggles. Now Sora, the ever so curious one, wanted to know what was so funny.

"Do I have something on my face?" He frowned, natural concern worming its way into his voice that only made Kairi giggle harder.

"No silly, of course not." She smiled. (The way she smiled at him made my heart squeeze in pain and jealousy.) "What's funny is what today is. Do you remember?"

_Childhood memories._

Jealousy turned to poison and poison turned to hatred. Again, I didn't know who it was directed toward, but I had a faint idea.

Sora frowned in confusion. "No?"

The wine haired girl giggled again, her cerulean eyes rolling playfully at him. "Gee thanks Sora. I'm happy you would remember such an important day as today. Maybe I shouldn't tell you since you don't remember."

"Hey no fair Kai! You don't just bring that up and not tell me when you know I wanna know." He pouted cutely at her.

My heart wrenched painfully in my chest just as another pain gripped my arm for a moment. The pain in my arm didn't compare to what I felt in my chest, it numbed out before I could even bother to check. I didn't mind it anyway, I didn't want to watch Sora and Kairi's interaction anymore, but like a bug attracted to light, I still didn't completely look away either. I must have made a face though, because both Olette and Riku were staring at me with concern in their eyes. Well, Olette had concern. Riku only looked at my hands as though they were the most fascinating things in the world.

"Today's the day we made that promise to each other back when we were kids. Remember?"

Suddenly, Sora's eyes lit up in recollection with memories of years ago. He smiled brightly, nodding his head enthusiastically: "Yeah, I remember! We promised we'd be together forever. So far so good right?"

She laughed, her right hand unconsciously coming to rest against the golden heart-shaped key necklace she always wore around her neck. "Yeah," She smiled. "So far so good."

I think Sora's definition of "together forever" was radically different than Kairi's definition. But, maybe that was just me being paranoid. Kairi was a nice girl; she would never turn her back against her friends for the sake of unrequited love. She knew where Sora's heart belonged and she knew nothing would change his mind.

Right?

The sharp pain in my heart intensified.

Riku suddenly cleared his throat, effectively grabbing everyone's attention on the train. "I don't know about you, but don't you think that is a little bit painful?" He made a gesture toward his arm as if trying to show us something. It only confused the rest of us. That is, until Sora looked toward me, his eyes widening for a split second. He gently pried my fingers away from my right arm, pain still absent from the crescent moon shapes my nails had tore into my flesh.

All eyes were on me in an instant, a mixture of confusion, curiosity and worry flashed through their numerous eyes.

"Whoa, you're bleeding." Hayner pointed out.

"You really didn't feel that?" Pence asked next. His brows were furrowed in disbelief.

"I'll get some disinfect from the basket." Olette said calmly, though her eyes spoke a different story.

I avoided Sora's worried gaze and focused on the small trails of blood that seeped down my arm. I couldn't feel it even when I knew logically it must sting. The echoes of pain lingering within my chest hurt more than my arm did even though I knew I wasn't hurt physically anywhere near my heart. So why…?

It hit me like a ton of pricks, the slow realization that both Olette and Naminé had already suspected, but I was too blind to notice it now: I'm not okay.

I was far from okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Errors? What errors? I AM SO LAZY -cries-


	3. Chapter 3

_Tainted. Corrupted. Defiled. Infected._

My brain won't stop chanting. It was like there was a voice in my head that kept whispering those words within the darkness of my mind. It was like a broken record player constantly reminding me of what may actually be my sanity slipping away. I know I'm being ridiculous, I've scolded myself so many times for it already. I can't believe myself.

I know I'm not paranoid.

I know I'm not lonely.

I know he loves me and he loves ME alone.

He doesn't care about what happened with Marluxia and Larxene.

He doesn't care that the whole upper part of my back is scarred for life with the words silentium.

He doesn't care that I practically mutilated my arm-okay I'm being a little over dramatic about that. I'm still not sure how it happened. I mean, I should be in control of my hands, right? How did I not notice that I was cutting into my skin with my nails? And worse yet, why didn't I feel it?

Sora says he looks past it, the scars, my experiences, they don't define me. Everything is in the past and everything has been taken cared of. I need to move on. Yeah, that's the most logical thing to do…

So… why am I stuck? _(Why am I scared?)_

_Because I'm tainted._

I spent most of the night staring blankly at the sky. Having given up on sleeping only three hours ago, I stood on my knees, drew back the curtains and unlocked the windows.

Twilight Town will never see the night of darkness that was a fact I had to get adjusted to the day Cloud told Naminé and me that the sun was stuck on permanent twilight. The residents here have gotten used to it, but it still bothers me. I never get to see the stars. And it was moments like this, when sleep evaded me, that I wished it was dark. This canvas of red, orange and yellow was not comforting.

It reminded me too much of the trails of blood that seeped from my arm during that ride on the train. I still can't believe I did that to myself without realizing it. At least Sora brushed it off. Though, I don't think Naminé and Olette will drop it any time soon.

I stood in front of the window for a while, my eyes locked intently on the never-ending scenery of twilight; my mind blank of thoughts, yet still troubled with emotion. At least Twilight Town had a change of weather so it wasn't completely abnormal. But still, it wasn't very comforting-then again, I'd rather think about the abnormalities of Twilight Town than the echo of insanity playing through my head.

_…Tainted…_

I don't understand what's wrong with me.

 

Sleep deprivation sucks. This weather sucks. Morning sucks. Summer sucks. _My life sucks._

I'm brooding again.

It's eight in the morning; way too early for high school kids like me to be up during the summer, but this is completely normal to Cloud and Naminé. Well actually, it's normal to Naminé. Cloud was the lucky bastard still asleep upstairs while Naminé was busy making breakfast for the two of us.

During the summer, our mom worked extra hours at the hospital for extra pay. She always said she did it for us, so that the next holiday break we got, she was able to take us some where nice. The last time we went out on vacation together was when I was ten and that was years ago. I started thinking Mom only worked extra shifts to get away from us.

Then again, I'm being paranoid…

"Onii-chan, would you like some breakfast?" Naminé asked, dumping a whole load of scrambled eggs on her plate. She slipped the pan back onto the stove and grabbed the second, sliding the greasy curled bacon onto the plate and separated her breakfast with two rolls of cinnamon.

I haven't seen breakfast this extravagant since our birthday, which got me thinking, am I missing something here?

"What's the occasion?" I asked as she sat down with a glass of juice.

Cerulean colored eyes gazed up at mine. Her blonde eyebrows knitted in confusion. It wasn't until she eyed me and her food did she make the connection. She laughed.

"Onii-chan, just because my breakfast is amazing doesn't mean there's a special occasion. I'm just hungry." She smiled, her fork suddenly stabbed into her eggs. "Want some?" She offered me one of her cinnamon rolls and me, having had nothing to eat since dinner last night, took the treat greedily.

I bit into it. The soft gooey dough sprinkled with cinnamon and icing spilled onto my tongue deliciously. I loved it when cinnamon rolls were fresh.

I didn't notice at first—with the cinnamon rolls being so godly—but my sister kept watching me with an amused expression. I pretended not to notice, instead focused everything I had on enjoying the pastry. On my last bite, she sighed loudly and stabbed her bacon. It made a loud clank with the plate beneath.

"So," she tried again, "How's your arm?"

"It doesn't hurt." I shrugged.

"Mm," she nodded absently. "How are you and Sora?"

Her question caught me off guard. I choked on the last bit of cinnamon and winced when it ran down my esophagus harsher than it should. "Wh-what?" I managed to choke out, trying my best to steady the string of coughs. "We're f-fine." (Olette's definition of "fine" instantly flashed in my mind: fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. We're fine.)

Naminé eyed me skeptically and said, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure—" but she never heard. She started to talk over me. "Because he came to see me last night after you went to bed."

Something in the tone of her voice stopped me and I stared intently into her eyes. She was accusing me. My own twin, who was supposed to take my side for everything, was boldly and outwardly accusing me. The look on her face ignited the anger I felt whenever Kairi or the others brought up some childhood memory I wasn't a part of. It suddenly infuriated me that Sora came to see my twin last night without even telling me.

Jealousy bit into me like a vicious animal.

"Oh really? And why is that, I wonder."

"He's worried about you." She said bluntly. She ignored my tone of irritation, like she usually did when we were having an argument. "Everyone's worried about you. We know you've been gloomy lately Roxas. You've been distancing yourself from everyone, especially from Sora." She sighed, the extravagant breakfast on her plate growing cold by the second. "He wants you to know that if anything is wrong, you can always talk to him. He'll always listen."

I used to be so good at masking my emotions. I was the unreadable book whose words never made sense because my words were riddles within riddles. But my reputation as "Mr. Unreadable" shattered the moment a certain brunet came into my life. He saw through my riddles and found the real meaning of who I was with ease. He made me speak, he broke the silence and helped defeat my demons, but he made a mistake. He didn't realize how torn and stained the pages of my heart had become. He left me wide open.

I can't hide myself anymore.

And it feels like the more stained pages I find, the more I want to tear them out and rip the pieces.

"Onii-chan?" Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts. She was still watching me, still trying to read me just like everyone else lately. But I won't let her, not this time. I love my sister, but she wouldn't understand. The anger I felt toward her disappeared, but the bite of Jealousy was still there.

"I know imouto," I smiled, small and feeble—small hints of what inner turmoil that swirled in the pit of my stomach—but it looked real and that was all that mattered to me. "I'm sorry; I guess I have been acting a little weird." A little was an understatement, I knew that, but I didn't want Naminé or anyone else knowing what was going through my mind. It was bad enough that everyone was worried, especially with my stupid stunt on the train. I didn't want to give them a real reason to worry.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not with you."

She smiled brightly; her blue eyes suddenly twinkled in realization. "You know what would be so romantic?" She grinned slyly at me. My stomach involuntarily churned with worry.

I shouldn't ask. My twin is a devil in an angel guise. I knew whatever "romantic" thought processing through her head wasn't anything I wanted to be caught dead doing. Yet, I asked her anyway and she responded with an angelic smile. What she said made me want to slap myself for the rest of the day.

 

Its official, I've completely lost my mind. That or the sleep deprivation and hunger made me weak in will. I knew Naminé's plan was going to involve humiliation in some way, I don't know why I let her talk me into it.

It's a little after 8:30 in the morning, the whole Leonhart household should still be sound asleep in their beds, yet here I stood, right outside my boyfriend's window with a pebble wedged between my thumb and finger. This is too cliché for me.

Naminé thought the whole thing was romantic, especially since Sora thought I've been emotionally distant, so coming to see him by throwing pebbles at his window would have been a memory worth keeping. I would have agreed had Sora been a girl and if the whole damn thing wasn't so fucking clichéd. I don't know why girls think it's so romantic when every man in History has already done it. To me, it feels so unoriginal.

But here I was, standing in the middle of the lawn under the light of twilight feeling more and more like a stalker with a stupid rock in his hand. I can't help stress it.

"This is so stupid," I muttered clutching the pebble tightly. But here goes nothing.

I tossed the pebble at the window, wincing involuntarily at the loud clunk that met my ears. It was definitely loud enough to wake up anyone in the room but knowing Sora, he hadn't heard. Unlike me, Sora sleeps like the dead—the whole town can be destroyed and he'd probably sleep right through it.

I skimmed the dirt for another pebble and flung it hard at his window. This time, I threw it too hard. It only took me a second to react. Panic already had it's clutches around my heart the moment the pebble broke through the glass. It left behind a nasty jagged hole. I hid behind the pile of trash-not exactly the best place to hide but good enough-when the window suddenly flew open and a longhaired man with chocolate colored hair poked his head out angrily.

He scanned the empty streets for the culprit of his broken window, but huffed angrily when no one came into sight. "Damn brats." He muttered, falling back into the room and slammed the window shut.

I heaved a sigh of relief and rose to my full height. I didn't look back at the house when I made my journey back home. It's bad enough I broke Sora's window, it was even worse when it turned out to be his Dad's window.

This is the last time I listen to my sister's crack pot ideas.

 

Halfway through the walk home, my cell decided to break my train of thought. It rang with a loud chime that echoed in the silent street. With a beep, I brought the phone to my ear, half expecting to hear Naminé's curious expression or Cloud on another one of his scolding rants but to my amazement and displeasure, silent breathing was all that came on the other line.

My first impression: annoyance. If Hayner or Riku were prank calling me again, I was going to take a rock and break it through their window.

My second impression: worry. Who'd be stupid enough to get my number? The only people who knew it were supposed to be Naminé, Cloud and Sora (and everyone else Naminé and Sora gave it too).

"Hello?" I asked in a tired tone. I wasn't in the mood for games. The voice on the other end remained silent. I rolled my eyes. "You might as well say something or I'm hanging up. I'm not in the mood."

I would have hung up, even with that warning, but an all too familiar chuckle sounded from the other side. I knew that voice very well. It made my stomach flip and flutter repeatedly and my heart race whenever I heard it. The Gloom Cloud I've been plagued with recently quickly dispersed long enough to allow a grin to slip across my face.

"Are you trying to prank me, Sor? Or did you just want to hear my beautiful voice?"

He laughed, loud, melodious, and joyous—it sounded as beautiful as it was perfect. His laughter always made me smile, whether I wanted to or not, he was just gifted that way. I love his laugh more than anything.

When his laughter subsided, he took a breath. His next words sounded a lot closer to the phone than it did before, that made me think he finally brought it up against his cheek. "You called me Sor," He said (I could almost hear the smile on his lips) "You haven't called me that since summer started. Trying to suck up to me are you?"

"Trust me Sor, if I wanted to suck up to you, I wouldn't have to use words." A wolfish grin slipped further onto my face-it was another empty promise, but Sora didn't need to know that. "Sweet talking isn't the only thing my mouth is talented at."

"Roxas!" He whined. (I bet he was blushing.) I stifled a snicker, hearing the brunet shift into a better position on the other line—or was that footsteps? "We-well," He stammered, still sounding embarrassed, "Start sucking up Rox. My dad is pretty mad for what you did to our window."

Suddenly I felt my innards squeeze uncomfortably. The back of my neck, along with the rest of my face, burned hotly in embarrassment. I cleared my throat nervously. "Wha-what makes you think it was me and not, um, not someone else—something else." As if the weather wasn't already hot, the sheer embarrassment and guilt laced in my voice made my body go up in temperature.

Sora seemed to notice and chuckled lightly into the phone. I think he's enjoying my embarrassment.

"I saw you, duh." I blanched, heat instantly draining to cold at the bluntness of his words. "I didn't tell dad it was you though."

"God! I'm sorry Sora. It was stupid of me. I didn't want to do it but Naminé talked me into it and she pretty much guilt tripped me into doing it because she told me that you and everyone else have been worried about me lately and that just made me feel even more like crap so I did what she said and went to your house so damn early in the morning and I know it was so cliché, but I didn't expect the rock to break any windows. I'll pay for it if I have to! No I will pay for it, I was the one who broke it in the first place so I'll pay the munny to get it fixed and—"

Beep!

"—Sora?" I frowned; panting for breath from the long-winded explanation which turned out more as babble fest of guilt. I stood there in the middle of the street, still panting and waiting, expecting some sort of giggle or laugh or any sound that said he was still on the line, but all that met my ears was the continuous beep of a disconnected line.

My boyfriend hung up on me. Oh fuu-

Instantly, my mind kicked into overdrive. Guilt shot through my stomach so fast, I thought I was going to be sick, but panic overwhelmed my guilt and gripped my nerves in an iron hold. There was a faint trace of anger that lingered in the back of my mind, whether or not it was directed toward Sora or myself, I couldn't tell. Endless bouts of questions filled my head: does he hate me? Is he mad? Does he think I'm an idiot? I shouldn't have ranted. Oh god why did I let Naminé talked me into doing that?

_I bet he wouldn't have minded if Riku were the one who broke his window. I bet the only reason he's mad at me at all is because he knows I'm-_

_Tainted._

The word slashed through my thoughts and numbed every single sensation in my body. It drained my energy so fast I nearly collapsed to the ground in a boneless heap. I hadn't felt this empty and numb in such a long time, not since the beginning of my silence. But even under the tyranny of silentium, I hadn't felt like this, like an empty, soulless being without words, without emotions. I felt so completely and utterly numb.

It was funny how one single word could make me feel like a shadow of my former self; how it made me feel so dead inside, like my whole existence was nothing more than a tainted lie.

What's wrong with me?

"Hey," said a familiar voice from behind me. "I know how you can make it up to me."

I heard him. I heard that smile that was always on his face but my body refused to move. It refused to snap out of its lock down. I didn't even react to Sora's hand against my shoulder.

"Roxas?" His voice sounded muffled in my ears, distant and…worried. Almost like he was moving farther and farther away from where I stood but I knew he wasn't. No, that was me.

Just my sanity fleeting away to nothing…

"Roxas!" He called, louder, stronger—his hand spun my body around to face him.

And just like that, I was brought back to reality.

"Sorry," I murmured looking down at the ground sheepishly. "I guess I started daydreaming again."

Sora stared at me intently; his crystalline eyes peered deep into the pools of my own. He could read me. He could read me better than Naminé and it scared me more than I realized. A ghost of a frown formed on his cherubic face.

Sometimes I really do miss being unreadable.

"Roxas we need to talk." He stated, his hands still clutching tightly to my shoulders. His eyes never once strayed from mine. (The infamous four words.) "And before you get weird on me again, I'm not breaking up with you." He sighed; a faint smile wormed its way back on his face. "Let's go somewhere private."

 

It turned out that "some place private" was actually code for "let's go to the Usual Spot" because that was exactly where he brought me. We slipped into the room, not at all surprised by the emptiness that greeted us. Sora sat on the couch and patted the spot next to him. He gave me a cute smile-not an innocent one, a cute one, which was Sora code for "we're going to have a long and serious conversation". He beamed went I complied, but said nothing, which was good since I had to mentally prepare myself for whatever lay ahead.

He turned to me, his usual cheer replaced with seriousness. He took my hand into his own and said a bit deep for his character, "Roxas, you have a problem and I think the first step to recovery is admitting you have one."

I blinked. "Huh? What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about." He frowned. "You've been…different… since summer began. You don't talk as much as you used to, you're always out of it and then what happened on the train-" He stopped, his eyes suddenly widened in disbelief as an idea struck him. "Roxas don't tell me you really are depressed? You're not cutting yourself are you?" He cried in horror, his hands already grabbing hold of my wrist.

"Whoa Sora!" I snatched my wrist from his grasp, something I instantly regretted when he glared at me suspiciously. "Look, I'm not a cutter okay? I don't need any more scars on my body. What happened on the train was completely accidental."

"Then what's bothering you?"

I sighed heavily. I didn't even know. How could I possibly answer him when I hardly knew the answer?

"I don't know."

"You can tell me anything Roxas." He said with a frown.

"I said I don't know."

"Roxas-"

"Sora," I stared at him intently. "I don't know."

He returned the stare with such intensity and determination I almost yielded to his whim. I would have, actually, had I known what my problem was. He drew closer to me, his eyes never once losing intensity until he was literally a few inches away from my face.

I didn't notice his proximity until he drew so close that the tips of our noses brushed each other gently. My numbed senses ignited with life.

"Yes," He whispered, one of his hands slipped smoothly to the back of my neck. "You can." He mashed our lips together in a long overdue kiss.

His hand pulled me closer to him, our eyes fluttered shut and our mouths joined as one. I opened my mouth wider, silently inviting his tongue inside for a little exploration, which he took without hesitation. He slipped his tongue inside, electing a dance of dominance between our tongues that I allowed him to win. He explored the wet cavern hungrily, acting as if every taste, every nook and cranny he found untouched was like the fountain of life, so he greedily took everything in with his all.

The air grew hot around us; a strong desire for passion burned deep within my body. It made me want more of this, more of him.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, molding his body against my own. His free hand came up to my chest and pushed me down against the couch. He was still on top with our lips locked passionately.

"Mmmooorrraaa." I whined, which sounded more like a muffled moan.

He grinned against my lips, pulling away from me enough so that he could absorb the fresh blush that stained my cheeks with love and pride and overdue desire.

"Are you going to tell me now?"

Before I got the chance to reply, he ravaged my mouth again, silently reminding me that it didn't matter what horrible thoughts I was thinking of. All that mattered was that he was there, that I was his and he was mine, that all my troubles were unfounded insecurities. He pulled away for air, the two of us panting breathlessly on top of the other. The sound of his pants and the deep blush that caressed his tanned cheeks brought a new wave of heat down the pit of my stomach. His panting is so erotic…

"Fine," I sighed. "You deserve to know, even if I don't really know what's going on."

He smiled. "I'm listening."

I glanced up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact with his already passionate eyes and said the first thing that came into mind, "I've… been having these weird thoughts lately… I want to blame it on jealousy or paranoia or something but… I don't know." I heaved a heavy sigh. "I'm scared."

"Scared of what? You don't have anything to be scared about, Roxas. I only have eyes for you, okay? No one will make me change my mind. If you're scared or worried about me falling in love with someone else, don't be. I love you."

"I know. And I love you, it's just…" I sighed again, already growing frustrated with my lack of understanding. "I don't know. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe I am jealous about Riku and Kairi. Maybe I'm just scared one of them might take you away. Or maybe I'm just-" Scared that you're too perfect for someone as imperfect as me.

Sora laughed lightly. He nuzzled his nose against the crook of my neck, one of his hands still resting comfortably against my chest. "Riku and Kairi are dating each other, remember? They love each other."

Silence fell between us. This time it wasn't uncomfortable like silence usually was. It was calm and warm and maybe even a bit comforting, but it didn't last long.

"We've been together for eight months and we still haven't slept together. Doesn't that bother you?"

The brunet on top of me knitted his eyebrows together, letting the rest of my words sink into his brain before he attempted again. "Is that what's really bothering you?" His frown turned into impish delight. "You've been distant because you're frustrated?" (He chuckled for a moment.) "Rox, if you were ready we—" (His cheeks grew slightly red at this) "—would have done it already."

"I—what? What do you mean by 'if I were ready'? I am ready! It's you that suggested we take it slow." I huffed in annoyance.

"You're not ready Roxas." He shook his head in concern. "Your virginity was stolen from you. I didn't want that to come and haunt you so I thought it was better we take it slow." He smiled sadly. "You still flinch when I touch you."

"I do not." I protested, but I knew he was right. I didn't like exposing my shame, my taint. And to prove his point, Sora lifted up my shirt and ran warm fingers gently down my navel. The moment the tip of his fingers came into contact with my flesh my body reacted with a jolt that he felt. The warmth of his fingers left a trail of heat that burnt my pale skin. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, like it should have been; instead it made my skin crawl with disgust and my heart race in a mixture of shame and fear.

I felt the blood drain from my face, not realizing until then what was truly bothering me.

I was tainted. I was defiled. I was corrupted, infected-used goods-worthless scrap. I didn't deserve this affection. I didn't deserve the purity of Sora's love.

"See?" He sighed again. "Don't push yourself so hard Rox. Our relationship doesn't need, um, y-you know, s-sex to survive." He blushed shyly at the way his tongue wrapped around the word.

When I said nothing in return, he snuggled against me comfortably. His nose nuzzled the crook of my neck affectionately and his hold around my body grew tight. He smiled again, pressing luscious lips against pale skin in an innocent kiss.

Silence fell between us a second time, leaving him to happily snuggle on top of me while my own thoughts traveled back and forth between screaming tainted! Tainted! and our conversation. Him being so close to me like this blocked most of the negativity swarming in my head but it wasn't enough to reassure me completely.

A loud eerie growl suddenly filled the room. A blush crept across my face in embarrassment. How the hell did I forget about eating breakfast this morning?

I felt the smile return to the brunet's face before he pulled away from me. His legs saddled around my waist and his palms rested flat against my chest.

"You still owe me a date for breaking my Dad's window, so let's grab lunch!" He beamed brightly.

Crap, I forgot about the window too!

"Alright sounds fair." I smiled.

"Great!" He kissed me lightly on the lips before getting to his feet. "Let's go!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone know how to make line breaks in html? Because the whole space thing is driving me crazy.

Summer is tedious. It's long, too hot to do anything and monotonous when your friends go on vacation without you. And even if they weren't they're probably too lazy to do anything fun, which is the case for me.

It's been a week and a half since I last saw my friends or Sora. With mom working extra shifts and Cloud working part-time—and Naminé gone half the time with Kairi, Olette and Selphie—the house duties fell on my shoulders.

Yeah, that's right, me.

I spent a whole week and a half cleaning up the damn house! I wasn't exaggerating either, especially since I couldn't remember the last time mom bothered to clean up the house. It wasn't intentional really; it might have been more subconscious on my part, as an excuse to hide from Sora's watchful eyes. I know I'm being unfair, especially after our whole heart-to-heart conversation about my obvious gloominess, but hiding was easier than seeing him every day and hearing the voice in my head scream. Someone as wonderful and beautiful and talented and kind and happy as Sora deserved someone so not like me. He deserved someone who wasn't tainted, who wasn't defiled, corrupted, infected. He deserved someone like… Naminé.

Damn it this stupid stain will NOT go away!

Luckily (unfortunately?) for me, today was the last day of cleaning. Today, I finally finished cleaning the bathroom—after a hellish battle with some weird creepy mold thing, three centipedes and the shower head—and soon my head wouldn't be swimming in vertigo from the excessive intake of Clorox. I have to say, I'm going to miss the hallucinations. They were pretty entertaining. Anyway, I still had one challenge left to do before my family returned home and that was the laundry.

Riiiiiiiiiing!

The living room phone sprung to life, its headache-inducing chime rang obnoxiously through the silent house. Ignoring it completely, I grabbed the clothes piled into the basket and trudged my way to the laundry room in the downstairs basement. The phone continued to ring distantly.

Riiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

_Beep!_

_"You've reached the Uchiyama residence. We can't come to the phone right now because Cloud nii-san is a phone nazi and thinks the phone isn't for little kids to play with-"_

_"-he thinks we'll break it-"_

_"-which we won't-"_

_"-so please leave your name, message and phone number after the beep!"_

_"What was that about me being a phone nazi?"_

_"Nothing Cloud!"_

_Beep!_

_"Onii-chan! I know your home so pick up!" … "Onii-chan pick up!" … "Sigh—fine, ignore me. We're going to the movies today with the gang and since Sora says you haven't called him in the last three days, we're making you tag along too. We're giving you half an hour to show up on your own. If you don't, we'll have to use force. See you Roxas!" Click._

I was still doing laundry. An hour of my life gone and I was still doing laundry.

Why did Cloud have so many clothes? They weren't even in different styles!

If the washing machine hadn't decided to break down in the middle of the rinse cycle I probably would have been finished sooner. But no. The stupid thing had to break and drop a gallon load of soap and water right on the damn floor so now not only did I have to wash clothes, but now I had to mop too. Great. Just, GREAT!

By the time half the heap was done, the phone in the living room rang again—its horrible chime sounded faintly behind the basement door. Again, I chose to ignore it, deciding that finishing the clothes and mopping up the dirty floor was more important than who ever kept calling.

_Beep!_

_"Roxas, you asshole! It's two o'clock; the movie starts in an hour! We gave you a chance but you didn't show up so now we're sending the big guns to get your sorry ass down here!"_

_"Hayner calm down."_

_"I'm just psyching him out, Olette. Don't worry."_

_"Oh! I have an idea, Riku why don't you go get Roxas?"_

_"What? Why me? He's Sora's boyfriend."_

_"Just do it please? For me?"_

_"Sigh, alright I'll get him."_

_"You hear that Roxas! Riku is coming to getcha so BE READY!" Click._

 

The clock on the VCR blinked 2:15 in the afternoon as I eyed the clean living room in triumph. After spending a week and half as a slave to my house, the work was finally done. While half the laundry was washing and the other half still drying, the fresh smell of pine lingered in the air and was sucked straight into my lungs after a deep inhale. I exhaled gladly, expelling the chemicals from my body and threw myself on the couch lazily.

I had the rest of the day to do anything I wanted without at risk of getting caught.

So… what the hell am I supposed to do now?

I wonder what would happen if I prank called Kairi…

Just then the doorbell rang, shattering the peaceful silence that fell in the living room. It rang again and again and again—whoever was ringing my doorbell like a madman was really getting on my bad side.

"Okay! Okay!" I yelled, throwing myself off the comfortable cushions and made way for the door—my fingers already wrapping around the knob quietly. Twisting it unlocked, the door swung open then slammed shut again. I paled.

"Roxas open the door!"

Why the hell is Riku Morikawa at my house?

"Riku get off my property!" I yelled and locked the door discreetly.

My eyes frantically scanned around the room for a way of escape but only the back door came into mind.

Riku sighed on the other side. I swear, I could almost hear him rolling his eyes. "Kairi sent me as a delivery boy. I'm here to take you to the movies."

Maybe I inhaled too much cleaning chemicals or something, but the way Riku's voice sounded made me think that he was asking me out on a date—which couldn't be any more wrong. But, I saw an opening I couldn't refuse.

"No offense Riku but I don't date guys with three inch dicks and girly faces." I smirked devilishly. I couldn't see the look on his face and I wish I could. I could imagine his leafy green eyes grow sharp in an agitating glare. "Come back when you're a five-foot-five brunet, 'kay?"

Silence met me on the other side and for a moment, I thought the silveret had left. It wasn't until I heard him suck in a breath did I know he was still waiting. I'm pretty sure he wanted to kill me for insulting his manhood though.

"Maybe you didn't hear me," He growled, the knob suddenly wiggling. "I was told to get you and get you is what I plan to do whether your conscious or not!" He threatened menacingly. "So if you please, open the door."

"And maybe YOU misunderstood me, I'm not going anywhere with you." I spat, putting venom on every word possible.

Riku let out a frustrated sigh—I could already imagine him running his fingers through his hair. "Alright, fine, be stubborn. You want to play cat and mouse then let's play."

"That's a weird fetish Riku, but if you want to role play that's fine by me. You be Mickey and I'll be Pete and I'll chase you off my property."

I snorted. _Did I seriously say something stupid as that?_

Another growl met my words. "Roxas, you have ten seconds to open this door before I come in and FORCE you out."

The tone in his voice was deep and murderous. I knew any threat he made now would be followed in promise and might actually have me ending up in the hospital, but I can't help taunting him. I have to force my agitation on someone that wasn't me.

What kind of friend would I be if I don't piss him off at least a little?

He started the countdown; I pictured his eyes burning holes through the door trying to imagine where my head would be. If I open the door now, he'll punch me in the face. If I don't open period, he'll find a way to break in and then punch me in the face. Either way, he's going to punch me. (Instantly my mind remembered the back door.)

He was nearing the end of his countdown when adrenaline jolted my body into motion. I bolted to the backdoor, ignoring the rest of his countdown, and hastily unlocked the locks. I ripped the door open, my eyes briefly glancing back in the direction of the front door, when the side of my face suddenly slammed into something soft. And by soft, I mean cloth and by something, I mean by someone.

I think I ran right into Riku's trap…

Without a word—he was too much in rage to speak coherently—the silveret pulled me forward by the arm, his body slumped down briefly and literally hurled my feet off the ground. I gasped in surprise, his arm grabbed firmly around my waist as he settled me on his broad shoulders with ease.

"This movie better be all the trouble you're putting me under." He muttered angrily. "And for the record, Roxas," (I can almost feel the venom dripping in his voice.) "Don't make fun of other people's dicks because you're too impotent to get it up."

Outrage flared throughout my body like molten lava, but its intensity was soon swallowed by pain and shame. My voice died before I could even think of using it and the two of us plunged into a heated silence. I forced my mind blank to no avail. Riku's words continued to echo within my subconscious.

 

We finally reached the movie theaters ten minutes later with everyone having already bought their tickets. We found them waiting outside the theater, Pence and Naminé already inside while the rest greeted us happily.

"Nice of you to show up," Hayner said with a smirk. "What took you so long?"

"Chores," I shrugged, cerulean blue eyes coming across another pair of ocean blue eyes that lit up with a smile. "Sorry I haven't called since Monday. The bathroom needed a lot of cleaning."

"That bad huh?" the brunet grinned cheerfully. He didn't sound as happy as he probably should have been. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes and I was starting to believe that Sora was becoming more and more worried about me. "Well you're here now and that's all that matters."

"We better hurry. The movie is about to start." Olette warned, following Hayner into the dark theater.

"What movie are we watching anyway?" I whispered once we found the row Pence and Naminé occupied.

Kairi and Riku slipped past Pence, taking the last two seats closest to the wall. Beside Naminé sat Olette then Hayner and Sora, leaving me with the aisle seat.

"Uh, I'm not sure."

I blinked. "You're not sure?"

"Well Kairi and Naminé kinda dragged me out of bed this morning screaming something about having a plan to go to the movies." Sora shrugged sheepishly. "I guess it was kind of spur of the moment.

I nodded silently, turning my eyes back to the screen already playing upcoming movie trailers. My thoughts wandered away from the movie and back to what Sora had said. Spur of the moment? Kairi and Naminé?

This was a trap.

I don't know for what or why, but I knew my sister long enough to know that "spur of the moments" were actually well thought out plans that took weeks to plan out perfectly, all usually with the same end result of something funny happening. Kairi was the same except her schemes normally involved some sort of sexual innuendo. Yeah, Kairi had her inner pervert moments just like the rest of us.

I'm starting to think there's something more to this movie than what meets the eye and we're the poor bastards trapped in their plan.

Only minutes into the movie, paranoia struck me harder than a brick smacking in your face. The thoughts of Kairi and Naminé concocting an evil plan on all of us fed into the paranoia beast, setting my senses on high alert to the point I got too jumpy for my own good.

"I'll be right back." I muttered into Sora's ear.

I was about to stand and leave when his hand grabbed a hold around my wrist urgently. I looked back into his eyes, catching glassy blue orbs staring pleadingly into my own.

"Don't leave, you just got here." He whispered quietly. His grip grew tight as if to enforce how important it was for me to say.

I stared at him for a moment, my resolve slowly shattering at the pleading look in his ocean blue eyes. He looked so helpless and sad with those eyes that I couldn't say no. I had to stay if only for him.

It made me feel guilty for avoiding him the last week and a half.

With a sigh, I leaned back into my chair, a small smile gracing my lips. He returned the smile then leaned over the arm rest to lay his head against my shoulder, the sweet scent of cinnamon teasing my senses once more.

I'd take Sora's scent over pine any day.

 

It turned out the movie was exactly what I had expected it to be: a chick flick. I don't know how they did it, but Kairi and Naminé swindled us into a triple-plus-two-way date. I think the worst part was how I knew they had more plans hidden up their sleeves. As if the movie wasn't bad enough.

Okay I admit it the movie wasn't that bad, maybe a little corny but at least it was funny. When the movie reached another slow in the plot, my eyes decided to wander down our row.

Hayner had fallen asleep in the first thirty minutes of the movie; Olette was completely absorbed into the film and ignored him. Pence, not surprisingly, was the same as Olette, except he'd snap back to reality whenever he got hungry or thirsty. Naminé, on the other hand, thought spying on me was much more interesting than the movie. (She stuck out her tongue teasingly when she noticed my scowl.) Past her, shrouded by the cover of darkness, Riku's silver hair gleamed ghostly under the movie light. He moved his head in slow rhythmic patterns, looking completely psychotic in my mind when a flash of wine red locks caught my eye.

Oh gross he's frenching Kairi in public! I think I'm gonna hurl!

"Hey what's wrong? What are you staring at?" Sora's voice brought me back to reality like it always did.

I stared back at the movie screen without a word, but Sora always hated my silence. He glanced back at the others, eyes widening in surprise at the kissing couple, but his surprise died in seconds, making way for another emotion that only confused me. He looked… concerned?

He was concerned about their kissing? That doesn't make any sense.

Wait a minute, does that mean he has feelings for one of them? Or BOTH?

My rationality slapped paranoia away and was soon replaced with a mixture of poison and hatred. This time, I knew who the hatred was pointed toward and I knew what emotion the poison was.

I was envious. Envious of how lucky Riku and Kairi were able to happily make out in public without any regrets; envious of how Hayner and Olette were able to hold hands and flirt without flinching or shame. I was envious of how every one of them, including my twin, had a happy childhood memory they could share with laughs and smiles. I was envious of their happiness, envious of their innocence.

They weren't defiled.

They weren't corrupted.

They don't know what I went through. They don't understand silentium and they never will. No one will. I deserved happiness almost as much as they did so why was I the only one suffering this hollow existence? What made them so lucky? What gave them the right to happiness?

Envy outweighed my hatred and envy turned into pain. My heart suddenly exploded with adrenaline and fear. It pounded frantically in my chest, like it wanted nothing more than to escape its internal imprisonment and stole the breath right out of my lungs.

I hated being here. I hated their freedom. I hated their happiness. I hated it, hated it, hated it!

Why can't I be free?

"I have to go." I managed to squeak and made my grand escape.

"Wait! Where are you going? Roxas!"

"Bathroom. Don't follow."

A part of me hoped he listened to me for once, but Sora always had a bad habit of doing the opposite of what he was told.

Running out of the theater earned me a few stares from the strangers walking by but I ignored them completely and took refuge in the male's restroom.

The panic that rocked through my body and squeezed the air out of my lungs subsided a little in the freedom of the bathroom. My stomach felt queasy from the sudden explosion of anxiety and nausea tickled the back of my throat, but there was nothing in my stomach to dispel so it didn't last long. I forced myself to stop, to blank my mind of the dark thoughts that continued to flash through my head.

It wasn't fair. I wasn't being fair. I shouldn't feel envious, everyone had a right to their own happiness, I shouldn't be angry. I shouldn't feel hurt. I shouldn't, I have no reason to. I need to move on. I need to let go. Why can't I let go? Why did it bother me so much? Why did I have to be tainted? Why do I have to live with this pain?

I hate him. I hate her. I hate them for what they did to me, for ruining my life, for stealing my childhood, for defiling my existence-for destroying me.

Silentium was easier to deal with when it was just me alone hiding in the darkness of my own fear. I didn't have friends to worry about. I didn't have love to hurt. Standing in the face of happiness with friends who care about you and someone who loves you more than life itself made silentium unbearable. It was painful. Too painful. I rather be numb. I rather be dead.

"Damn it! Even in jail the man still finds a way to harass me." I sighed, resting my palms against the slick surface of the sink. I hung my head forward. "Pathetic. Why am I so weak?"

A pair of tanned arms wrapped around my torso, a round face buried itself into my back in a form of comfort. "I told you to stop pushing yourself so hard."

I couldn't resist the flinch at his touch. It made the anxiety in my heart intensify for only a moment. "And I told you not to follow me." I murmured without opening my eyes or raising my head. "Did you think I wouldn't come back?"

He sighed against my back; his grip grew tight around my chest. "No. I was afraid you'd do something you might regret. You're impulsive sometimes."

"I wasn't going to cut my skin open or anything like that, Sor. Just because I'm scared and depressed and so damn pissed doesn't mean I was going to do something irrational!" I snapped angrily, pounding one of my fists on the counter top.

Silence descended around us soon after. I was drowning in my hurricane of emotions. Sora seemed completely unaffected by all of it.

He was the first to move after my outcry, one of his hands slowly reached for the collar of my shirt. His tanned fingers gripped the edge of the collar and pulled it down slowly to reveal pale skin underneath.

The silence persisted, tempting me to break down in insanity when something moist and warm came over my neck. My head jerked upward instantly, granting Sora more access to my flesh as he kissed and nipped the skin affectionately.

"Wh-what are you-?" I gasped, my breath hitching suddenly when his teeth scrapped lightly against my neck, threatening to mark me his. It made me feel guilty, because I could only give him half of who I was, but it was that half that hungered for him.

I sighed softly, craning my neck further to the side as he licked, nipped, sucked and scrapped against my heated flesh hungrily. His kissing warped me into euphoric ecstasy—thoroughly distracting me from my growing anxiety. While his lips skimmed across my flesh and luscious plumped lips kissed softly on the bruising skin, Sora's hand shifted down from my chest to my stomach and under my shirt in seconds.

His warm hand made contact with my flesh, the muscles in my stomach already seized into a flinch, but he ignored it, just as I ignored the faint prickling of pain on my upper back. Sora hummed lightly, forcing my lids to flutter downward in pleasure that rippled through my veins like waves on water.

He was only kissing my neck, and despite the faint prickle of pain on my backside and the unpleasant memories assaulting my mind, it felt so damn good I didn't want him to stop. I could almost feel my stress melt away with every flick of his tongue, every caress, every soft tantalizing touch from a moist muscle. I wanted more. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be like Riku and Kairi, who could love without regret and Hayner and Olette, who could love with their all. I wanted more of Sora.

My thoughts exploded through the haze of growing lust, questions and insecurities threatened to mound on top of the other as I pressed my back further into him, his crotch quickly brushing up behind me. It all melted away, though, the moment a moan slipped from my mouth, loud and passionate and completely accidental but Sora didn't mind.

He hummed his approval, slipping warm hands further down my stomach—passed my navel.

Pleasure instantly turned to fear and fear turned to panic.

My muscles stiffened under his touch, but I bit my tongue in silence. I didn't want this to end anymore than he did, so I left his hand roam above my skin, caressing me in light as a feather soothing rhythmic patterns, each stroke going lower and lower but never dared to reach the hemming of my pants. Anxiety settled into my chest again, the illicit memories of last summer, of a nightmare I thought I dealt with, replayed inside my head.

My scars started to burn.

"Don't force yourself Roxas." The brunet reminded me, hot breath tickling my sensitive flesh. "I'll stop if you want me to."

I didn't want him to stop, oh god how I wanted him to go on…

But we didn't have a choice in that matter. He did stop, not because I said so and it was definitely against his own will, he stopped because at that moment Riku and Pence decided to walk in.

I spun around within Sora's arms in order to face the door, but the tiles were wet from drippy sink water. I lost my footing mid-spin and I toppled to the ground in an instant. My hand, out of habit, tried to grab something to keep myself from falling, but all I could get a grasp of was Sora's pants… and they fell down with me. They pooled around his ankles the same time Pence and Riku spotted us. They stopped in their tracks.

Sora's face must have been as red as mine felt.

"Um," I managed, though my embarrassment threatened to choke my suddenly dry throat. "This is really not what it looks like."

"Ye-yeah…" Sora laughed weakly. "It's u-um…"

Riku raised his hands with a shrug. "We didn't see anything."

Pence nodded his head frantically, his own cheeks turning pink. He tried to walk out of the bathroom, but just like me, his sneakers slipped on the wet tiles and he skidded into Riku. He knocked the third year into the trash can and they both collapsed unceremoniously to the ground. The trash can fell over with them, littering garbage all over Riku's head.

"Oh come on!" the third year yelled in dismay. "Can this day get any worse?"

As if through the cruel twist of Fate, someone opened the bathroom door. Sora, who was already embarrassed enough, tried to pull up his forgotten pants when the person who opened the door suddenly growled a very familiar throaty growl that reminded me vividly of Cloud back when we were kids and he was going through his PMS-ing stage. (Cloud likes to pretend he didn't act like a girl on her period when he was ten.)

"Cloud?" I yelped, well it sounded more like a squeak but whatever. Sora jumped away from me in an instant, his pants back in place, but his face still red as a tomato. I climbed to my feet just as quickly and straightened out my disheveled clothes. I prayed to the higher powers that be that Sora didn't leave a love bite on my neck.

If I had one, I wasn't going to risk it. I slapped my hand over the tender skin that Sora had just so lovingly assaulted mere seconds ago, yet the damage was already done. Cloud had a good twenty seconds to stare and gawk before I covered it up. He pushed the door open further—once everyone else managed to stand—and stepped quietly into the bathroom.

He eyed everyone else head to toe, excusing Pence who looked too confused and innocent and Riku, who was busy trying to pull snot covered tissue paper out of his hair. He ignored Sora completely (Of course because nothing is ever Sora's fault.) then glared daggers into my skull.

"I'm not going to ask, but whatever happened is your fault." cue in level ten accusing glare.

"I wasn't doing anything Cloud." I scoffed. "We just tripped and ended up that way."

My dear brother was not convinced.

"Honest sir," Pence chimed in his best 'innocent little boy' voice. (I can't believe he called my stiff ass brother sir.) "The-the floor is wet. We all just...slipped."

"Of course," Riku added bitterly.

Cloud accepted the explanation without question—probably because of Riku being covered in god knows what—but his glaring never ceased. Instead, he kept glaring daggers into my hand as if expecting it to spontaneously catch fire.

When we were younger and my mom started her job as a nurse, my brother took it upon himself to make sure my sister and I got the things we needed. He became like a second parent to us instead of a brother. He was especially over protected about us dating, even more so now after what happened last summer. You'd think he'd be okay because this was sweet and innocent Sora Leonhart, the little brother to his best friend, but my gut thought otherwise. So I came up with an excuse to cover us.

"I hurt myself earlier with, um, a door knob." Not exactly the best excuse in the world, I could have come up with something better but he was starting to creep me out a little.

Even my friends thought the excuse was utter bullshit: Pence stifled a laugh; Sora blushed another shade of red; Riku snorted with a role of leaf green eyes and Cloud cocked a blonde eyebrow.

"Is that the best you can come up with?"

I blanched. "Clooouuud!" I whined. God Roxas! Will you GROW A PAIR! "I mean—what the hell are you doing here? I thought you had work."

My brother rolled his enchanting blue eyes at me. "It's my day off." He answered lazily. "Shouldn't you be at home playing Cinderella?" (Riku laughed loudly.) "Where's your sister? Is she here too?"

"She was the one who invited me, dad." I purposely spat the last word for emphasis.

Cloud's eye twitched in agitation.

"We should get back to the movie." Sora suggested, grabbing my wrist in the process.

"Hold it!" Cloud ordered, stopping the brunet from leaving the bathroom. "You two, out." He growled to Pence and Riku. They complied without any questions and left us to die under my brother's stare of ultimate death. Then came the second order: "Start talking."

Suddenly it was like a switch flipped on in my head. "It's none of your business Cloud!" I snapped. Did I mention it was my bratty brother switch that flipped?

"Cut the crap Roxas. It's every much my business as it is yours." He pinched the bridge of his nose a la Leon in frustration; a sign that my brother has been hanging out with the brunet far too much. He sighed again, blue eyes shifting toward the sheepishly blushing Sora. "And Squall thinks you're the innocent one."

The teen coughed uncomfortably at this and looked away from those intense electric blue eyes. This was a sign of his own, one that I don't really see much. It meant that something was bothering him and he'd rather not talk about it—now that was weird. Maybe Sora doesn't like to be referred as the "innocent one" after all?

Cloud and I eyed each other like two hostile animals claiming territory, blue on blue, hostility against hostility, blonde against blonde—the air grew heavy with tension. "The two of us are going to have a long talk when we get home." He growled. I rolled my eyes, brushing off his threat completely.

After a couple of seconds of another stare down, my brother finally left us alone in the bathroom. I huffed angrily; thankful the nosey brother was finally gone but the expression on Sora's face told me there was something troubling him.

I frowned; worry already etching its way into my eyes. It was always bad when Sora looked troubled about something.

He must have read my mind because the next thing I knew, he had a hand behind his head, nervously scratching at the chocolate spikes. "Um Roxas, there's something I have to tell you about me." He paused hesitantly but I urged him on. "Uh, well, you know how you sometimes think I'm innocent?"

I nodded thoroughly confused (my stomach unconsciously twisted sickeningly with regret.)

"Well…" He hesitated. "I'm kind of not."

I blinked. "Huh?" I managed intelligently. "What?"

"I'm not a virgin, Rox." He admitted quickly, eyes darting every which way but mine.

I blinked again, completely ignoring the triple back flip my stomach did and asked the one question I wish I never asked. "Oh. Well that's okay; virginity isn't such a big deal anyway right?" He smiled weakly at me. "Who did you give it to?"

I don't know why I'm asking. I really don't want to know. The past is in the past and the past should stay in the past, but… curiosity killed the cat.

"Don't-don't get mad, okay? It happened by accident a really long time ago."

"Who did you give it to?" I asked again, this time with a smile that hid the turmoil raging inside my body.

Sora bit his lower lip nervously, but shook his head with resigned strength. "Olette." He said clearly.

My stomach did a 180 back flip, turned inside out, ripped apart and spewed out gallons of acidic stomach acid that ate away my organs until there was nothing left but pools of blood—Someone kill me NOW!

The image of the brunette laughing at one of Hayner's jokes flashed through my mind.

The image of the brunette holding hands with Hayner flashed through my mind.

The image of her concerned green eyes, the worry that was so evident on her face that time at the beach-everything about her that I had grown close to as a friend suddenly shattered.

I felt horribly betrayed.

To be honest, I expected Kairi. Hell, I expected Riku, but Olette? Olette DicCicco? Hayner's girlfriend? Naminé's best friend? The girl everyone thought was funny, kind, smart and friendly? The girl everybody thought couldn't possibly do anything stupid like I could? The girl who sat next to me on the beach and told me the meaning of the word "Fine"? The girl who said she understood sadness, the girl who said I could always talk to her, the girl who didn't UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH-THAT OLETTE DICCICCO?

Fuck flipping stomachs. Fuck racing hearts threatening to burst out of your chest and FUCK forever burning pain from year old scars! The pain of having your heart ripped straight out of your chest, thrown on the floor and stomped into a pile of mush and blood by pairs of steel toed leather boots and then covered in 30 gallons of burning acid hurt so much more than anything I ever felt before. Add to that, jealousy exploded through my body like toxic venom—if only it could kill me right then and there.

I wish I stayed home being a slave to the cleaning and slowly working my way to lung cancer with all that inhaling of toxic chemicals.

I wonder how long would it take for a bottle of Lysol to kill me?

And suddenly, so suddenly, just as my anxiety exploded within my chest and my heart hammered like a jack hammer against my rib cage, it all stopped. My thoughts, my emotions, my queasy stomach-everything vanished.

I went numb.

"Roxas!"

I jumped involuntarily. "Huh? Sorry what?" Olette doesn't deserve happiness. She doesn't understand what you went through. So why does she get to have everything her heart desires?

My heart should have panged. My stomach should have flipped, but I felt nothing. Not even the soft murmurs of tainted that riddled through my mind brought forth any pain or poison or emotion. I was just empty.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yeah, I heard you." Hearing it once was enough. Hearing it again would only kill me. "S-so, um," I hate myself for asking, but I needed to know. "Was it good? I mean—NO! I don't care about that! I meant to ask, was it a one-night kind of thing or…?" was it consensual sex because the two of you are so helplessly in love with each other and this relationship of ours is only an illusion created through my fucked up imagination?

I'm on the verge of losing it. I can sense the mental break down coming up at me in full speed but he doesn't make eye contact with me. Not once! Why isn't he looking at me?

Is he ashamed?

Or—oh god—is it because he realized then and there that he's in love with a brunette second year and not a spiky haired blonde?

It's because I'm blonde right? Too common, too plain, too 'been there done that'.

No, he'd never break up because of that. Is it because we're going too slow? If he's not a virgin then he must be coping with sexual frustration and I'm being too fucking slow for his taste!

Or worse, maybe it's my scars? It's the scars right! It's always because of the scars. It scares people. It's ugly, it's big and sometimes I wish I could just rip off my skin and shred it to pieces so it was like that word never even existed.

My thoughts are going hysterical.

I should have been panicking. I should have been angry. I should have been feeling something. But my thoughts held no context, no emotion, nothing.

Have I lost my mind?

"We were drunk." He sighed. "Riku threw a party and it was the first time we had any alcohol. It was…really stupid. She cried about it for days, but that's all it was, I promise."

"Oh." It didn't bother me. I didn't feel heartbroken, annoyed, angered, betrayed, relieved-I felt nothing. Almost like… it didn't matter. "We should probably get back to the movie…"

"Yeah, good idea!" He chirped a little too happily, his hand automatically reached out for my own.

I flinched. Horribly. I never used to flinch when he held my hand. But I did, and he noticed, but he ignored it and held my hand as gently as he could, as if I was some delicate glass ornament.

We left the bathroom in silence and returned to the movie in the same silence, but unlike the rest of them, I couldn't focus on the movie anymore. The comedy suddenly didn't seem so funny and all the romantic crap seemed void and lack-luster. I lost interest. I lost focus.

My mind was the only thing functioning. And the only word that filtered through it was:

_Numb_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did a VCR just make a cameo in this story? Shit. I feel old.


	5. Chapter 5

I don't know how I do it or where I get the strength, but I do. I got through the day like nothing was ever wrong. We pretended nothing ever happened in the bathroom. We acted as though everything was right in the world and maybe to Sora it really was, but to me, my whole world was spiraling into oblivion. I hide it like an Oscar winning actor, but I was reaching my limit.

If I didn't leave soon, I would blow up from the pressure.

I hadn't felt like this since my nightmarish summer last year. Only, I think this was worse. Last time, I had nothing to lose. This time, it felt like I had lost the world.

Kairi and Naminé had more plans for us when the movie ended. Figured they would. The deal was to go to the movies then grab some early dinner and spend the rest of the day hanging out in the Usual Spot. Maybe by the end of the day, something "magical and romantic" would happen. I'm serious, Kairi said those exact words. But being practical, the only thing that would happen was a big fat nada. Yet everyone else seemed up for it. I couldn't turn it down even if I tried.

So imagine my utter relief when Cloud's motorcycle pulled up to the curve on our way to dinner. No words were exchanged; he pulled up, gestured for me to hop on and ignored the various disappointed groans. Sora tried to use his infamous puppy dog pout on the stiff ass that is my brother to no avail. He ignored Naminé's pleading and the own abuse of her own angelic baby sister act, his own stubbornness radiated like the sun and soon, everyone got the message. He wasn't having it this time.

It was at times like this I was thankful Cloud was so stubborn. I didn't even say goodbye when I hopped behind my brother and wrapped my arms around his waist. I ignored all eye contact and pretended to act ashamed at my brother's stubbornness.

"Nii-san this isn't fair!" Naminé cried in another attempt to bend Cloud's will. "We all had plans! There's only a few days left of summer, do you really want to deprive Roxas of his freedom before school starts?" She pouted cutely.

I had to suppress the snort that bubbled in my throat. What freedom did I have? I lost my freedom ages ago. Why couldn't she realize that?

Cloud sighed again and went off on another explanation as to why he wouldn't allow me to walk away from my punishment this time. He doesn't see what my twin is doing. She's trying to stall, to make Cloud gradually forget what he wanted from me by working up an argument. She would have had her way too, Hayner was already starting to look on edge with all this arguing and Sora looked like he was about to join in on the fight.

He probably would have had he gotten the chance. My eyes made the mistake of falling onto Olette. She was staring at me again, her own green eyes filled with worry-with sympathy; with pity.

Something stirred within the numbness of my body. It was a feeling I was steadily growing accustomed to. Without any other emotion clouding my mind, this feeling, this rage boiled through my blood like chaotic fire. And at the very root of this rage, I felt Envy devouring my core.

I suddenly despised the way she looked at me with those _pitiful_ eyes.

I don't need your sympathy.

I don't _need_ your sorrow!

Uncontrolled rage reached the surface of my skin. I tore my eyes away from Olette's stare and glared daggers into Naminé. I couldn't contain it; I had to let it go.

So I did.

"For the love of God, Naminé, WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?" I screamed, startling my sister as well as everyone else. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I WANT TO GO HOME?"

"I…I…" She was at a loss for words. Her eyes were big and wide and full with growing tears.

My rage dwindled only slightly at the sight of her startled expression. I didn't feel guilty, like I should have. Or embarrassed that I lost my temper in the way I did. I was just tired, tired of the internal fighting, tired of the external lies. I wanted to go home more than ever and pray I would never wake up from my sleep.

"We'll see you at home imouto." Cloud told her. He revved up his bike so that the engine shattered the stunned silence. With a jerk, we flew down the street and made way home.

 

I'm not exactly sure what time we got home or how long Cloud spent lecturing me about STIs and being respectful about what's an appropriate time for a blowjob or not. I don't even remember how I managed to get up the stairs and into my room. But I do remember that was when my inner turmoil finally manifested itself physically. I didn't care if Cloud was downstairs, the rage, the envy, the jealousy and despair; they all unleashed itself from the numbness of my heart and exploded across my chest like a bomb.

I wanted to scream, to yell, to cry, but no sound wanted to rip from my throat like it did when I yelled at Naminé. So I did the next best thing. I trashed my room.

School books flew into the air; clothes were ripped out of my closet and tossed carelessly to the floor. I tipped over my night stand; smashed my lamp against the wall and ripped my drawers off their rollers from my dresser.

(In all the while, my mind kept screaming.)

I didn't stop when my room's floor vanished from sight.

I didn't stop when I stepped on the broken lamp and tore open the skin beneath my feet.

I didn't stop when the blood from my wound stained my floor and clothes red.

I didn't stop until my eyes blurred with tears and the only thing I saw through them was a disgruntled, red faced blonde boy staring angrily at me through the mirror.

The rage instantly shifted toward the reflection. The rage I felt for Olette's betrayal; the jealousy I had for Riku and Kairi; the envy I felt from my friend's happiness; it all shifted toward the mirror image staring back at me with murder in his unrecognizable blue eyes.

I suddenly hated him. And he hated me.

I ripped the mirror off the wall and smashed it hard on the ground, ignoring the shards that scattered across the floor. I fell to my knees, falling on top of a few pieces that I'm sure probably sank into my skin and smashed my fists into the remnants of the mirror. I wanted to destroy all traces of that blonde boy's reflection.

Everything was his fault.

If he hadn't been so stupid-if he hadn't been so careless-if he hadn't been so weak-none of this would have happened. _None of this would have happened!_

I smashed the mirror until every piece of glass were either stained red or too far spread to reflect any trace of that blonde haired boy. My rage drained me of energy and I was left slouching over a broken mirror, panting for breath. I guess I never realized how much emotion I was holding back until now.

Worst yet, I still couldn't feel the throbbing pain from any of my wounds. I knew I was bleeding, badly at that, but I couldn't feel it. Not even when I stared into the cuts and pulled out shards of glass did I flinch. I should have been scared. Not being able to feel pain was a definite sign that something was wrong, right? I would have believed that I was dead, but the rivers of red that ran down my hands told me a different story.

I was very much alive. Numb, but alive. And I had a mess to take care of.

I hope I don't get stitches for this.

 

"Oh my god Roxas! What happened to your hands?"

Of all the days in summer, my mom chose today to come home early.

It was around seven, Cloud had decided to fix us some dinner when my mom walked into the living room. Of course, being a nurse, the first thing she saw were my bandaged hands gradually staining red.

"The mirror in my room fell when I was trying to move my dresser." the lie rolled off my tongue so easily that I wasn't surprised she believed me.

The mother inside her quickly unrolled the stained bandages for the nurse inside her to take over as she examined every wound. She hurried up the stairs for the first aid kit in the bathroom then returned again to dab alcohol on every cut. I didn't wince, flinch or hiss at the burn that was supposed to sting my cuts. I just sat there and watched.

"You have to be careful Rox. That's dangerous to deal with. Why didn't you get your brother to help you clean up? CLOUD GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE THIS INSTANT!" She screamed (that made me wince. Her voice can get screechy when she screams.)

Cloud appeared by the living room entrance looking as stony as ever. He eyed the newly brought bandages and the growing pile of bloody alcohol soaked cotton balls before he pieced two things together. He sighed, stepping further into the living room to get a better view of my wounded hands.

"How could you let your baby brother hurt himself like this? He's lucky he doesn't need stitches!"

"I went to the store for food mom." Cloud exhaled. "By the time I got back, he already had the mess cleaned up."

Mom huffed, obviously disappointed at the both of us but she said nothing more. She finished wrapping my hands, grabbed the dirty pile of cotton balls and followed my brother into the kitchen. She didn't even notice the bandage on my foot.

 

Naminé was too angry with me to even notice the mayhem I wreaked upon myself. When she came home, she marched straight up to her room and slammed the door shut. I ignored her, like I did everything else, and took a page out of her book of Brattitude. I crawled into bed and remained under the covers for days on end.

I lost track of time at some point. My calendar said I had only a week of summer vacation left. I hated this week the most…

Today was the day we were supposed to get our schedules for the upcoming school year, which would probably explain why my cell phone was ringing non-stop. I'm not going to pretend I didn't know who was calling either. After all, it was only three days ago that I snapped at Naminé, but three days wasn't enough to cool me down. I was still angry, not so much at him or Olette anymore, but I wasn't in the mood to pretend that everything was right in the world.

Then again, this constant ringing was AGGRAVATING ME!

With a frustrated groan, I pulled off the covers and reached across the nightstand for my cell phone. I brought it toward my ear, not bothering to check collar ID and said, "Can you be any more annoying! Jeez!"

_"Well maybe if you picked up your phone for once, I wouldn't have to call you like a mad man. Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for days!"_

"I would assume after the third day that you'd get the hint that I'm avoiding you."

_"I know you're avoiding me and I'm not going to pretend I don't know why either, but Roxas, you're acting ridiculous. I know you're angry that we didn't tell you, but to be fair, it's not like we really remembered what happened either."_

"Mhm, sure," I muttered, not really caring what his excuses were. I ignored the rest of the conversation and picked up the school letter Mom had dropped off in my room before work. I ripped off the top of the envelope and pulled out the school letter along with my schedule for next year and the locker combination.

I heard Sora sigh on the other line. He sounded frustrated, which was a first for me. He didn't usually get frustrated with anything, but I guess it's a first time for everything!

_"Roxas we need to talk."_

"Do we?" I asked, still only half-listening. I'm going to miss Foods this year. That was such a fun class.

_"Yes, we do. I'm not going to let you sit up in your room doing things you might regret. So yes, we. Are. Talking!"_

Oh, ho, ho! What is this? Is Sora Irino, the nicest guy on the face of the universe, actually angry? At me? What a shock!

I laughed at him, it held no amusement and sounded hallow in my ears like the phony laugh that it was. It stopped him effectively in his tracks and the phone fell silent on his end, yet I could still hear the faint chimes of a chain clinking against chain. Was he walking somewhere? I shrugged. Probably to Riku's house.

"I hate to break it to you Sor-Sor, but I'm not home. I'm out of town for the rest of the summer."

He scoffed. _"That's a load of a bull and you know it Roxas."_ I suddenly sat up in shock. Did he just…?

_"I know you well enough to know that whenever you're upset about something, you hide under the covers for days on end. And getting you out is harder than pulling a turtle out of its shell, so whether you like it or not, WE'RE TALKING!"_

Beep! The line went dead.

"Right," I scoffed to myself, throwing the cell phone over my shoulder carelessly and crossed my arms. "We'll see about that."

The bell suddenly rang.

My blood froze.

There was no one left in the house except for me. Naminé had gone out with the girls again and Cloud had left early for work. It was just me and my thoughts left.

The bell rang again.

I scoffed again and pulled the blankets over my head. "You're not getting me out of this room Sora!" I yelled at no one in particular because there was no way he would be able to hear me from the second floor.

The bell rang a few more times until silence finally spread throughout the house. I poked my head out of the covers, silently wondering if it was safe to when something crashed into the bedroom window. I jumped, startled from the sudden attack and fell harshly out of the bed. With a thud, I landed on my shoulder painfully, or would have been painfully if I could feel the pain. The wounds on my hands hadn't exactly healed all the way yet and still bled sometimes when I applied too much pressure.

A few feet away from my bed, I spotted the offending rock that assaulted my window. My brow twitched in irritation.

After picking myself up from the floor, I drew back the curtains and opened the broken window. Standing in the middle of the empty street was the spiky haired brunet, a smug smile stretched across his face.

"Open the door!" He yelled.

"Did you just throw a rock through my window?"

I couldn't see it from where I stood, but I bet he rolled his eyes. "You started it."

"You THREW a ROCK THROUGH MY WINDOW!" I cried again, still too shocked to comprehend anything else.

"I think we already established that."

My jaw went slack in an instant. Another dose of shock ran through my system. "Are you… are you… did you just use sarcasm?" Who is this person?

Since when did Sora Irino use sarcasm? What kind of topsy-turvy world have I fallen into? Oh God, am I in the twilight zone?

"Can you please just open the door?" he begged. "We really need to talk."

I contemplated my options for a moment. Ignoring him now would be too risky. He might surprise me by being able to climb up the porch and through my broken window. Or I could make his life easier by just letting him through the front door. I mulled it over for a moment, but decided it'd be much less risky to have him use the front door. Sora didn't deserve to hurt himself trying to climb my house anyway.

"Fine," I sighed and left for the door.

Once he was inside, I led him up the stairs toward my room and sat on my bed with my arms crossed. "You owe me a new window, by the way."

"I know. I'm sorry." he smiled sheepishly. "But you were going to ignore me otherwise. I had to get your attention somehow."

"Get to the point Sora; I'm still angry at you." It wasn't entirely true. Having him here with me now made me realize that I really wasn't angry at him anymore. I didn't even have a lingering thread of resentment toward him like I thought I would. I was still angry, but it was toward myself. I was angry at my own pettiness.

It bothered me more that Sora bothered to waste his time with me when he had friends that needed him the most.

"It still hurts, you know." He confessed. "Knowing what happened to you, it hurts. It hurts all of us, especially me. No one deserves to go through what you went through and watching you deal with it by yourself, watching you tear yourself from the inside out, it hurts all of us. If anyone deserves happiness, it's you Roxas."

I looked away from him, unable to stare him straight in the eye. My heart sped anxiously in my chest like it always did when someone brought up my nightmare.

"You said it didn't bother you."

"It's not your scars that bother me. It's-Roxas, what happened to your hands?"

I suddenly blanched. I had to take my bandages off because they were getting too itchy for comfort. The cuts had already clotted, revealing the damage my tantrum had done to my hands. The fall that I had sustained just a few minutes ago, aggravated one of my cuts, making it bleed again.

Sora grabbed my wrists and examined both my hands with horror.

"What happened?" He gasped. His blue eyes jumped from hand to hand, until finally, they rested on my face.

"Oh, um, it was an accident. My mirror broke." It was harder to lie to Sora's face than it was when he was on the phone.

I should have been nervous, the way his eyebrows knitted together. I should have been scared, the way his blue eyes flashed with suspicion. I should have been completely freaked out the moment he dropped my hands from his grip. But if I wanted to be honest with myself, I couldn't feel any of it.

"Was it accidental or on purpose?" He asked his voice suspecting.

I can't be mad at him for not trusting me. If he knew exactly what I did, he'd have every reason to not trust me anymore. If he found out exactly why I did it, I'm screwed.

"It was accidental, alright?" I mirrored his frown. "Go ahead and don't trust me. Have I ever given you a reason to suspect me of anything?"

He looked at me blankly, as though I had just asked him a seriously stupid question.

"Don't bring up the train incident," I grumbled. "That was completely subconscious."

"Why?" He asked. He tilted his head sideways to show his curiosity. "Why was that subconscious, Roxas? Was this subconscious too?"

I sighed. I was getting tired of these insinuations everyone was doing lately. "I am not a cutter, Sora."

"Not consciously," he grumbled.

"Not ever," I snapped. "Didn't you come here to talk because I certainly don't remember lecturing being part of it."

Sora sighed in defeat and sat down beside me.

"I'm sorry. It's just… we're all really worried about you. Riku said he saw what you did on the train. How you grabbed your arm so tightly that your arm started bleeding. It bothered him that you didn't even feel it." He bit his lower lip again, worry replacing suspicion. "And now this?" He grabbed my right hand gently; a few of his fingers ran over clotted wounds. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I'm not!"-stupid question-"I told you it's subconscious!"-you should know the answer to that Sora.

I knew the answer to that question, but Sora didn't know and he didn't need to know. I wasn't going to confess the truth. I would much rather take it to the grave.

"Why don't you believe me?" I asked him.

I wasn't hurt that he didn't believe me. I wasn't bothered that he didn't trust me. I was still much too numb to really feelany of my emotions at the moment.

Sora entwined his fingers into mine and stared me straight in the eyes. "You're not alone, not anymore. Remember that promise I made last year? I intend to keep it, even if I have to protect you from yourself."

My eyes suddenly widened in horror. "Oh no, you're not going to tell Cloud are you?"

"If it prevents you from "subconsciously" hurting yourself then yes, I'm going to tell him. This is serious Roxas. Even if you didn't mean to, you're subconsciously hurting yourself."

"That's not nearly as bad as what Cloud is gonna do to me once you tell him!" I cried. "He'll _subconsciously_ murder me!"

"I'll leave flowers at your funeral."

I groaned, falling into the mattress in defeat. I buried my face beneath my hands, completely forgetting the trail of blood that dried against my wrist. If Cloud thought I was even remotely depressed, I'm dead. He'll watch me like a hawk until the day I graduate college. He'll take away all the forks and knives from the kitchen and I'll get stuck using those stupid plastic utensils! They can't even cut paper! Sora can't tell him! He'll-suddenly, my mind wandered back to earlier before when a rock had flown into my window.

Sora broke my window.

I sat up unexpectedly, startling the brunet beside me. I stared at him, a devious grin forming across my lips. His expression grew bewildered by the second.

"You're not going to tell," I grinned from ear to ear.

"And why not?" He tried to put up a brave face, but his confusion was evident.

I laughed. "You're not. And you know why? Because someone threw a rock into my window!"

His eyes widened in realization and darted toward the broken window, as if accusing the window for ratting him out.

"If you don't tell Cloud about this, I'll keep the window a secret. Deal?"

"Roxas-" he tried, but I held my hand against his mouth to stop him.

I could tell he was uncomfortable with this type of secret. Had it been something less important, Sora would have agreed in a heartbeat, but this wasn't something he could keep to himself. Subconscious or not, hurting yourself was still bad-in his eyes. I didn't expect Sora to understand. How could he? His life was too perfect to understand what hell I've been living.

"I'll tell him myself," I lied. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll tell him tonight and I'll keep the window between us, okay?" I pulled my hand away from his mouth to allow him to speak.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

He smiled, this time a true smile. I returned his smile with one of my own.

Lying was getting too easy.


	6. Chapter 6

Since it was the last week of summer vacation, Olette decided it'd be a great idea to shop for school supplies together. So here we were, the whole gang (minus the usual three) entered the supplies store and immediately shot off in different directions for what we needed.

Kairi led Riku into the notebook section of the store. I didn't expect to see those two again for quite some time.

Naminé and Pence wandered off in search for art supplies. Pence wasn't much of an artist, but he did seem to enjoy browsing through the art section whenever he spotted one in a store.

Hayner and Olette decided they would browse the store for binders, which meant Sora and I were the last two left.

We were each given an item to collect. Kairi and Riku had notebook duty. Depending on how many classes we had and what classes absolutely needed it, they'd gather as many notebooks required. Olette and Hayner were on binder duty and Naminé and Pence were on utensil duty, as in, they were in charge of getting stacks of pens, pencils, and whatever else we'd need for this school year. Sora and I were given the easiest task possible-and I had the sudden suspicion it was Sora who thought I'd benefit the most from this task. We had to look for book covers. Book covers: the most non-threatening, non-sharp, softest thing in the entire store.

"Subtle, very subtle," I grumbled as we made our way down the aisle in search of those blasted book covers.

"What's subtle?" He asked. His eyes scanned the shelves for any decorative covers the girls might want for their books. He stopped in front of a particular set designed with multicolored swirls and stars. "This looks good." He dropped the package into my basket.

"You know what I'm talking about."

"No, not really."

He still didn't look at me. Instead, he reached for another package of book socks. This one was a solid blue. The one behind it was a solid red. He dumped them both into my basket.

I rolled my eyes. "Sure. Go ahead and pretend you don't know what I'm talking about."

"Okay," he said, grabbing another decorative book sock. This time it was pink and white with flora designs. I bet that'll be Kairi's soon. He grabbed two book covers from the shelf, one black the other silver and turned toward me. "Which one do you like: the silver one?" He wiggled the package. "Or the black one?" He wiggled the other package.

I stared at him blankly.

"What?" he pouted. "Aren't these your favorite colors? If you want both of them, you can have them."

I rolled my eyes. "No, I envisioned my future." I grabbed two book covers from the basket at random and held it up in front of him. "'Roxy dear, does the mahogany match the drapes or the burgundy?'"

Sora threw the book covers at my face, which I dodged rather easily, and snatched the basket from my hands. His cheeks were pink with embarrassment.

"Shut up Roxas," he grumbled, bending down to pick up the fallen book covers he threw at me like projectiles. "Like Kairi and Naminé would let us decorate our house…"

It somehow didn't surprise me that Sora thought it was more unbelievable to let us decorate our imaginary house than the fact that I was making fun of him for acting like a housewife picking out furniture. At least I got him to carry the basket.

"I hope that's not too heavy for you," I teased, shoving my hands into my pockets.

Sora glanced over his shoulder and laughed. "Don't worry Roxy; I won't let my little uke carry this heavy basket all by himself."

My jaw dropped. "WHAT?"

Just around the aisle, a pair of voices quickly burst into laughter. Sora stuck out his tongue playfully and wandered into the neighboring aisle. I followed after him.

It turned out that the art supply aisle was just around the corner. And there, standing in the middle of the aisle was Pence holding a semi-full basket and Naminé, holding a new art pad. They both had amused smiles on their faces that only widened the moment they spotted us.

"Hey guys," Pence greeted the moment we were within ear shot. "Have fun shopping?"

"Oh hah, hah," I snapped and snatched the basket out of Sora's hands.

He grinned mischievously at me.

"That's a lot of art supplies, Naminé." Sora said, peering into the basket. "Are we really going to need all this stuff?"

"Well, yes and no. You and Roxas have Anatomy together right? You'll both need the crayolas, but most of this stuff is for my art class." She beamed happily, hugging the drawing pad that was too big for the basket closer to her chest.

I peered into the basket, curious about the art supplies Naminé might need for school when a package suddenly caught my interest. It was a pair of regular scissors. The blades were long and thin, its edges sharp for a clean cut and its handle a dark blue. It surprised me how sharp the edges of the scissors looked. I didn't notice it before, but were scissors always that sharp?

I tore my eyes away from the enticing object, not at all bothered that I just described a pair of scissors as "enticing".

"Hey Roxas, can I ask you something?" Pence asked. He continued when I nodded. "I'm sorry for noticing this now, but what happened to your hands?"

My fingers flexed around the basket handle out of habit, showing off the clotted cuts. Pence and Naminé, who hadn't seen them out of their bandages before, stared at my hands for a brief moment.

It was Naminé who replied. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you. Roxas had an accident with his mirror. I don't know what happened exactly, but it was pretty bad. We had to throw out the whole mirror."

Pence grimaced. "Oh."

Sora wasn't too pleased with her explanation, but I didn't care.

 

After we regrouped and paid for the mound of school supplies, we brought our earnings to the Usual Spot and began to sort through them. Naminé separated most of her art supplies from the pile and gave us the things she thought we would need for our science classes. Olette gave each of us a binder and Riku handed the notebooks until the pile shrank to nothing. The packages of pens and pencils went around the group, a few bottles of white out and finally, the scissors went around.

I was a little too giddy for my pair of scissors. No one seemed to notice, except of course, Sora, who kept eyeing me like a predator since we left the store. When I caught his suspicious gaze, I raised an innocent eyebrow, like I was silently questioning his wary stare. They narrowed even more, quietly accusing me of playing dumb when I knew damn well why he was doubtful. I gave him an innocent pout.

My eyes said: _I can't believe your accusing me. I didn't do anything wrong._

His eyes read: _Not consciously._ Then he mouthed: _you lied to me._

I tilted my head slightly, allowing childlike naiveté to wash over me. _Did I?_ I mouthed back.

Hayner watched us, astonished and bewildered by our near telepathic communication.

We ignored him.

_You promised to tell Cloud._ Sora mouthed. He flexed his hands to make a point, but it looked more like a vulgar gesture. I suppressed the urge to laugh.

_I did tell him._ I mouthed back. Sora raised an eyebrow in response. _He didn't believe me._

"That's bullshit!" Sora cried, a lot louder than he needed to.

Silence fell in the Usual Spot and all eyes turned Sora, who blushed in embarrassment at his sudden outburst. He laughed it off; pretending it was a joke more so than an outburst. The others slowly returned to their conversation, except for Hayner, who was finding our silent communication to be much more interesting than what the others were talking about and Riku, who was under the impression that I made Sora swear in the first place.

The third year leaned into Hayner and whispered, "What's going on?"

"Lover's quarrel," Hayner replied, also in a whisper. "Something about promising to tell Cloud about boobs and Roxas lying to Sora. I'm not too sure. It's like they're talking telepathically. It's freaky."

Sora continued to ignore the growing audience, but I couldn't suppress the smile that wormed its way on my lips. Hayner was pretty good at reading lips, but he just didn't get it.

"If you're not going to tell him then I will."

My amusement instantly turned into annoyance. Not only was Sora threatening to reveal my secret again, but he was trying to talk about this in the presence of our friends too. I tore my eyes away from him and chose to tear the plastic off my new pair of scissors.

"I'm not talking about this here," I murmured, struggling to remove the plastic entirely.

"I don't want any more excuses Roxas." the brunet frowned; his anger sparked the fire of my own. "If we don't talk about it here, we'll talk about it never!"

It was the same useless conversation from yesterday, only this time my anger had a renewed purpose.

"What exactly do you want me to say, Sora?" I snapped, throwing down the empty package now that my scissors were free and clutched tightly in my hand.

The noise of conversation quickly fell silent and all eyes were on us again. This time, neither one of us addressed our friends or laughed it off like it was some sort of joke. We were too busy glaring daggers into each other to care whether or not they were watching.

The rational part of my brain knew exactly why Sora was vehement with me. He cared about me too much to sit on the sidelines like a helpless boyfriend. He didn't want me to suffer, but he just didn't understand.

I'm already suffering.

"Look, Sora, I know you're worried about me, but you don't have to be. It doesn't even hurt anymore."

"What doesn't hurt anymore?" Hayner asked bewildered by where this conversation was heading.

Riku didn't say a word, but the way his green eyes narrowed told me that whatever suspicion he had before had finally been confirmed.

Naminé, Kairi and Pence watched the two of us with the same confusion Hayner felt, but Olette watched on with sadden eyes, almost as though her own suspicions had been answered.

Sora's expression shifted from anger to shock to realization and then to sorrow in a matter of seconds.

I don't like it.

I was suddenly surrounded by watchful eyes, every one of them full of pity and accusation.

_I don't need your pity! What do ANY of them KNOW about DESPAIR?_

The numbness inside my core erupted like a volcano of emotion for the second time that summer. Anger and hatred melted into one, it flowed through my veins like blood and quickened my beating heart. At the center of it all was envy, sinking poison into my very soul and controlling my body like a puppeteer.

"Don't give me those looks! Like any of you could really understand what I went through," I yelled at them, not really caring if I startled them with my outburst. "I'm so sick of your damn questions! I'm so sick of all the lies! I'm so sick of everyone pretending like they actually give a fuck when it's so OBVIOUS that NO ONE DOES!"

I kicked my pile of school books in fury, ignoring the flinches Kairi and Naminé did when my books crashed into theirs.

"Calm down Roxas," Riku tried, until my eyes zeroed in on his and he suddenly fell silent by my vicious glare.

"Shut up Riku!" I growled at him maliciously. My grip around my scissors grew tight, but the blades around the outer edges were too dull to cut, too dull to draw blood. The feel of metal pressed against my skin snapped reality back into place and I realized exactly what I was doing.

Taking my anger out on them would only make things worse between us. They would still have their precious childhood memories. They would still have their stupid inside jokes; their stupid way of doing things; they would still and always will, be much happier than I ever could be. Screaming at them, lashing out at them, doing anything to show what I truly felt inside would only separate me from them. Or worse, separate Sora from me.

This tantrum of mine was useless. I had to reel the hurricane back inside.

The untamable anger, the fiery hatred, the poisonous envy, I forced it all back into the dark depths of my heart like a Pandora's Box that had been accidentally opened.

I hated myself for being this weak. Why can't I lash out at them? I have every right to be angry about what happened!

_It changes nothing. It happened. It's done. You're tainted. They're not. You're broken. They're not. Accept it._

I loosened my grip around the scissors, but didn't let go. It was reassuring against my skin, like an unspoken promise only it and I could understand. I didn't want to let it go. I was afraid that if I did, I would lose my temper again.

I muttered an apology, it was probably too soft to be heard, but no one seemed to mind as I walked out of the Usual Spot still clutching the scissors in my hand.

Sora didn't follow me. Neither did Naminé or Olette. No one grabbed my arm. No one called out my name or text my phone. No one bothered to chase me, to stop me or ask if I was okay, but that was fine.

I didn't expect them to.

They must have been too stunned to move or too lost to really understand why I had exploded on them. Or maybe, they really didn't care. Maybe, they were tired of this game almost as much as I was. But I guess it really didn't matter.

I still had my scissors.


	7. Chapter 7

_I'm tired._

If I leave now, I'll end up in my room and hide under the covers just like the turtle Sora said I was. He'll come after me, pull me out and throw me back into society with our friends like he always did.

This is our routine.

_I'm so sick of this game._

I was the yo-yo, reeling back and forth between sanity and insanity and Sora was the yo-yo player, always trying to pull me up.

This is our relationship.

_Aren't you tired of it?_

How shallow.

Sora deserves better than this. He deserves better than me.

_An escape is what I need._

If I wasn't running from Sora, I was running from Marluxia and Larxene. And if I wasn't running, I was hiding. Always the coward-too scared to face your fears. Too scared to be close; too scared to be alone; what kind of existence is this?

I'm so sick of running. I'm so sick of hiding. I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of lying.

I just want to give up.

At least in death, all you have is numbing silence. There was nothing to fear; nothing to feel. All you could see was darkness-if anything at all. You couldn't taste, you couldn't breathe-why would you? You're dead. And if there was something beyond, something after death, I would much rather pray that I was too numb to feel, because being alive in Heaven-with my feelings intact and my memories untouched-would surely still feel like Hell all over again.

I was alone in my thoughts, like I always was, sitting on the roof of my house with nothing but perpetual twilight lingering in the horizon. I was calm, eerily so. I had never felt this calm in such a long time. I almost forgot what it felt like to have no worries or troubles. _Would death be this peaceful?_

I get it now, the thing she did. I understand why Larxene wrote silentium on my back. It wasn't just to keep me silent, to keep their dark dirty little secret between the three of us. It was supposed to mean so much more than that. It represented silence in its ultimate form, the silence that only death can bring; the one silence eternity could never break.

_Sweet silentium…_

I groaned. No, stop it. Don't think about it. This is the kind of thinking that will get me in trouble with everyone. If this is what Olette was talking about, now I understand why she was so worried.

_Screw Olette. She was the one who kept that secret from me in the first place!_

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," I chanted under my breath. I ran my fingers through my hair. "Why couldn't silentium work on my brain too?"

I wish I could stop thinking. It might do me some good if my brain could just-

Thunk! 

Something heavy and metallic fell out of my pocket. It slid down the arch of the roof, the rays of twilight flashing against the metallic twin blades for a brief moment. I scrambled toward the scissors and managed to snatch them off the roof before they slipped over the edge and stabbed any poor animal down below. My house wasn't exactly tall enough to cause any major damage. In the off chance that I wanted to jump off, the worse that could happen would be a broken bone. It wasn't tall enough to kill me, but I figured something as sharp as these scissors would be enough to impale a squirrel. Or worse, a person walking by.

I twirled the scissors in my palm with eerie fascination. Using it meant I was consciously aware of what I was doing. I would prove Sora right and give evidence to what everyone suspected I was: a cutter. Not using it would prove everyone wrong and that my temper tantrums on the train and in my room were all subconscious impulses…unless Sora brought up the whole "why are you doing that subconsciously?" argument again.

Either way, Sora would have blurted out my secret to everyone else and today would be the last day to enjoy of what little freedom I had left. I had nothing left to lose now. It wasn't going to hurt anyway.

With my mind made up, I pulled the twin blades apart to examine their level of sharpness. Compared to all the other scissors I've seen in my life, these were definitely sharper than usual. How sharp, exactly, I was about to find out.

I pressed the blade against my skin, a lot harder than necessary, and dragged it across my arm experimentally. Too much pressure made the edge of the scissor go deep into my skin. It punctured through layers of skin and slowly tore through flesh as I brought it across my arm. Blood oozed from the wound, faster than I was used to, but just like I expected, it still didn't hurt. It made a dull sting, but it didn't hurt like it should.

Something stirred inside me. It was an emotion I hadn't felt since homecoming last year. It wasn't a very common emotion, I guess, so I wasn't surprised that I wasn't familiar with it. What did surprise me was how strong it felt. I was relieved, so utterly and completely relieved about nothing and everything at the same time. I didn't understand it, but I wasn't going to question it. If one cut made me relieved-just one tiny little insignificant cut on my arm-I wondered how relieved I would feel had I made more?

I forced my brain to blank. Logic, reasoning, sanity and irrationality-I forced it all to clear and divulge into the sea of relief that washed over my body like warm water. I wasn't counting, I didn't care to. I wasn't sure how deep or shallow I was going, I didn't care to. I mindlessly brought the blade's edge against any pale, unmarked skin I had and slashed. Too light, too hard, no blood, too much blood-it didn't matter as long as my relief didn't go away.

As long as this calmness could stay… I was prepared to do this all day if I needed to.

"Roxas!"

Or until someone stopped me.

I jumped at the unexpected voice, nearly losing my footing against the slanted edge of the roof. The scissors, whose blades were now stained with smears of my blood, fumbled out of my hands. It crashed onto the roof and followed the force of gravity over the gutters. I watched forlornly as my new favorite instrument vanished behind a bundle of bushes my brother was too lazy to trim. Crap. I need to get those later.

"Roxas are you home?" I heard the door bell ring a few times followed by impatient knocking that sounded ironically like the knocking Riku did the last time he abducted me from my house. So Sora hadn't come alone this time?

As stealthily as I could, I climbed the arch of our pointed roof and peered down the street. I couldn't see Sora or Riku or Kairi from my vantage point, but I did see a concerned looking Olette, an infuriated Hayner, an impassive looking Pence and my twin standing on the sidewalk. Naminé must have left her keys inside again; otherwise they wouldn't have to stand around the house waiting for me to answer.

A furious knock pounded against the door. "Open this door right now Uchiyama or I swear I will break your damn window!" Riku demanded, slamming a fist against the door again.

I snorted. My peaceful tranquility now gone. And now that my scissors were no longer in my hands, I felt more vulnerable than before. I was stuck here on the roof. Climbing down now, with my left arm looking like a scratching post and bleeding rivers of blood, would seriously get me into a world of trouble.

_Why should I care? What are a few more scars for the collection?_

I sighed. "Up here!" I waved at them with my unscathed right arm. I used my left to keep myself stable on the roof.

The others on the sidewalk stared in my direction while the trio I couldn't see finally came into visual view from the porch.

"What are you doing up there, Onii-chan?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm, um, twilight gazing."

"It looks like you're stuck." Pence pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. We were too far from each other for him to see me do it anyway. Thank you Captain Obvious.

"I told them the truth," Sora confessed. My heart started to race. "Can you please come down? We just want to talk."

"Don't think about jumping off the damn roof either!" Riku yelled, his green eyes blazing with anger. "Because I will catch your sorry ass!"

Some how I didn't doubt he would. With a sigh, I slunk back behind the roof, disappearing from their view. I carefully leaned over the gutter to judge the distance between me and the grass below. It wasn't that high, but jumping off wasn't wise. I climbed here through the front. It was easier to use the porch as a stepping stone, but since my windows were on the same side as the porch, it was a lot easier to climb on to the roof through my windows instead.

I had two options.

Option A required me risking this jump. I could jump from the back and pray my numbness extended toward my feet so in the off chance I actually do hurt my ankle in the process of landing, it wouldn't be so bad.

Or option B: climb down through the front. Doing so would expose exactly why I was sitting on the roof, but I guess it didn't matter. If Sora told them what he knew then they already suspected I was a cutter. What reason did I have to hide now?

I continued to stare down at my backyard. My mind was already made up. I had to turn around, climb over the arch, slide down the roof and crawl back into my room. That's all. There's no point in risking any broken bones to hide a secret they already knew. _Suspected._ Knew. _Suspected._

My mind went blank. I blinked.

Would it hurt?

_No it wouldn't._

Would I survive?

_Did I want to?_

I could break a bone.

_I could break my neck._

Did it matter?

_Not to me._

"Roxas!" / "Onii-chan!" / "Don't do it!" / "Life is worth living!" / "Don't you dare jump off that roof Roxas!"

I snapped out of my thoughts, surprised I was still standing at the edge of the roof and not in front of my window like I should have been.

Sora was standing in the backyard now, looking around frantically for something to break my fall in case I really did jump. Naminé had her cell phone pressed against her ear, her eyes wide with panic. She wasn't crying, not yet. I still had the choice. I knew who she was calling and wished she wouldn't. Today really would be the last day of freedom.

Riku and Hayner were both infuriated at me. They stood just below me, their arms held outward as though their strength combined would be enough to break my fall. They don't get it. Don't they realize they would get hurt too if I fell?

Pence stood with Olette and Kairi. He held both their hands, as if trying to calm them down, but they were both trembling. Olette's green eyes watched me with the same panic Naminé did and Kairi… Kairi was actually crying.

Kairi Uchida never cried in front of anyone. So why- _why_ -was she crying now?

It bothered me. The way her tears spilled down her usually vibrant face. The way her nose grew red when she sniffed. The way her violet-blue eyes looked at me, so wide and terrified; so shocked and disbelieving-don't pity me Kairi Uchida. I don't need your pity. I don't need your tears!

_I'll be just a memory in that pretty little head of yours._

The Pandora's Box unleashed itself for the third time that summer. The anger, the hatred; the guilt and the grief; the violent terror of being discovered, the constant fear of what stood beyond the shadows; the anxiety of abandonment; the warmth of falling in love, of being loved, of having friends who cared, of having a family that loved you-the poisonous suffocating envy-exploded violently within my mind.

And just when I thought I would detonate from the pressure-I felt light, like a feather in the wind. I felt free, lost in this world of messed up colors, without any regrets, without any despair. So blissfully free! A part of me-that ever so logical part of my brain-registered the fact that the sky was no longer above my head, but below my feet and that the roof had strangely shrunk in size.

Yet, it didn't matter. I was free. I was going to be free.

I closed my eyes, ready to embrace the never ending silence, ready to accept darkness as my home for all eternity… until realization settled bitterly within the pit of my stomach. Logic pushed through the forefront of my mind again and reminded me something I wish I didn't know.

My roof wasn't high enough to kill me.


	8. Chapter 8

Darkness. That was all I could see. A dark, inky black void. I hadn't seen this darkness in such a long time.

There was silence.

There was tranquility.

My thoughts were blank.

My emotions were numb. I wish I could say that was the case for my body.

It hurt to move.

It hurt to breathe.

It hurt to think.

Pain, so much pain. Is this what pain felt like? I must have forgotten. Was this physical? Was it mental? My body felt like it was on fire. So excruciating. Too hot. Too worn. Too tired. My arms throbbed in agony whenever I tried to wiggle my fingers. Sometimes the pain would beat to the rhythm of my heart. Other times, it would vanish like it never existed.

If this is what death was like, I could get used to it.

 

Darkness left too soon. The light followed quickly after. It engulfed the tranquil void in white, blinding light, along with it came the distorted sounds of unfamiliar voices.

Huh… voices… were they angels? Was I waking up in heaven?

_Am I dead?_

I opened my eyes. My vision was a haze of distorted colors that swirled uncomfortably around me. Shades of white and browns with the occasional black spots warped before my eyes until it adjusted with every blink and soon enough, I was staring at the ceiling.

Heaven had ceilings!

I blinked some more. The strange splashes of color I had witnessed before was part of the ceiling. It was a water stain to be exact and the more I stared at it, the more I realized it was a water stain in the shape of a three horned crown.

Heaven had water stained ceilings!

Now that my eyes were no longer swimming in delirium, I glanced around the room. It was a private hospital room with white walls, water stained ceilings-in the shape of a crown-and three pieces of furniture all situated in different sides. There was a chair at the foot of my bed, one chair by my right side and the other on my left, closest to the window. A tv hung from the corner of the room in perfect visual of my lonely bed. Decorating either side of my night stands-I had two apparently-were "get well" cards and a vase of flowers.

I sighed heavily, the realization of it all settled bitterly in my stomach. I knew falling off a two story building wouldn't do me any good.

_I guess I should assess the damage._ I wiggled my toes. They responded. I moved my legs. They responded. I wiggled my fingers. They responded, albeit painfully. I winced, not prepared to feel even the slightest bit of pain after being numb for so long. I tried my wrists and my arms next. My right arm seemed unscathed for the most part. It prickled slightly with pain-there was probably a bruise somewhere. My left arm was a different story. It throbbed when it moved and it burned against the tightly wrapped bandages. Someone must have treated my cuts while I was unconscious. Despite that, it responded to my wishes without difficulty. At least I knew it wasn't broken.

That was one less broken thing to deal with.

_But there's a bigger mess waiting for me._ I groaned.

I cursed my two story house for lacking in height. If it had been taller, I would be dead, and at least then I wouldn't have to see everyone's expression for what I've done, or what I almost did. Death was less of a mess than this.

_I wonder if they hate me?_

I can't help but think things will go back to the way they were before this fantasy began. Back when the only thing real was me being invisible; when I wasn't "Roxas Uchiyama" but "Namine's brother" or "that creepy blonde kid." Back when being friends with Sora and the others was nothing more than a stupid dream I concocted to get me through the lonely days. Back when the only ones that remembered I existed were teachers giving me detention or trying to see if "everything at home was okay." I was alive then. Lonely, yes, but alive, inside and out.

Now, life felt hollow, like I'm lost in a fog of emptiness. It was better than the pain of envy constantly pouring poison into my soul or the fire of rage burning through my veins. It was better than dealing with a hurricane of emotions… and yet, there was a void in my chest where the pressure of life had once been.

This feeling wasn't the same as being numb. At least when I was numb, I could still feel the dull ache of my nightmare eating me from the inside out. I still felt envy in the center of my heart, her claws of resentment and inferiority scratching the layers of skin. This wasn't like that, far from it.

I was empty-truly, completely, undeniably empty.

 

Time seemed to have lost meaning. I don't know how long I lay in bed, watching the water stains wiggle in and out of focus. The warm rays of perpetual twilight peaked through the curtains every now and then, but it didn't help.

Was it morning? Was it noon? Did it matter?

_Not anymore._

I heaved a heavy sigh, feeling the weight of emptiness press uncomfortably into my chest.

Really, what did matter anymore?

I snapped out of my thoughts and for a moment, I couldn't figure out why. The door that had remained untouched throughout my musings clicked open. It swung inward slowly, and from the corner of my eye, I spotted a flash of cornflower hair.

The emptiness grew heavier.

My siblings poured into the room, their faces solemn; their eyes downcast. Mom followed behind them. She was dressed in her soft pink nurses' uniform that reminded me of Pepto-Bismol just like it always did when I was a kid. It made me want to smile. I wished I could smile, but the muscles in my face refused to move.

Indifferent.

Empty.

_I'm still in Hell._

"You're awake," she smiled. She reached across the bed and gently brushed back a few locks of blonde hair from my eyes, just like she used to do when I was sick with the chicken pox or coughing up a lung from the flu. "You must be a little confused. The painkillers will do that to you."

She withdrew her hand from my head and checked on the IV drip. I already missed her comforting touch.

When she finished checking the IV, she took a seat on one of the chairs (Cloud and Naminé occupied the other two chairs) and gave me a long, careful stare.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked after a few minutes of silent staring. "Why didn't any of you tell me what happened last year?"

Silence grew heavier around us. The air of gloom and guilt thickened so much it was almost hard to breathe. Naminé swallowed and opened her mouth, but for once, she didn't know what to say. She snapped her jaw shut. She sank further into the chair, her blue eyes focused intently on anything that wasn't our mother. What could she say?

What could any of us say?

"I'm sorry."

Naminé and Cloud brought their eyes to mine at the sound of my voice. I licked my lips in hopes to continue, but all desire to speak escaped me and the words I wanted to say were swallowed away. All I could say was sorry… or maybe… that was all I needed to say.

My mother's hazel eyes grew glassy with unshed tears. She jumped from the chair and engulfed me into a hug. My body gladly embraced her warmth.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around for you and your siblings." She whispered. "But I will be. I promise." She brushed her lips against my cheek for a teary motherly kiss. "I love my little Roxy baby."

I hugged her tightly.

 

After mom left to finish her shift, and Cloud and Naminé went down to the cafeteria, I was left to my thoughts once more. But the serenity didn't last long. The door clicked open then shut again with the same soft click. I didn't turn to see who had entered my room. I already knew.

He sat on the chair to my right, his cherubic face no longer lit with a smile. His eyes were dull and tired, as though he hadn't slept in a long, long time. The void in my chest felt heavier than ever before. It was suffocating.

_This is Hell._

"Hi," his voice came out soft, almost a whisper.

Was he afraid of me?

No. He's afraid for me.

"Hi." I replied, just as quiet.

His hands nervously played with a strap chain that hung from his black pants, but his eyes never left mine.

"How do you feel?"

"Like I fell off a roof," I deadpanned.

He winced. "Sorry. Stupid question."

His fingers continued to play with his chain.

"So, um…" he tried. He stopped midway, his expression indecisive. After a moment of internal struggle, Sora finally sighed.

"What did you think of when you…" he bit his lip, afraid to say it-afraid to admit that what he had seen had truly happened-but knew he had no choice. He continued: "…when you jumped?"

_Freedom._ My mind whispered, but my voice said, "I didn't jump. I slipped."

"Roxas," his voice came out stern, authoritative. It made me wince. He was tired of the lies just as I was tired of giving them.

I sighed. "I thought 'my roof isn't high enough to kill me'."

His expression twisted into a frown. "That's a selfish thought." he murmured. He finally broke our gaze and watched his fingers fiddle with his chain.

I gave him a small smile he wouldn't see. "Yeah, it was." _But I'm weak._ I sighed again.

Something in Sora's demeanor changed in that moment. He returned his gaze, his eyes no longer a swirling mess of anxiety, fear, and exhaustion. Those brilliant blue eyes grew sharp with purpose. (The pressure in my chest slightly lightened.) He grabbed my hand tightly in his own and brought it to his face.

"Do you have any idea what you've put me through? What the last few days have been like?" his voice cracked at the last second, his cerulean eyes brimming with tears. I could feel his hands shake as he held mine, but he didn't loosen his grip. He wasn't going to let go.

"Roxas, you were unconscious for three days. Having to wake up, not knowing if you would-" his grip grew tight around my hand. He couldn't muster the words. He shook his head. "I-it was Hell." he said instead. "Life without you…" he shook his head again, his cheeks streamed with tears. "That's not life!" he cried.

"Please, please, Roxas, I know you're in pain. I know what happened can never change, but please don't give up! You're not alone! I would never-"

I couldn't stand it anymore. The look on his face, his desperate pleas, his desire to keep me going, to stay by my side- _how can you stay when I tried to get away from this life?_ -to forgive me- _How can you forgive me when I lied to you so many times?_ -to love me- _how can you love me after everything I've done?_

_How can you sit there and tell me none of it matters?_

_How can you sit there and shed those tears for me and mean it?_

_How can you sit there and tell me you can't live without me? That you love me so unconditionally?_

_I put you through Hell._

_I brought nothing but trouble._

_What have I done to win someone so loving as you?_

_I've tainted you and you don't even care._

The emptiness in my heart suddenly burst into an array of emotions so strange and alien, it nearly made me nauseous. Adrenaline suddenly shot throughout my body, and without even realizing it, I lurched off my bed, grabbed Sora's face and rammed our lips together. I pulled away a minute later with a racing heart and a strange wave of peace blossoming in my chest. I fell back into my bed, a very real smile plastered on my face.

Sora watched me through half lidded eyes clouded with confusion and love. He managed to snap out of his daze and wiped the streak of tears from his cheeks with a clumsy smile.

"Wh-what was that for?" He asked.

I gave him a shrug. "You talk too much."

He laughed. "Somebody has to."

Before I got the chance to retort, the hospital door flew open with a loud bang! Sora and I jumped at the intrusion as a pair of scathing brown eyes quickly honed in on me like a heat seeking missile. Hayner charged into the room with intent for murder. At least I was already in a hospital.

"You ASSWIPE!" he nearly screamed. "WERE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

He used his left hand to land a punch on my right arm. I jerked from the gesture, still unable to feel it thanks to the pain medication still coursing through my veins.

Olette, Kairi and Pence tried to calm Hayner down while Riku laid a hand on his unbandaged shoulder. It was then I realized something was wrong with Hayner. His right arm was wrapped in a cast. My eyes ghosted over to Riku, who seemed to have fared better than the raging blonde in front of him.

Hayner must have noticed my staring, because he gestured with his good hand to the cast and said, "I hope you're satisfied! I broke my arm trying to catch your stupid butt!"

"Hayner," Olette pleaded.

"Oh good," a new voice cut in. All eyes turned to the door where Naminé and Cloud stood holding trays of food. "Looks like the gang's here!" my twin smiled, her first real one all day. "I see Hayner's still mad."

"And he'll stay that way for a while." Pence commented with a smile.

His best friend rolled his eyes in disdain. "I have every right to be angry."

"You're right," I said, grabbing everyone's attention. "And I'm sorry for everything. This summer hasn't been easy, but that didn't give me an excuse to take it out on my friends."

"We know it's been hard." To my surprise, it was Riku who spoke. "To be honest Roxas, we saw this coming from day one."

Olette nodded in agreement. "It was one of the reasons why we were so worried."

"We thought that we could make you happy by spending time with you." Pence said. He gave me a sympathetic smile. "We didn't think you'd take it badly. We're your friends. What kind of friends would we be if we didn't care?"

I gave them an appreciative smile, unable to voice exactly how moved I was. And of course, Cloud had to ruin it. He cleared his throat and said, "Despite how sickeningly sweet this moment is, my baby brother needs to eat before we lose him to starvation." He gestured toward the door. "Out, all of you! You can see him later."

Without stalling, my friends filed out of the room one by one, except for Sora, who remained by my side with our fingers intertwined. He gave me a dazzling smile, one that made my stomach flutter like a thousand butterflies for the first time in a long time.

I'm tired of running. _But I can't seem to stop._

I'm tired of hiding. _But I'm afraid of being discovered._

I'm tired of lying. _But I can't break this habit._

I'm tired of the silence. _But I don't know how to break it._

I'm tainted. _And now, you are too._

The tranquility that had warmed my chest left far too quickly, guilt now taking its place as the stream of thoughts poured into my mind. Even with Sora by my side, smiling as brightly as he did, the waves of guilt continued to wash over me, reminding me of something I wish I didn't know.

_I'm still in Hell._


	9. Chapter 9

They thought I was asleep, lost safely within the void of dreams, but they should have known me better. They should have realized I wouldn't be asleep, that I would be coherent enough to hear them speak about me as though I weren't there. Maybe to them I wasn't, being deep asleep was a good enough excuse for them. How foolish.

I heard them, my family, my friends, speak around me in different intervals of the day. I don't know who was first or how I managed to keep myself from being discovered for as long as I did, but somehow I did and I was rewarded with their conversation. They were speaking about me, nothing important at first. Sora and the others mostly spent their visitation reminiscing about the good times while I "slept." They were far too kind to let me sleep. I guess they thought it would help… but it was foolish.

It had been Olette who started the conversation. She asked the one question I had feared since my awakening: would things be different now between us? Sora protested of course. He believed that nothing would change; I was still Roxas, just like they were still my friends, but Olette sounded unsure of his words and she wasn't the only one. Things couldn't stay the same after this. Too much had happened, too much had changed. Olette believed I wouldn't be the same and Riku had agreed with her… and my own sister did as well.

Sora still refused to believe any of it.

The topic was different when it came to my family. It was the same situation, yet a different cause for concern.

"He needs help," I heard my mother say; though I wasn't sure as to who she was speaking to. "Professional help. This has been going on for too long. Once he gets discharged, I'm going to hire a psychiatrist."

"You really think a psychiatrist is going to help?" Oh, she was talking to Cloud.

"With a little bit of medication and the right guidance, I believe it'll do wonders."

I heard a gasp from the left side of my body. It sounded small and feminine-it must have been Naminé. "Medication?" She cried, until someone harshly shushed her. She spoke again, this time her voice now a whisper. "Mama, you can't put onii-chan on medication!"

"Imouto is right. I don't like the idea of having him on meds."

"The psychiatrist will do what must be done," My mother said, her voice firm. "I will not have this incident repeat itself again. Do you hear me?"

The rest of the world faded out before I could hear my sibling's reply, sleep finally embracing me. This time, I was grateful for it.

 

It was the eve of a new school year and the anxious excitement that filled the air multiplied tenfold. At first I thought it was because school would start again tomorrow that my family seemed a lot more jittery than usual, but I was wrong. They weren't anxious because today was the last day of summer vacation. They were anxious because today was the day I would be discharged from the hospital and come home.

I watched my mother fret over my vital readings for the fourth time that minute. I watched as my sister nervously packed away the cards our friends had given me and I watched as Cloud stiffly laid out the clothes I would wear out of the hospital. As they moved, lost in their own tasks, I sat quietly on the hospital bed in observation. They didn't say a word to me or acknowledge my presence, but I didn't mind the momentary invisibility because I knew, the moment I left the cold hospital room, my freedom would disappear forever.

If only my roof had been tall enough.

 

Sora and his brother waited for us in front of the house when we arrived. They greeted my mother the moment she pulled up into the drive way and asked her, as politely as they could, how her day had been so far. It was all pointless conversation.

"I'm sorry to have you do this on such short notice, but there's no one available to cover for me right now," My mother explained even though she really didn't have to. "If anything happens-anything-just call the hospital desk. You know the number, right boys?"

"Sure do!" Sora replied just as Leon nodded.

"Is this really necessary?" Cloud asked in annoyance. "I can take care of them both-"

"And look at the wonderful job you did, Cloud!" my mother snapped at him, her hazel eyes narrowed into slits. "You have two siblings-two! Not one, TWO! I put you in charge for the sake of keeping your baby siblings out of trouble, not to deliberately ignore them-"

"I get it!" My brother growled. He angrily unbuckled his seatbelt and marched out of the car, slamming the door shut in the process.

Naminé watched him go, her eyes flooded with worry. She bid our mother farewell and quietly left the car without another word or glance in my direction. I followed pursuit, ignoring the watchful eyes of my mom as I left the backseat.

"We'll keep an eye on them, Mrs. Uchiyama." I heard Leon say.

"I'm counting on you boys. Oh and one more thing, did you baby proof the house like I asked? Is your father okay with you babysitting like this on such short notice?"

I clenched my jaw, aggravation bubbling beneath my skin. I hadn't been home for five minutes and already I felt like a useless child. I ignored the rest of their conversation, missing out on whether or not Mr. Leonheart knew where his sons were and ignored my mother's goodbyes as she pulled out of the driveway and sped off for another shift of work. Her promise from the other day filtered into my mind, fueling the festering anger.

_Work, work, work, that's all that matters to you._

"Roxas," I heard him say. I felt his fingers tentatively wrap into mine. "Let's go inside."

It took me a moment to realize I hadn't moved from my spot. I glanced into Sora's eyes and saw the same well of pity swirling in his beautiful blue irises that seemed to be permanently stuck on everyone who saw me. Guilt overtook anger and exhaustion overtook guilt. I allowed him to lead me away, my will to fight extinguished for the day.

I was so tired of it all that I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed and sleep forever if I could.

He led me through the living room where Leon and Cloud stood murmuring about everything that had transpired. Naminé sat in the kitchen, her thoughts just as lost as I felt. We followed the stairs to the second floor and made the short trip to my room where he almost tripped over a sleeping bag, nearly dragging me down with him.

"Sorry," he sheepishly grinned, kicking the bag aside. "I thought I left that somewhere safer."

I ignored his apology and eyed the innocent sleeping bag with mild curiosity. "You're sleeping over?"

"Just until Dad comes back from his business trip," he replied. His eyes suddenly focused intently on his feet. "Unless you prefer that I don't stay…"

His grip on my hand slackened and sent my heart into panic. I tightened my hold, his attention back on me with eyes that swelled with mixtures of emotions. Having him here, with me, with only the four walls of my room as shelter, brought warmth into my chest. A faint trickle of tranquility wormed through my mind, easing the fog of emptiness. Sora was the only person who could calm me. Ever since the day I woke up, he was the only soul whose touch was all it took to make me feel at peace with myself. Maybe my mom was onto something when she asked him to babysit.

"What do you think you two are doing?"

Sora and I broke out of our revere and turned to the door, our hands still interlinked. Cloud and Leon stood by the doorway with arms crossed and eyes sharp. Well, Cloud anyway, Leon looked at us with mild amusement.

"You don't seriously think I'm going to let you two share a room, do you?"

Sora tried to protest. "But Cloud-!"

But my stiff ass brother narrowed his eyes in a gesture that screamed he wouldn't be swayed. Sora turned his infamous puppy dog eyes to Leon. The older brunet sighed, opening his mouth in protest.

"Shut up Leonheart!" My brother snapped before Leon could get a word in. "Don't get involved."

Leon's expression darkened. "A little too late for that, don't you think?" the older teen grumbled. "What's the big deal? It's not like Roxas is a girl or anything."

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. _Thanks Leon. You're so kind._

"We'll be good, I promise!" Sora pleaded. "We won't make any noises!"

"You better damn well not," Leon suddenly murmured. "Don't give Cloud a reason to castrate you." He quickly furrowed his brows thoughtfully. "Then again, I guess it wouldn't matter if you were castrated. It's not like you're gonna have kids-or could have kids-with Roxas."

"You're not helping Leon!" Sora cried his cheeks red with embarrassment.

Cloud heavily sighed, his entire body stiff with aggravation from our wonderful guests. He ran his hand through his cornflower locks of hair, messing it up even further.

"Look, I get no one wants to leave Roxas alone, but I'm not letting you stay here alone with him without supervision-"

"What's Sora going to do?" Leon interjected. "It's not like my brother is going to jump Roxas the moment we turn our backs. I know he's your precious baby brother but you're starting to sound like a father who's over protective of his youngest daughter."

Cloud turned aggravated eyes toward Leon, who was taken aback by the sudden severity of his friend's expression.

"What?" Cloud's glare intensified. "What?"

"Get the hell out of my house before I murder you."

Leon snorted with a roll of his eyes. "Deal with it. I'm getting paid by the hour for babysitting your ass." He crossed his arms over his chest, completely ignoring my brother's usually stoic expression growing angered by the second.

"You're not here to babysit me! You're here to babysit them!"

"Tomato, tomahto." the brunet impassively shrugged.

Cloud shook his head in defeat, not wanting to waste anymore of his precious time on the useless argument. He turned his aggravated stare back to the two of us, the original bite no longer there thanks to Leon's interference.

"For reasons I don't have to explain," he spat the last word to his best friend, who shrugged his shoulders impassively again. "I can't have you stay with Roxas in the same room."

"But Cloud-!" Sora tried again, but Cloud raised a hand to stop him.

"My house, my rules."

I felt my jaw clench for the second time in a day, my heart pounding with anger. My grip on Sora's hand tightened as a result, his eyes were back on me before I realized it.

"My freedom is already gone, Cloud." I began fury evident in my voice. "Can't I have something go my way for once?"

That had done it. I saw his body stiffen before my words registered fully into his brain. I said something I shouldn't have. Cloud's eyes hardened the same way mom's eyes did to him in an instant. His brows were furrowed again and his slightly feminine face contorted into an expression mixed with anger and disappointment.

"Your way?" He scoffed, as though the idea in itself was ridiculous. And who knew, maybe it really was. "If you had it your way, we'd be hosting your funeral right now." His voice raised an octave on the last word, his temper quickly matching my own. "Your way is selfish Roxas!"

"So what if it was?" I yelled. I felt Sora's hand grow tight in mine, a simple reminder that he was still there by my side. I tried to suppress the guilt that rolled through me in constant waves. I tried to change it into anger, to feed my growing rage, but the guilt only grew stronger, reminding me once again of my failed escape.

"I already said I was sorry Cloud. What more do you want from me?"

"You're not sorry for what you did," his voice came out low and deep, his blue-green eyes shifting from rage to disappointment and frustration. "You're only sorry that you were caught."

My fury withdrew as an onslaught of shame accompanied the hurricane of guilt. The adrenaline that had surged through me during the argument ceased, leaving the heavy weight of exhaustion to fall on my shoulders. I hung my head, too ashamed to stare at anyone as the silence persisted among us. Cloud used the silence to collect his thoughts and released a heavy sigh.

"Forget it. He can sleep here if only to keep you from doing something stupid again."

I don't need to be babysat! My mind wanted to scream, but my tongue refused to obey the words that wished to be spoken. I heard Cloud and Leon shift down the hall without another word. Sora's presence drew closer to me, his free hand resting gently on my shoulder now in a comforting gesture. I leaned into his touch, appreciating the serenity his warmth brought me. He wrapped his arms around me, as I did to him, and lay my head against his shoulder. His presence continued to comfort the chaos within my mind, but Cloud's words still rang through my ears.

 

Later that day, when nightfall had fallen and dinner arrived-because there was no way in hell Cloud was going to cook for any of us when he was pissed-Sora, Naminé and I sat in the dining room eating left over pizza and going over tomorrow's schedule.

"I can't believe we're second years," my sister gushed for the third time since the topic came up. "I'm going to miss seeing Riku in the halls next year. Where's he going for college?"

Sora reached across the table for another slice of pizza. "He's not going to college. His brother wants him to work right away. But don't worry, Riku promised to be available whenever we make plans."

"For Kairi's sake, huh?" my fair haired twin giggled.

"Yeah," he returned the gesture.

I watched them in silence, my stomach sour. It didn't really surprise me how easily Sora and Naminé got along, but sometimes I did forget. They were both optimistic souls, so open and friendly to the world around them. They were like little angels full of so much happiness and purity it was almost sickening. I hated the way Naminé stared at him with her pretty blue eyes or how she could so easily touch Sora without having to cringe. She was just like Kairi and Olette-

My train of thought crashed abruptly, leaving me confused as to why. It wasn't until I realized Sora and Naminé were watching me with concern lacing their features. I raised my eyebrows in a questioning manner, too annoyed with them to bother to speak. I didn't think I could keep the anger out of my voice anyway.

"Are you okay, onii-chan?" Naminé laid a delicate hand on top of my right hand, but the warmth of her flesh made my arm twitch. She retracted her hand in an instant. "Sora and I asked you what your classes were like this year." She tried to smile; she tried to pretend like this week had never existed, like it was all nothing more than a horrible nightmare, but the truth was hard to forget and her eyes showed it. She was angry with me, just like everyone else.

"You have anatomy together, right?" She asked forcing the muscles in her face to form what she thought was a sweet smile. It looked so fake to me.

I gave her a shrug, mostly due to the fact that I couldn't remember what my schedule was like, let alone where I left it. Naminé must have realized it because the next thing I knew, she rolled her eyes with a sigh and held out a hand to Sora expectantly. With one hand preoccupied with pizza, he reached for a bended envelope and gave it to Naminé.

"Luckily for you, I managed to find your schedule the other day." She said, pulling out the sheet of paper and unfolding it.

Her eyes trailed over the list, her blonde brows furrowing and unfurrowing repeatedly. Sora and I watched her expressions shift by the second when she finally laid the schedule in front of her.

"It's official, we have no classes together." She announced.

Sora nearly dropped his half-eaten pizza crust in horror. "But you said you were in almost all of my classes!"

"Yes, you and me, but I'm not with Roxas this semester. It looks like we only have homeroom together."

"Let me see!" Sora grabbed the schedule and examined it for himself. He mimicked Naminé's expressions until he was fully convinced that Naminé was right. His face morphed into a pout. "I only have one class with you this semester, other than homeroom."

My mood suddenly darkened some more. "You and Naminé have the same schedule?"

"Sort of. The only class we don't have is Anatomy."

"I have Art at that time," my twin happily chirped. The thought of those sharp scissors crossed through my mind. They were still beneath the bushes…

_I need to get them later…_

I snapped out of my thoughts, suddenly feeling older than I should be. I stood from my chair, their anxious stares burning a hole through me again. I hated it. But I was too tired to deal with the onslaught of emotions their gazes made me feel.

"I'm going to bed," I quietly announced. I had no energy to raise my voice. "Night."

Sora made a move to get up, but Naminé's hand grabbed hold of his arm.

"I need to talk to you for a second, please?" She added at his moment of hesitance.

Sora glanced from me to her, his eyes troubled and unsure. Her grip on his arm tightened, silencing any room for argument.

"Roxas-" he tried, but I ignored him and left the dining room. "Roxas!" I heard him sigh and addressed my sister.

I pressed my back against the wall that separated the living room from the kitchen area. I could hear every word even though they couldn't see me.

"He's going to take it the wrong way if I stay here too long."

"Sora," She began her voice oddly serious. "Please? This needs to be said."

"What's on your mind?"

"You don't have to do this."

"Do what?" I heard the sound of his voice harden as though he knew what she was implying, but refused to openly acknowledge it.

"This. You don't have to deal with this." My sister's voice rose in emphasis. It made my heart race. "We would understand if you wanted to leave, Sora. We really would. No one would blame you for it."

"I can't do that."

"Yes, you can-"

"No," he said, his voice stern. "I can't. I made a promise to protect him, even if I have to protect him from himself, I'm not leaving him. I love him too much to walk away."

There was a moment of silence, Sora's words hung heavily in the air. I wasn't sure what they were doing and I was tempted to peak over the side of the wall in order to find out, but I suppressed my curiosity. The silence didn't last too long, thankfully, as my sister's voice spoke up again.

"That is so romantic," She sighed, the thick tension completely destroyed. "You would be the greatest brother-in-law ever."

"Na-Naminé!"

"Sorry for being so serious, but I really needed to know where you stood."

I heard the movement of shifting chairs and dishes being placed into the sink. I took that moment to leave, my mind still buzzing with Sora's proclamation. The cloud of gloom lifted slightly from my shoulders, my heart a lit with warmth and joy. As long as I had Sora, I would be okay. My mind kept saying. _I would be okay._


	10. Chapter 10

Sleep came easy that night. I lost myself to the tranquil void, enjoying the overwhelming sense of serenity that encircled around me. I don't remember what my dreams were about, or if I had dreamt of anything. All I knew, or could know, was the fact that someone desperately wanted me to wake up.

"Roxas. Roxas!"

"I'll take care of this."

I fell back into peace now that the voices had subsided, but the solace was short lasting. Gravity began to shift and where the comfort of my sheets had been were stripped away to allow the cold air to seep into my flesh. Gravity pulled me to the side in a flash then- "Oof!" I had face full of hard, cold floor. I groaned, already feeling pain envelope around my face.

"That was really mean Cloud." I heard Sora say.

"He'll be late otherwise."

The bleary world refocused itself. I blinked several times until my eyes adjusted to the light and finally sat up on the hard floor, Sora and Cloud watched my every move. It was then I noticed Sora was dressed in the school uniform. I groaned again.

"Don't start with that again," Cloud complained. "You're not ten anymore. Get up and get moving."

_Oh yes, like being five years older was any different!_

"Well, breakfast is ready downstairs," Sora said in an attempt to ease the tension between the three of us. "Uhm, Cloud said it was your favorite."

My eyes narrowed at the thought and turned accusingly toward my brother. "You poisoned it didn't you?"

Cloud's lips formed a thin line, a gesture he only did when he tried to keep his agitation from showing.

"No," He nearly growled. "I'm saving that poison for Naminé's next boyfriend. Hurry up and get dressed. Leon is taking you guys to school."

 

School, the thought of it made me shiver and my stomach ache. It was less stressful now that Marluxia and Larxene were no longer in school, but the anxiety that surged through my veins warned me things would be different; different because I was used to Sora and our friends being with me. If they weren't there then who else would be?

The drive to school was a short one, it was almost unnecessary really, but Leon was there to keep an eye on us, or more specifically, to keep an eye on me. As if I really needed three people to watch me. Did they really think I would do something irrational the moment they looked away? Would I be stupid enough to take the first moment of freedom I got to my advantage?

I grimaced.

Yes, I was really that stupid.

Leon dropped us off a few yards away from the school the moment we spotted Riku and Kairi on the sidewalk.

"Alright, out of my car. Out. Out."

Naminé laughed and scooted out of the car with me on her heels.

"See you after school, Leon." Sora said, slamming the door behind him. "Tell Rinoa and Tifa I said hi!"

The three of us joined Riku and Kairi, the duo locked in another heated conversation. They ceased talking the moment they spotted us and plastered an awkward smile on their faces. Well, Kairi did. Riku just smirked.

"Its about time you three showed up." the third year began. "The first bell is about to ring."

"We would have been here sooner if Roxas weren't such a slow poke!" Naminé teased. "Where's everyone else?"

"The nurse's office. Hayner needed to give Nurse White something."

We followed the duo into the school grounds, the crowd of students less heavy now that the doors were open. Our lockers were still the same as last years, so we departed for the moment. Sora remained at my side, despite the fact his locker was at the other side of the school. Lucky for him, so was our new homeroom.

"Save me a seat." He said with a smile as he left for his locker, which was across the door to the class.

The moment I entered the classroom, I knew something was wrong. The unease I felt multiplied tenfold at the sight of the students who eyed me from head to toe with clouded emotions. Some of their expressions I could read plain as day. My classmates were disgusted; others completely indifferent but most were sympathetic, as though I were the most pitiful thing they have ever seen. I walked past them, ignoring what I could, but as I approached my friends, I heard the whispers.

"I heard he tried to kill himself over the summer."

"Jeez, what an attention whore."

"That's so sad. Any reason why?"

"It's because he's a fag. Too bad he didn't die."

"He's so selfish! He should think of how Sora feels!"

On and on they went, their whispers growing into a jumbled mess of accusation and lies. My heart raced with sorrow, anger and anxiety, but I did my best to keep the hurricane of emotions from showing on my face. It was harder to keep my mind tame.

_What do they know?_ The voice in my head screamed. _They understand nothing of the hell I've been through. They're ignorant little-_

"Good morning Roxas," Olette's voice sliced through my raging thoughts like a knife. "How are you?"

_Fan-fucking-tastic._ My mind spat, but my voice felt constricted. I gave her a shrug instead.

Her expression quickly changed into sympathy, unknowingly worsening my ever increasing rage.

"Well, we saved you and Sora a seat." She gestured to the seats that stood side by side.

Hayner occupied a seat behind one of the empty ones, his brown eyes narrowed angrily at me. Something colorful stole my attention from his gaze and realized it was his cast now decorated in a vast array of colors except for a spot by his wrist. I assumed that space was meant for me.

Beside his desk were Olette's new notebooks for the school year. Kairi sat in the same row as Hayner only a desk ahead of him. She beckoned me to sit behind her, which confused me. I thought she wanted to be as close to Sora as humanly possible?

I glanced over my shoulder and realized why Kairi would be in front of me instead of Sora. Naminé had claimed the seat. Pence's table, I had just noticed, was to the left of mine. He flashed me a laid back smile and just like Kairi, motioned for me to sit in the empty chair beside him.

I was surrounded by my friends on all sides. The thought warmed my heart, but also brought a fresh wave of guilt to mingle with the onslaught of emotions. I brushed the feelings away for another day. Now was not the time or place to deal with it.

Sora's presence snapped me out of my thoughts again. I took the seat behind Kairi, still ignoring the daggers Hayner shot into my back. He kicked my chair to prove a point, but the action earned him a death glare showdown from Naminé, Olette and Sora. He didn't back down.

"You can't stop me from picking on Roxas! He owes me sea-salt ice cream for a month." He turned his heated eyes toward me as though he dared me to challenge him. "Starting tomorrow, you buy me ice cream."

Olette scoffed at the demand. "You'll make yourself sick with all those ice creams."

Hayner stuck his tongue out at her, not at all troubled by the thought.

Kairi shook her head, an amused smile gracing her lips. "I'm going to miss having classes with everyone this semester," she sighed.

She leaned sideways into my desk so that her elbow found a semi comfortable perch. She rested her cheek against her palm; her dazzling red hair flowed down her pale arm like a delicate waterfall of blood… I shook my head slightly from the thought. She watched me from beneath her dark lashes, her violet-blue eyes oddly bright. Or maybe that was the light of the classroom?

"I hear you have first period History with Mr. Thatch again. I have him too."

"I have him last period." Hayner grumbled, clearly annoyed. "I'm going to fall asleep in his class again."

"Not with me you aren't." Olette protested. "And we're going to study for his exams too. You almost failed last year!"

The boy groaned at the thought of studying, which only made Olette lecture him some more. Kairi took the momentary distraction to lean closer to me, her face barely an inch away.

"We need to talk later, okay?" she spoke beside my ear, her voice barely audible over the chaos of the class. I gave her a nod as she pulled away and spun back around in her chair.

I glanced to my right, noticing Sora's curious gaze. I replied with a shrug because really, I have no idea what Kairi wanted to talk about or why she felt the need to tell me we had the same first period class together. At the last sound of the late bell, our homeroom teacher walked in for attendance.

 

The rest of the day went the same as homeroom. Most of my classes were filled with whispers of my exploits over the summer and accusatory glares.

In History II, Mr. Thatch had a hard time keeping everyone's attention on the syllabus as they thought I was the most interesting person in the world. Kairi proved herself as a great distraction thanks to her constant texting even though it was pointless since we sat right next to each other. Anything she had to say, she could have said it there.

It was the same thing in Algebra II. More whispers, more stares and more texts to distract me.

It wasn't until gym came around did the staring finally stop, but I couldn't say the same for the whispers. At least we were spread around the bleachers so that I didn't have to hear what nonsense they came up with. Kairi and I sat on the bleachers together as the rest of our class filed into the gym. I spotted Riku on the other side of the gym looking bored out of his mind. Kairi must have spotted him too because she made an ungraceful snort then laughed.

"Looks like we have the same period gym," she smiled, though it was short lived. "How are you feeling Roxas?" She asked her expression now solemn and distant.

I shrugged, unsure of what to say. Telling her the truth would only irritate her and lying would only make the situation worse. My silence was the only neutral answer I could think of.

But neutrality was not what she wanted.

"Please tell me. I need to know."

"What for? It's not like it matters." The words escaped me before I could stop them.

Kairi stared at me with narrowed eyes. "It does matter. Everything matters. You almost died on that hospital bed." She dropped her voice so that the surrounding students couldn't over hear our conversation. "You have no idea how torn up we were in those days, especially Sora." She sighed heavily, her eyes glassy from the memories. "I've never seen him love someone so much until then." She turned her gaze back to me, her eyes still bright with tears. "Please, don't hurt him anymore. Don't hurt yourself."

"What's with this serious atmosphere?" Riku appeared before us with an eyebrow raised.

Kairi quickly blinked the tears away, her expression now a disgruntled pout.

"Riku! Don't sneak up on us like that!" She cried, slapping him on the arm.

"Why not? You are my girlfriend and Roxas is…" He paused. "No one cares about what Roxas is."

I sent him a death glare, thoroughly annoyed.

Kairi shook her head. "Don't worry about it. We were just talking about unimportant stuff."

"Right." Riku's eyes gave away what he felt. He was unconvinced with Kairi's explanation and troubled with the fact that she had to lie.

I suppressed the sneer that wanted to worm its way onto my lips. _Sucks for you, Riku._

 

After gym was lunch with Kairi and Riku. They were the only ones with my same lunch period and for some reason, the thought depressed me. During the transition between classes, I caught sight of Sora and the others. They were laughing about something-most likely at Hayner's expense judging by the embarrassed look on his face. Pence patted him on the back though he couldn't hold back his laughter. Sora had a hard time keeping on his feet, he was laughing so hard. Naminé and Olette giggled behind the boys, their eyes so bright and joyous. They looked like they were having fun, like how a group of teenagers should be doing.

Anger and desire burned its way through my veins for the umpteenth time, but I forced it down with all the will power I could, like I always did.

Riku left to join them in a matter of seconds. He assimilated into the group so quickly it was almost astonishing how easy it was for him to fit in with any group that came his way. He had joined in their laughter the moment Sora spotted him and explained the joke. Now he looked like the rest of them, so carefree and happy; so innocent; so naïve.

Envy wrapped her sharp claws around my heart again.

Kairi's presence fell into view of my peripheral vision and I turned to her, my eyes venomous. She was taken aback by their intensity, but she quickly recovered, her own eyes sharp with determination.

"If it bothers you so much you should say something."

"Oh that's a good idea. Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah-because it's stupid!" I spat, my fists clenched tight. "What would I say? 'Hey guys, can you stop being happy for once so I don't have to hate you?' Genius, Kairi. Genius."

Her pretty little face screwed up into a frown, her glossy lips slightly pouty. "Sarcastic much?" she huffed. "A simple 'don't be silly' would have sufficed."

I turned away from her, too angry to deal with her crap and too hungry to give a damn. I heard her footsteps fall into step behind me, the rush of wandering students now thin enough to hear the distant chatter of the lunchroom. I glanced over my shoulder to look at her. She playfully stuck out her tongue at me the moment she met my eyes. I looked further behind her, seeing no one else on our trail. It bothered me that Sora didn't notice we were leaving.

 

To say Riku was pissed with our disappearing act was an understatement. He was infuriated that we left him behind and he was even more so when he found us eating lunch together underneath the tree Cloud and his friends used to sit under. The two of us ended up fighting about stupid things and before Kairi knew it, we were about ready to let the fists fly until the lunch bell rang. We departed from the third year for English in a flash-only because Kairi had literally dragged me away.

I pulled my arm out of her grasp the moment we were out of Riku's sight and cried, "I could have taken him on you know! I'm not weak!"

She whipped around, her wine red hair brushing her shoulders like a curtain. She gave me a stern glare; it was the same expression Cloud gave me every day of my life.

"Getting expelled on your first day of school is stupid."

My eyes narrowed. It was that word again. I was really starting to hate it.

She shook her head, already giving up on the argument she knew she couldn't win. She grabbed my right arm again, this time a lot more gently, and pulled me the rest of the way to English.

 

English II was like the rest of my classes: long, irritating and torturous. My patience was dangerously thin; my rage too close to the surface. I couldn't keep my face from showing the fire that ate at me from the inside. Kairi's texting could only keep me occupied for so long. It reached the point where it almost became annoying, having that stupid machine constantly vibrate. And for what? To tell me how boring the class was? To tell me to ignore what everyone was saying behind my back?

I stole a glance at the cell phone still on my lap, Kairi's last message still in view.

_did sora text u?_

I clenched my jaw. It was another thing I noticed; Sora hadn't bothered to text me at all today. Neither did anyone else. It seemed that only Kairi cared enough to keep in touch even though we were together for most of the day. Hell, even Riku cared enough to text me a threatening message after lunch was over, to which I replied with a nice virtual fuck you.

But what about the rest of them?

Logic tried to reason with me. _It's the first day of school. He doesn't want to get in trouble with the teachers. He's just busy._

_Busy with what? Having fun with his friends?_ The rage boiled through my veins at the thought. _Oh yes, "busy". Busy. Busy. Busy. Everyone's busy. It's so easy for him to act so oblivious._

I wish I could be like him, so happy, carefree, naive, and open. But no. He's Sora and I'm Roxas. He's like the Sun, so bright, so warm; a bright light in the void of darkness. Too bright, too hot. His gravitational pull is too strong. Everyone is his friend. Everyone.

And then there I am, the moon, a silly little satellite rotating with the Earth. I'm too cold, too distant from the sun. I have no light to brighten the dark. My pull is weak, insubstantial; I have no friends.

He's talented at everything.

_I failed at killing myself._

I tore myself away from the dark thoughts, the memories of the last few days of summer crept within the forefront of my mind. Falling off the roof was an accident. I hadn't meant for it to happen, I slipped. I really did, but what did it matter now? Because of it, I lost my freedom. My solitude, my peace, my forks and my knives; I was a four year old again. The medicine cabinet was gone. The silverware was plastic. My cups were plastic. My plates were plastic. My door had no lock. My windows wouldn't open. My roof was inaccessible.

I was trapped in my own home.

I was trapped in my own school.

I was trapped in this life and my only sanctuary from this hell was on the other side of the school, enjoying life without me.

_The hypocrite._

I snapped out of my thoughts, uneasy with myself. I wrote a late reply to Kairi's text the moment she spammed me another "are you okay?" text. I watched the message load, my mind suddenly clouded and empty.

_I shouldn't have called him a hypocrite._

 

Kairi left my side for the first time since the day started for her double food period with Pence. Her absence brought a twinge of sadness into me, but the anger that kept me company since lunch and the new bout of paranoia from English served as companions for the time being. I was the first to arrive to Anatomy and picked the lab table closest to the door. A quick exit was what I really wanted.

A few seconds into the transition, Sora finally made his appearance, followed by an annoyed looking third year. I had to raise an eyebrow in surprise. Since when did Riku have to take Anatomy?

"She's doing this on purpose, I know it," the silveret complained. They stood just outside of the doorway, allowing the flow of classmates to pass them by as they conversed. They had yet to see me. "She deliberately ignored all my texts and when I asked Roxas if she was ignoring me, he cursed me out."

The brunet chuckled at the thought. "He would only curse you out if you started it."

"That's irrelevant." Riku scowled, his eyes portraying the guilt he felt for being caught. "My point is: it's only the first day of school and she's already too close to Roxas for my liking. It's bad enough they have most of their classes together-"

"Huh? They do? I thought they just had History and Gym together?"

Riku snorted, muttering something that sounded like "I wish" under his breath. "Kairi said during Gym that she's with Roxas throughout the day except for seventh and eighth period." Riku finally turned to the classroom, the rest of the discussion now lost the moment he caught me watching them with dull eyes.

"Fuck," I heard him murmur. Sora looked just as guilty as he felt. "How much of that did you hear?"

I gave them an impassive shrug, though I couldn't hide the displeasure I felt from showing in my eyes. Sora tried to assuage the tension with a bright, irresistible smile. He took the empty seat right next to mine-Riku sat across from him-and asked me how my day had been so far. I gave him a terribly sarcastic smile.

"It's been really great, just fanfuckingtastic, you know? Everybody knows me this year! Isn't that great? It's just totally fucking awesome!" I snarled, slamming my fist on top of the lab table in a moment of rage."But don't worry about me; Kairi did a great job babysitting. I guess it's your turn now, huh? So tell me Sor, how was your day?"

Sora's cheery smile fell off his face faster than I could blink throughout my passive-aggressive rant. The sudden quickness brought forth another wave of guilt and shame for my collection of negative emotions. His blue eyes quickly swam with worry, the light of carefree joy extinguished for the day.

There it was again, that wretched face; the face he seemed to have preserved for me; the face that didn't exist last summer.

The face I gave to him.

Sympathy, worry, fear and sadness all meshed into one beautiful face.

_Just kill me now._

"Sorry," I muttered, looking away from the both of them. "I shouldn't take out my anger on you."

Riku snorted. "But it's fine if you pick a fight with me?"

"Riku-" Sora tried, but I interjected with a retort of my own. "It's not my fault you deserve to be punched every once in a while."

The third year's green eyes narrowed threateningly. The muscles in his body tensed as though he were ready for a fight to break out right here and now. It was Lunch time all over again, except now it was Sora who was about to witness what half a day's worth of pent of aggression looked like.

Before any of us got the chance to do anything, the late bell had wrung and along with it came our science teacher for the year. Riku settled back in his stool, content to save our fight for another day.

 

Anatomy went on in silence with the occasional glance and whispers from the surrounding students. Sora tried to keep the peace between us; he kept the conversation away from the topic he wanted the most to speak about, for my sake I guess.

Because Anatomy was a double period, we were actually given labs to work on during the second half of class. It was pretty basic work, not that I minded. It mostly involved asking questions on what we knew about the human body and what we were looking forward to the most about the class. Afterwards, we spent the last five minutes of class coloring the body parts we knew.

Before I knew it, class was over, along with school for another day. We packed up what little we had from our lockers and regrouped just outside the school.

"Tomorrow is Friday, what are we doing after school?" Pence asked the moment we were all together.

"Roxas owes me ice cream," Hayner stated as a reminder. He turned his sharp eyes in my direction. "Don't forget."

"Yeah, yeah," I waved him away, still not in the mood for any social interaction, let alone talk about the apology ice cream deal Hayner was so insistent on doing.

Kairi suddenly sighed. "Still moody I see." She placed her hands on her hips, ignoring the suspicious stare Riku gave her. "Honestly, what's so hard with saying what's on your mind?"

_Everything._ My thoughts answered, yet my only reply to her was an aggravated eye roll. She mimicked my same gesture, obviously annoyed with my attitude. The air between us oddly thickened and I wasn't sure why. Kairi didn't seem to notice it. In fact, she appeared to be quite enthralled with our little exchange. Everyone else, on the other hand was a different story.

Hayner seemed uncomfortable. He had somehow drifted back to Olette's side, his attention focused on the students that exited the school. Pence looked more disappointed than uncomfortable. Actually, he looked quite annoyed if it were possible.

Olette and Naminé appeared to be angry, just like Riku and-

I did a double take.

Is Sora angry?

Granted it wasn't impossible just…rare. And yet, here we stood, under the bright shine of twilight, all eyes bearing daggers in Kairi's and my direction as though the two of us were committing crimes against humanity. Sora's blue eyes were angry, maybe not entirely angry, it was more like annoyance? Something was bothering him, but what specifically? HIs eyes weren't focused on me per say, they were focused on Kairi. It was then I realized everyone had their eyes on her too.

"Oh, my mom is here. I'll see you tomorrow." Kairi gently touched the bandages on my left arm as a form of goodbye. She bid the other's farewell, barely noticing the tension that radiated from them and hurried to her mother's car. The moment she was gone, Olette and Naminé approached me.

"What was all that about, onii-chan?"

"I can't believe she would do something like that again." Olette complained, her green eyes focused on the distant car.

"I feel sorry for you two." Hayner said to Sora and Riku.

Riku gave the blonde a dangerous stare, which made him retreat behind Pence for protection. Sora released a sigh that boarded on frustration and exhaustion.

Leon's car came into view before the rest of us could carry on the topic. Naminé climbed into the passenger seat, happily greeting Leon and waving the others goodbye. Sora slid into the seat beside me, his annoyance still radiating off his body.

"We have to talk later," he murmured once the door was closed and Leon was thoroughly distracted with Naminé's tale of the first day of school.

Yep, definitely angry.

"If it's about what happened in Anatomy-"

"Later, Roxas," he practically commanded.

I felt my eyes grow wide in shock, though he avoided my gaze entirely and felt content in staring out the window.

Did Sora just give me attitude?

Against my will, my jaw clenched shut, preventing my own temper from clashing with Sora's. We sat in silence the rest of the ride home, neither one of us daring to glance at the other.


	11. Chapter 11

Dinner was a silent affair that night. I wasn't in the mood to go into detail about how my day had been no matter how hard my family tried to pry it from me. Sora had enough sense to not bother with it, but the way his eyes watched me as I ate dinner gave way the curiosity he held. He would ask me once the house was asleep, I just knew it.

There was no use trying to avoid it, no matter how much I wished to. A curious Sora was almost as bad as an angry Sora. He was stubborn and persistent, even if I tried to avoid the question, he wouldn't let it go. So I decided to make his life easier and waited for him at the edge of my bed once dinner had finished and the dishes were washed. He walked in not a minute later, his blue eyes filled with solemn determination. I hated that look in his eyes; it never meant anything good-especially when it concerned me.

He took his place on top of his sleeping bag and folded his legs so he sat Indian style with his hands perched on his knees. We continued to eye the other, neither one of us wanting to start the unavoidable conversation. The seconds began to tick away then the minutes and still we refused to say a word. That is, until the brunet finally released a tired sigh.

"OK, I'll start first," he said, his expression now soft despite the tone of his voice. "How was your day?"

I resisted the snort that wanted to escape my throat and crossed my arms so that my nails latched onto my skin. The image of my scissors flashed through my mind once more.

"Why don't you ask something that isn't so stupid?"

His face contorted into a frown. "That bad, huh?"

I felt my nails bite into my skin on their own accord as the day's events replayed in my mind. "Stupid question times two."

Silence befell us once more, this time longer than before. I kept my eyes focused on my feet, my temper growing feral by the second. I could feel his eyes on me, watching me, concerned for me. It didn't take a genius to know why he was watching me. Digging your nails into your skin wasn't exactly the smartest thing to do when everyone thought you were suicidal.

"This isn't what you wanted to talk about, is it Sora?" I began once the silence became too much. "If it's about anatomy I already said I was sorry. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

He finally broke away from his intent staring in favor of playing with a loose thread on his pillow.

"It's not about that," he muttered.

I raised a curious eyebrow. "There's something else?"

I watched him as he wrapped the thread around his finger and gave it a few tugs before it finally snapped from the pillow. His expression formed into a pout, though I wasn't sure if it was because of the thread or his thoughts.

"It's about Kairi." He admitted; his eyes still focused on the thread.

"What about her?" I thought back to this morning and all the texts she spammed me throughout class. I couldn't help but grimace. I really need to get around to deleting them before someone read it.

"Don't take this the wrong way but…" he trailed off, his face scrunched up as though he were struggling with his confession. And perhaps he was having trouble. Kairi was one of his best friends after all; he couldn't say anything that would sully her reputation even if it was the truth. As he continued his internal battle for the right words, I heard the loud chime of my cell phone go off in my discarded uniform pants. I traversed across the room, pulled out the phone and climbed back on my bed, this time crossing my legs like Sora. He watched me curiously; his miniature internal battle paused for the moment. I ignored his gaze and clicked on the message. It was from Kairi.

hey : ) how r u?

My eyes trailed back to Sora, who continued to watch me inquisitively.

"Who's that?" He asked.

My lips moved before I could help myself. "Kairi."

His mouth formed into a thin line, though his eyes remained curious. "What did she say?"

I watched him carefully for a moment. Could it be possible? I mean-it wasn't impossible, but… could this be what I think it is? Sora wasn't one to be possessive, or at least, he never gave me the impression he could be, but was he acting like this because he was jealous? It was too good to be true. Sora being jealous? Really? Was he jealous of me because I got to spend so much time with Kairi or was he jealous of Kairi because she got to spend so much time with me?

"Why should I tell you what she said if she's the one texting me?"

My thumb moved over the screen as I replied to her message. I glanced up at Sora afterwards, his expression sullen.

"You're not going to tell me?"

"I don't see why is should." The corners of my mouth suddenly twitched upward. "Unless you give me a good reason to."

There was only one reason I wanted to hear, whether or not that was the reason was up to Sora.

His expression morphed again and he was back to being torn between himself. He fiddled with the thread again until the string snapped between his fingers a second time. He sighed.

"I know you think I'm slow, and maybe I am, but I'm not blind." He raised his vivid blue eyes toward me, their usual spark now burning with gravity. "I'm happy that you and Kairi are getting along, but…"

"But?" I urged him on, an eyebrow raised. I tried to ignore my racing heart and the anticipation that suddenly coursed through my veins.

Just say it, just say it, just say it-

"…but don't forget that you're my boyfriend, OK?" He tore his burning eyes away from mine and fixated his stare on something on the floor. "It's not fair that she can touch you like that when I can't," he muttered like a dejected child denied of something sweet. "And worst of all, it's like you don't even-" the rest of his voice died in his throat the moment my lips crashed into his.

I hadn't even noticed I jumped off my bed or that I managed to reach him as quickly as I did. My mind fell blank the instant his words left his lips and instinct took over. We fell on top of his sleeping bag, his head just barely missing the hard wooden floor thanks to a discarded pillow. He wrapped his arms around me as our lips moved in a rhythm only we knew. The world around us slowly gave way to nothing; it was just him and me, two souls in one world. Nothing mattered but him and me.

"Hey does-" Crash! Something porcelain shattered against the floor, sending a thousand pieces into the air and making the two of us jump apart in seconds. I fell back onto my bottom, my heart hammering against my chest. It only worsened when I realized who it was that stood by the door.

"Don't mind me. Go on, continue," my brother's blue-green eyes narrowed dangerously, as though he were daring us to continue. I scooted further away from Sora, who sat up on the sleeping bag and had enough audacity to look embarrassed in front of my brother.

It was the biggest mistake he could make.

"I knew letting you two share a room was a big mistake. What did you think you were doing?" His voice rose in volume as he finished, his temper barely controlled. "Explain yourself, now!"

"It was nothing!" I managed before Sora could open his mouth. "I, uh, I slipped."

"On top of Sora?" Cloud asked dully.

"He caught me." I replied.

My brother's face grew unimpressed. "With his mouth?"

I quickly fell silent, having nothing else to defend our claim of innocence.

"Cloud-" Sora tried, but Cloud interrupted him with a wave of his hand.

"I don't want to hear it. Pack up your things and sleep in my room."

Sora clamped his mouth shut and climbed to his feet. As he began to gather his things, Cloud turned his stern gaze to me, his anger still evident but not as fiery as before.

"Save it," I grumbled, turning away from my brother's gaze. "I don't want to hear your lecture."

My brother crossed his arms and said, "Fine. I'll save it for another day. If you have homework to do, I suggest you do it now." With that, he stormed into the hall in search for a broom for the shattered plates and crumbled cookies that littered the floor.

 

Sharing a room with my brother made me feel like a little boy again. It brought me back to a time when my mom was still in training to be a nurse and the only thing Naminé and I had for entertainment was playing hide and seek with ourselves in the one bedroom apartment we once occupied. They weren't pleasant memories and Cloud's presence in my room made it more tangible than ever before. I was reminded once again of how trapped my life had become.

 

School that following morning hadn't been any better than yesterday. We met up with everyone just outside the doors and dispersed for our lockers with the promise of meeting in homeroom. Sora waited by my locker, eating a honey bun he had bought from the cafeteria. It was hard to keep focus on what I was doing when your back felt like people were burning holes into it with their eyes. It didn't help if their whispers sounded more like casual chatter rather than them trying to keep a secret. I can't say I didn't know what brought on the change, because then I would be lying. I knew what they were talking about, but even then I just wished they'd keep their comments to themselves.

Today was the day I revealed what those scissors had done to my arm and the reception it was getting was not a very pleasant one.

"I can't believe they're still together. How can Sora stay with him?"

"That's so sad. Love really does conquer all, huh?"

"Ugh, he's still here. I can't believe they even allow people like him in school. Let's hope he doesn't snap one day and get us all killed."

"I know right?"

"Ew, look at his arm. Is that really what it looks like? Gross!"

The book I pulled out from my book bag fell into the locker with a loud thunk just as the last "whisper" walked past by us. My right hand clutched onto the locker door so tight, my knuckles grew paler than their natural color. I chose to remove the bandages because it was easier to wash my hands without the itchy, uncomfortable cloth rubbing against the wounds. The slashes that littered my skin were no longer painful or an angry red as they had been the day they were created. They were dull in color; the ones too light on the skin no longer there and those too deep now covered in scar tissue. It wasn't a pretty sight to behold, but it was nothing compared to the atrocity etched on my backside.

I tore my eyes away from the disaster only to find Sora watching me with a troubled look.

"Don't start," I grumbled, my temper rising. I grabbed the remainder of my books and closed my locker door with more force than was necessary. "Let's just have a good day, OK?"

He reached out for my left hand, his fingers intertwining with my scarred ones. "OK." he smiled.

 

Surprisingly, Friday morning turned out to be a better day than the previous. The judgmental stares from the student body didn't get any better, but they were easier to ignore than the whispers. Luckily, their hushed tones were beginning to subside as the thought of the weekend sank into everyone's minds.

Why bother with idle gossip when tomorrow was Saturday? Speaking of Saturday…

"Are you and Sora planning on doing anything tomorrow?" Kairi asked.

She took her place beside me on the bleachers, her team having lost a volleyball game against the seniors. We turned our gaze towards Riku's team-as a show of support rather than actual interest. We already knew his team would win anyway.

"I don't think so. He didn't say anything about it." I shrugged.

Kairi's brows knit together in concern. "Oh. I wonder if it's because of that?"

I snapped my gaze toward her. "That? What that?" I frowned.

I watched her violet-blue eyes shift from concern and curiosity to concern and turmoil. She nibbled on her bottom lip as she thought. She looked almost as torn as Sora did yesterday. Unfortunately for her, I wasn't having it.

"Spit it out Kairi! What do you know?" I snapped.

My small outburst caught the attention of some of my teammates, but I chose to ignore them like I did everyone else. Kairi quickly withdrew from her inner struggle and narrowed her pretty little eyes at me, anger blazing within them.

"Don't give me an attitude Roxas! I'm trying to be considerate of your feelings."

Her words were meant to be kind, but somehow, it infuriated me.

"Don't give me that crap, Kairi. I'm not some stupid thing that would break at the slightest touch." I growled, trying my best to keep my voice even, though I was failing miserably. I gave her the most fearsome glare I could muster and watched as her anger deflated in seconds.

"OK, I'm sorry," She said with a sigh. She reached for my left hand and held it within her warm, small hands. "It's just that, after what happened, none of us want to make you reach that point again. We're all a little uneasy and I'm sorry if it's making you angry, but can you really blame us?"

I rolled my eyes in response, mostly because I knew she was right.

"Anyway, I asked if you were doing anything on Saturday because-" her glossy lips suddenly split into a wide grin. "-I want to go shopping!" her eyes sparkled in a way I had never seen before. "It'll be fun!" she added at the first sign of my hesitance.

"Fun? Wait, why are you even asking me? What about Olette or Naminé? Or Slephie or Riku?"

Kairi released my hand from her grip in favor of raising four fingers in the air. "Naminé said she, Hayner and Pence already had plans this Saturday, so they'll be at the Usual Spot doing whatever." She checked off one finger. "Olette already made plans with Sora." She checked off another finger. "Selphie stopped hanging out with us ages ago-"

I suddenly frowned. "Why? She's been best friends with Naminé since forever."

"I know," The red head rolled her eyes in disdain. The topic obviously annoyed her. "But she didn't want to deal with it."

She didn't need to elaborate in order for me to know what she meant by "it." Selphie gave up years of friendship with my sister because of me. It wasn't a selfish thought based on assumption alone. I had seen the way she looked at me during the few times we all managed to hang out during the summer. Her sudden disappearance near the end of the summer and her blatant lack of interest for my sister now, only confirmed what we all suspected. Selphie didn't want to be friends with Naminé if it meant she had to deal with someone as unstable as me. I honestly couldn't blame her, but that didn't mean I couldn't hate her for it.

How easy it must be to walk away from someone like me and not have to look back with regret.

Kairi shook her head, her expression tight with displeasure. "Anyway, Riku can't come because he'll be with Sora and Olette. You know how it is. Wherever Sora is-"

"Riku would be there too," I finished with another roll of my eyes. "Like a dog following his owner."

She giggled, playfully smacking my arm at the mental image I gave her. She scooted closer to me so that her fingers brushed against my left hand.

"So come on, come shopping with me, please? It'll be fun, I promise!"

I groaned at the thought, but couldn't find any excuse to get me out of it, especially since I would be the only one without any plans to do on a Saturday. Cloud wouldn't leave me alone in the house anyway, so not having any plans on a Saturday was no longer my choice to make. If I refused to go, Cloud would take me somewhere of his choosing. Crap.

So, with a defeated sigh, a chose the lesser of two evils and reluctantly agreed to go shopping with Kairi tomorrow. She squealed in delight and wrapped her arms around me in a bone crushing hug. From the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Riku watching us from the gym floor and gave him the most smug smirk I could muster.

If looks could kill, I would be dead three times over.

 

The thought of Sora making plans without me knowing followed me hours after Kairi was no longer at my side. Anatomy was slightly more productive than yesterday's class, so I hadn't gotten the chance to ask him about his Saturday plans. Thankfully, an opportune moment came up in the form of a lab period.

Riku and I reached the table first. He sat across from me, his green eyes blazing with an unspoken promise of murder. To test the waters, I gave him a somewhat friendly, somewhat devious smirk and watched, with great satisfaction, at a muscle in his jaw clench.

Yep, Riku definitely wanted to kill me.

Sora appeared by my side seconds later.

"Kairi told me you're going to help her shop tomorrow," he said, much to my surprise. He gave me a sympathetic look and reached for my hands. "I'm so sorry."

I furrowed my brows, thoroughly confused. Sora's sympathetic expression worsened at my confusion and Riku-well, that bastard was actually snickering.

"Oh, I get it," He suddenly smirked, pleased with himself. "So that's how it is. She convinced you to go shopping with her. Heh, good job."

"Is anyone going to bother to fill me in or am I just going to be left in the dark?" I grumbled, annoyed with their looks. "She said you two made plans with Olette."

Sora and Riku exchanged expressions for a moment. "We lied," the senior admitted. "Kairi asked me to go shopping with her this morning and I told her I already made plans with Sora."

The brunet in question nodded in agreement. "And when she asked us, we both panicked and lied on the spot."

Something akin to anger bubbled in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't sure if it was because my friends had the audacity to lie to Kairi the way they did or because they had the capability of doing so in the first place. Was I angry because I was the last person Kairi came to despite our numerous classes together or because Sora hadn't lied for me too? Whatever the reason, it didn't matter because now I was angry and I had no way of removing it.

I closed my eyes and released the air encased in my lungs. Getting angry would do me no good, but what else could I have done? We dropped the conversation, though I wasn't sure if it was for my sake or theirs. The rest of the period went on without a hitch. Sora and Riku managed to keep themselves occupied with the lab work while I sat in my chair staring down at the words that were meant to mean something but failed to reach my brain. I couldn't help but think of Kairi.

It was a mistake to do so. The thought of her only brought back the memory of their lies and once again, the fury that wanted to unleash itself gnawed achingly against the surface of my skin. It wasn't something I could ignore with a simple change of thought. It was too powerful, too overwhelming; I needed an outlet and I needed it fast. But what? What could I possibly do that would ease the monster inside me?

My eyes roamed my scared fingers, the memory of my lash out with the mirror flashed through my mind.

It was a stupid question. I had an outlet and I had access to it, but how to get away with it?

My gaze wandered back to the paperwork in a futile hope that maybe something would click in my brain and make sense of what we were supposed to do, but as I expected, it didn't click. Nothing made sense. So I gave up trying.

I threw my hand into the air before the plan materialized in my head. I wasn't sure on what I was planning on doing, only that I needed an outlet and despite the fact that I didn't have anything sharp anywhere on my person, I had to make do with the next best thing.

"Yes, Mr. Uchiyama? Do you have a question about the assignment?"

"No. I need to go to the bathroom."

Riku and Sora tore their eyes away from their worksheets. From the corner of my eye, I watched them exchange unreadable expressions before they brought their gaze back to me. I made sure to keep my face impassive, I didn't need them catching me in the act like last time.

Our Anatomy teacher pursed her lips together as if contemplating whether or not she should allow me to go. I watched her gaze shift toward the clock that hung over the classroom door then return back to me, her expression strangely disapproving. I watched, with mild disgust and burning rage as her beady little eyes slowly focused on my scarred arm. Her lips curled into something that resembled disgust while her eyes hardened in a way that made the monster within me want to scream.

She tore her scrutinizing eyes away from my arm and turned away from me with such abruptness that I hadn't noticed I was staring at her back until then.

"I'm sorry Mr. Uchiyama. I can't let you go." Her tone was stern, almost like how Cloud sounded when he was trying to enact a will of authority over me. It only fueled my anger.

"Why?" The word slipped out of my mouth before my brain could register it. It was also loud and brought most of the class to attention. The air around us grew thick with tension, as though the students were expecting something to occur. It wasn't my intention to give them a show, I just wanted to use the bathroom.

"Excuse me?" She asked, turning her gaze back toward me, though I didn't miss the flicker they did in-between my arm and face. The corners of her lips twitched like she were trying her best to hide the disgust that wanted so badly to escape, but she didn't need to hide it. I could see through her fucking facade.

My fingers curled into a fist.

"Do you have a problem with me Mrs. Miller? Because if you do, you might as well excuse me from class. I don't need to sit here and watch you judge me because you're like every other fucking person in this god forsaken school!"

There were a few collective gasps that rang throughout the class. Some students seemed to lean closer into the conversation, as though this were the most exciting thing they'd seen all year. Others, tried to keep a low profile. They tried to act like they weren't listening, but I knew they were just as interested in what would happen as everyone else. Sora and Riku had stiffened, their expressions frozen in what I expected would be shocked.

Mrs. Miller, on the other hand, dropped her facade and showed her true face. She was disgusted with the scars that littered my arm, disgusted with my attempted deed over the summer. She didn't know the full story; she couldn't possibly understand, and yet, here she stood, so tall and proud as though she thought she were better than me because she didn't have scars that marred her skin. She didn't have constant reminders of the past haunting her at every waking turn.

She thought I was weak.

She thought I was selfish.

How could she possibly understand?

And then she opened her god forsaken mouth, "Mr. Uchiyama, I will not tolerate such inappropriate language in my classroom." She narrowed her beady little eyes at me, her skin turning a shade of red. "I will not excuse you from class just so you can run off to the bathroom and cut yourself to death. I will not enable such a heinous, disgusting act take place during school hours. If you so desire to mutilate your body, do it in your own home on your own time! And might I suggest, the next time you feel the inclination to get attention that you pick a hobby less self-destructive? Not only would you gain respect from your fellow peers, but you might also gain a few more friends than the ones you currently have. Now if you don't mind, sit there and be silent!"

The silence that permeated the room was so heavy, a pin could drop and sound like an explosion.

There were no more whispers, no rustling of paper, no shifting of seats. Everyone sat frozen, their countless eyes focused between her and I, their mouths agape. Shock. That was the only word that described the heavy stillness within the classroom.

Shock and sorrow, because her words had stung harsher than all the students combined.

I returned my attention back to the sheet of paper, my mind blank, my body still. I didn't even want to breathe. Sora tried to place a comforting hand against my shoulder, but his touch was uncomfortable against my headed skin. I shook him off.

He didn't try to comfort me again.

 

Dinner that night was worse than yesterday. After Anatomy had let out for the day, the excited whispers from the students who had bare witnessed the horrid event spread like wildfire throughout the school. I was extremely relieved when I managed to gather my things before all eyes could focus back on me and by the time the whole student body knew about my verbal smack down with Mrs. Miller, I was already waiting in Leon's car for the others. Sora and Naminé made no mention of what occurred, even though I knew they wanted to say something. It was obvious with the way my twin kept biting her bottom lip.

Now, here we were again, awkwardly sitting in the kitchen in half-silence. Naminé kept alternating her gaze between me and her meal, the curiosity evident in her eyes. It ate at her. She wanted to know, but resisted asking. It was the first time I saw my sister struggle with her desire of wanting to know and my desire for peace. For once, I was grateful that she wasn't bombarding me with questions.

When the silence became too suspicious, Sora and Naminé tried their best to pretend like nothing was wrong. They tried to chat up a storm while Cloud and Leon mindlessly nodded their heads as though they were listening when it was obvious the two of them were lost in their thoughts. Occasionally, my brother would catch onto my eerie silence and toss a question on how my day had been today, but Sora and Naminé would distract them with questions of their own. They were trying to give me peace, it was too bad my cell phone didn't understand the meaning of the word.

It'd been going off the hook since the others got wind of the story. It got to the point that hearing its' chime grew irritating, so I silenced the phone and ignored every vibrate that coursed against my thigh. Kairi's text, on the other hand, had caught my attention.

_heard about wat mrs miller said. im sorry u had 2 go thru that : ( if u dont wanna meet up 2morrow i would understand_

My thumb flew over the letters without hesitation: _It's not your fault. I had it coming, I guess. Let's meet up at tram commons at 10._

_in the morning?!_ She replied.

I grinned, imagining her startled expression in my mind's eye. It was at times like this I welcomed Kairi's distractions.

_Is that too early for you?_

Her reply was instantaneous: _is that a challenge? lets make it 8! c u there roxy~_

I released a lighthearted sigh, a sigh smile gracing my lips. Waking up at eight in the morning just to go shopping wasn't exactly the best way to spend one's Saturday, but after the hell I went through today, I think the distraction would do be wonders. Besides, I was going to spend the day with Kairi Uchida.

That was a first.


	12. Chapter 12

Waking up at 7 in the morning was not something I wanted to do on a Saturday. Waking up at 7 in the morning with only four hours of sleep under my belt was more reason to be cranky-and for shopping! Who goes shopping so early?!

"Don't give me that look," Kairi chided the moment we caught a bus for the mall. "You challenged me, Roxy. You should know better than to challenge me when it comes to shopping."

I grumbled an obscenity under my breath, which earned me a very nasty glare from the red head.

"Speaking of shopping, why did you ask me to come? Guys don't like shopping, especially guys like me."

"I know," she muttered with a roll of her eyes. "Riku tells me that every time I ask him, but I have a confession to make. We're not going shopping."

"We're not?"

"Nope," She smiled. "I'm not going to subject you to that torture. I'll save that kind of thing for Riku. So instead, we're going to go somewhere fun."

"And that would be…?" I tried, but Kairi's playful smile remained in place. She wasn't planning on telling me where we were going anytime soon, so I gave up trying to pry it from her and settled into the seat for the ride.

 

It didn't take me long to find out where we were heading either. In fact, the place Kairi refused to speak of turned out to be an arcade and, according to her, it was the last arcade for miles around. To have one so close to home was astonishing. Not only that, it was actually open so early in the morning.

Needless to say, we spent all morning challenging each other to arcade games. She won at air hockey and lost at an arcade fighting game thanks to my trigger happy fingers. I creamed her in a racing game and epically failed in DDR, which didn't surprise me to be honest.

When we grew tired of the games, we went to a nearby pizzeria for lunch and when we grew tired of the arcade in general, we found ourselves in an art and crafts store. We wandered around the aisles, aimless and comfortable. The silence that befell us wasn't due to exhaustion from the day's events, but due to thought. Kairi was in deep thought and because of it, I found myself strolling down the aisles in search of something; the very same something that had fallen behind my bushes and have yet to be retrieved.

"I'm sorry," she said, stopping me in my tracks. I turned to her, unsure of what to think or feel.

Instead, I forced my mouth to move: "Sorry for what?"

"For not really being your friend until now." She replied, her voice small and sad. "I'm sorry that until now, I couldn't see what Sora saw." She reached for her neck and pulled out the golden heart-key necklace Sora gave her a few years ago.

"Here," She pulled off the chain from her neck and gently laid it into my palm. "Sora gave it to me to commemorate our friendship. Now, I'm giving it to you as a sign of our friendship." She smiled again, this time warm and kind.

I stared down at the heart-key necklace, feeling the weight of the metal press against my skin. I wasn't sure how to think or how I should react to her gift, but I didn't have to dwell on it for long. My body reacted on instinct. I reached for the girl across from me and wrapped my arms around her, embracing her frame against my own. She returned the gesture, that pleasant smile still on her lips.

"Thank you for coming with me." She whispered.

"Yeah…" I murmured. _Thank you for asking me._

 

I found Sora waiting for me on the porch later that afternoon. He hurried toward me like a loyal dog greeting his master and asked, rather reluctantly, how my day with Kairi had been.

"It was fun," I said then pulled out the necklace from my pocket. "She gave me this."

Sora eyed the jewelry as it dangled in front of him, the rhinestones glittering in the light of twilight. A mixture of emotions flashed through his eyes-curiosity, surprise and something else. It wasn't an emotion I saw Sora wear too often, mostly because I always thought he wasn't capable of it, but his eyes had shown it and I had seen it. I couldn't deny it, even if I wished to.

I shoved the necklace back into my pocket, ignoring the anger and pain that began to eat at me. The look of hurt in his eyes as he gazed at the necklace stirred the unwanted monster from within.

"Don't tell me your upset because she gave your gift away." Anger flared within my veins, my heart pounding frantically within my ribs.

Sora's expression of hurt changed into anger, but just as quickly as it appeared, it vanished. He shook his head, as if ridding the emotion from his body, and stared into my eyes with blue pools of pity. The monster within suddenly screamed in fury.

"Stop it," I managed, my voice unwavering with emotion. "Stop it, Sora. Now!" My restraint was slipping, fury boiled beneath my skin.

Sora's pity remained evident even as curiosity filtered into his eyes. He doesn't realize what he's doing to me. He doesn't even know that he's doing it.

Pity.

_Pity._

I. Don't. Need. Your. PITY!

You were supposed to be my sanctuary.

You were supposed to be my angel, my little slice of Heaven in this Hell!

The rage must have been apparent. I could only imagine how my face must have looked; how angry my eyes must have burned. Sora's eyes were still so full of pity, it urged every muscle in my being to react in ways I thought I could never do. Without a thought, I shoved him away from me with all the force my rage allowed me to use. I watched with sickening satisfaction as he stumbled backward onto the ground, his blue eyes wide with surprise and shock.

"Roxas, I-"

I felt the nails bite into my palms before I even realized I had them clenched so tight. I barely registered the horrid thought that crossed through my brain, that terrible, burning, intense desire to inflict pain onto someone that wasn't myself. I felt it so strongly in my veins, the desire to ruin something so close to perfection. I had barely noticed the look of fear that flashed through Sora's eyes when I descended upon him like a feral beast about to devour his prey.

And it was just barely that his pleads sliced through the haze of fury that blinded my senses and forced me back to reality.

"ROXAS PLEASE! CALM DOWN!"

"I AM CALM!" I screamed, startling the boy in front of me. "I AM PERFECTLY CALM!" I drew back from him, leaving enough space between us that he would feel less threatened.

The words filtered through my brain like a mantra: Calm.

I'm calm.

Why can't you see that I'm calm?

I'm calm.

I'm calm.

Calm. Calm.

"OK, OK," he said delicately, his fear now replaced with something I thought could have been regret, but it didn't make sense. What did Sora have to regret? "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

His words brought me back to Kairi from yesterday. They were all walking on egg shells around me. They were all keeping their emotions in check because of me. They were scared for me… they were scared of me.

Their years of happiness, of a life before my existence, no longer existed; not even in their memories because I was too corrupted, too vile, too selfish to let them have it. I wasn't like the moon, reflecting back the sun's rays to brighten a dark world. I was worse than that. I had no light. I did not reflect. I was a black hole, devouring the galaxies I came across, just like how I devoured the happiness of others.

That's why I shouldn't be alive.

"I wasn't upset that she gave her necklace, I was—"

"That's OK," I interjected, my voice deceptively calm. "I know."

Sora didn't look convinced. "Roxas—"

"Don't worry about it." _Don't worry for something that means nothing._

Sora's expression never changed but neither did my resolve.

 

Sunday came and went, just like Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday. From Friday to Saturday then Sunday again. The days of the week blurred together until September turned to October and suddenly we were back to when it all began. The staring and whispers had come and gone with the changing of the seasons, but the rumors remained, following me like a shadow where ever I went.

Kairi tried her best to keep me occupied and Sora did everything he could to make me happy, but the reality was harsh.

I had no freedom.

I had no sanctuary.

Everything didn't seem to matter anymore. And worse yet, people were starting to notice.

"He's not getting better," Riku began once my friends were present. They were brought here because Sora had asked them to.

They all thought I would be home, sleeping the world away beneath my blankets, but they were wrong. I sat outside by the curtain that acted as makeshift door from the alley, their voices loud and clear as the day.

"In fact, I think he's worse."

"I thought your mom was going to hire a psychiatrist?" Hayner asked my sister.

"She is, but she hasn't gotten around to it."

Olette suddenly scoffed. "Unbelievable! Roxas needs help and she's not doing anything about it? What kind of mother is that?"

"She's been busy," Sora said with a sigh when Naminé couldn't find her voice.

"Too busy for her family? Unacceptable!" Olette cried. "Roxas needs her! And not just Roxas, Naminé and Cloud need her too."

"Olette—" Naminé tried but Olette wasn't having it.

"No, no more excuses, Naminé. Your mother needs to see reason! Does she even know that Cloud wasn't accepted into the university that he applied to? Or that you won the art contest last week?"

It pained me to know that not even I knew those things about my family. It would appear that my mother wasn't the only one lost in her own little world.

"We're not here to talk about my mom!" My sister cried, her voice uneven. "We're here to talk about Roxas!"

"And what is there to talk about?" Hayner began, his voice suddenly hard with anger. "I'm so sick of this! It's like every day we do nothing but talk about Roxas and his feelings. We shouldn't do this because Roxas might take it the wrong way or we can't do that because he might feel excluded—I'm sick of it! What about the rest of us?! Does he even care about us? No! He doesn't!"

There was movement inside the room that gave me the impression Hayner kicked something aside.

"I'm sick of it you guys. Selphie was right, this isn't healthy for any of us. We can't keep babysitting him. I'm done with it."

"Hayner!" Olette cried, shock evident in her voice.

"No, Olette, I'm serious. I can't deal with him and his attitude anymore."

"Hayner, he's sick—" Pence tried in my defense.

"All the more reason to stop it now." The blonde replied, sounding more resolute than ever before. "God, you guys don't even see it do you? He's destroying us! He's getting to us one by one and he won't stop until he ruins every little bit of happiness that we have!"

"Shut up Hayner! You don't understand what he's going through!" Sora yelled, having heard enough. "We're his friends, we have a responsibility to support and help him recover!"

"No Sora, I've had enough. He's not my friend. Not anymore. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't see me as one—and don't tell me otherwise!"

Silence descended inside the room and for a moment, I thought everyone had left until I remembered there was only one exit and I sat next to it. The curtain flew open, revealing the disgruntled blonde. He barely took notice of my presence and marched down the alley towards home. I watched the retreating figure, my mind blank, but my heart raced with an onslaught of emotions.

I couldn't be mad at Hayner, honestly I couldn't. He was right with every word he said. It didn't surprise me that he wanted out. It only surprised me that it took so long.

"I'm sorry…"

My attention refocused on the Usual Spot, Hayner's back no longer in sight. I heard the tremble within my sister's voice and fought the anger that seized me because of it. Naminé didn't deserve to cry, let alone cry because of me or Hayner.

"…but he's right."

"What part?" Riku snorted. "The fact that there's nothing we can do or the fact that he's destroying us?"

"Both," she murmured, her voice soft, fragile, like she were on the verge of tears. "None of you should have to go through this. This is my family's problem, not anyone else's. OK?" I heard her voice break before she could finish. She stormed out of the room, her voice buried beneath her hands as a sob wracked throughout her petite frame. Olette and Kairi followed after her, neither of them noticing my presence.

Pence appeared moments later. He glanced into my direction, our eyes meeting for a moment. We didn't say a word, we didn't need to. Pence's eyes gave way what he felt about me and the situation I had brought to them: he felt sympathetic for me… and for the rest of my family.

He followed after the girls, leaving me with only Sora and Riku for company.

"That didn't go how I wanted it to go," Sora sighed in defeat.

Riku snorted. "That went exactly how I expected it to, right down to Hayner losing it."

"Do you agree with him?"

"Honestly? I do. I would be much happier without Roxas's crippling depression, but he'd expect me to give up and I'm not going to let him have the satisfaction." Riku's voice grew closer to the door as he spoke. "The way I see it, he's doing this on purpose. He wants to make our lives a living hell because in the end, he knows we'll give up and when we do, he won't feel guilty for taking the leap, but I'm not giving up. He's too much fun to leave alone.

"Anyway," Riku began with a change of tone. "I'm going home. See you."

He left the room without a glance in my direction, but something in my gut told me he knew all along that I was there. Sora stepped out of the hideout a few minutes after Riku had disappeared from sight and took an empty spot to my left.

I wanted to question him, to ask how he or Riku knew that I was there the whole time, but I found my lips wouldn't move. The energy required to use my voice was no longer there. Instead, I scooted closer to him, feeling the warmth that radiated from him despite the chill in the autumn air.

"I'm not giving up." He stated after a few seconds of comfortable silence. He kept his eyes focused on the perpetual twilight that overlooked the town, but I felt his fingers snake into my own. I squeezed his hand, thankful for the touch.

He would never give up, I knew that all too well, but for how long could his stubbornness last? Riku was right about one thing, pushing my friends away was easy, pushing my family away would be hard, but pushing Sora away… that seemed nearly impossible.

_Why won't you give up?_


	13. Chapter 13

School the following day was awkward. Hayner had split from our corner in favor for the desk on the opposite side of the room. Pence had chosen to remain at his side, despite his neutrality. Namine found it was easier to pretend nothing was wrong, that yesterday had never happened even when the aftermath was so blaringly obvious. Denial had a knack of giving you a false sense of security like that. Kairi and Olette tried to rectify the problem, but Namine was almost as stubborn as I; she refused to see reason. She refused to acknowledge that Hayner was no longer our friend; that her family was a dysfunctional mess; that everything in the world was spiraling out of control and no one had the power to stop it or to make it better again.

It broke my heart that my sister was suffering and there was nothing I could do to change it.

Sora took the dwindling friendship much better than I expected him to. He reacted like he always did, with happy smiles and melodious laughter, but I knew it ate at him on the inside. He might not have been friends with Hayner for as long as he was friends with Riku and Kairi, but Hayner and Pence were still his friends and to have lost them within a matter of a day must have pained him more than I could understand. And the fact he was hurt by Hayner's decision hurt me too.

I released a heavy sigh.

"Talk to him."

Sora tore his eyes away from the distant blonde towards me, the sadness that had shadowed his eyes no longer present. "Huh?" was his eloquent reply.

I gestured toward Pence and Hayner; the latter did everything within his power to ignore our watchful gazes. "Talk to him. He's angry at me, not you. You're still his friend."

Sora shook his head, a small trace of anger flashed through his eyes. "He's not my friend if he won't be yours."

I rolled my eyes. "Sora—"

"It's my decision." He stated, his voice stern. "Not yours."

"It's stupid!" I snapped, making sure to keep my voice low so that the others didn't hear us. "You're going to sacrifice a friendship just like that?"

"You're worth the cause even if you don't think so."

The rest of my words died in my throat, leaving me stunned to the core. I shouldn't have been so surprised, it was such a Sora thing to say, but the weight of his words was heavy in my heart.

_You don't even realize what I've done to you…_

 

It was infectious, corruption. Taint. It was like a poison, devouring and destructive. Sanctuary had been beautiful, liberating, tranquil, and yet I destroyed it with my disgrace—with my envy and hate.

_I ruined you and you can't even see it._

What have I done?

 

Where did time go?

It was question I asked myself repeatedly in hopes of finding an answer I could be happy with. Yet, I had no answer.

Somehow, the day had gone by without my notice. Somehow, I was no longer sitting in homeroom waiting for the first class of the day. Somehow, I wasn't in gym with Kairi or Riku or texting Sora or doing class work. I was no longer in the cafeteria eating lunch with Kairi or Riku or in Anatomy listening to Riku and Sora talk about the day's events. I was suddenly home again with Cloud serving dinner while Mom applied make up upstairs for another night shift at work.

"Do you really have to go?" Namine asked my mother for the fourth time that day. "We haven't had dinner together in the longest."

"I know sweetie, but we're understaffed right now so the hospital needs all the nurses they can get." She kissed my sister on the head then planted a kiss on mine. "I'll be back soon, OK?" she turned to my brother and planted a kiss on his cheek. "If anything happens call Laguna, he'll know what to do. Good bye babies!" And with that, she was gone.

Cloud sighed as he served dinner to the rest of us. He sat across from me at the table, his expression just as sullen as Namine's. Olette's words from the previous day replayed through my mind.

"She doesn't care, does she?"

Cloud and Namine tore their eyes away from their untouched meals to refocus on me. I twirled the fork through the spaghetti mound, watching the noodles swirl between the throngs of the utensil into a knot. I glanced toward them, eyes as cold as ice.

"She doesn't care."

It was no longer a question but a statement of fact. A fact my siblings refused to acknowledge.

"She's been busy," said Cloud, his brows furrowing. "The hospital is low on nurses this year. They need all the help they can get."

"Yeah," Namine agreed. "Mama still cares."

I shook my head, denying their claims and angry they believed it in the first place. "She doesn't, not anymore." Rage began to surge through me, devouring my hunger and silencing my hurt. "All she does is work, work, work, work. She doesn't have time for us! She will never have time for us."

"That's not true," Namine said, her eyes already glassy with tears. "She's just—"

"Busy," I finished darkly, my eyes blazing into hers. "Face it Namine, we have no mother."

"That's enough!" my brother commanded. He was already on his feet, his eyes staring daggers into mine. "Enough is enough Roxas. We're sick of this. It's time to wake up and grow up!"

The monster within stirred awake. It fed off my fury and clawed through the layers of my skin, closer and closer to the surface it went. Through layers and layers until my restraints grew weak and I could no longer hold back.

"Wake up? Wake up?!" disgust coiled inside me, the monster displeased. "News flash, I can't fucking wake up you moron!" The words spilled out of my mouth before I could restrain them. "You think I want to stay in this fucked up nightmare?! You think I want to stay in this house with an absent workaholic mother, a jerk off brother and a weak ass sister? No, I don't want to be here, Cloud. I wish I could wake up!" Rage rolled through me in powerful, uncontrollable waves. "I WISH I COULD GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER HAVE TO WAKE UP IN THIS FUCKING HELL HOLE AGAIN!"

The last of my screams left me breathless, yet I still had more to give. My body felt like fire and my lungs burned with every breath I took. The monster inside me was still dissatisfied. It gnawed at my insides, urging me to go on. More anger, more pain, more hate, more, moremoremore…

Namine stared at me with eyes lost in a sea of tears, her mouth agape and her body frozen with shock. Despair poured from her very being, but it was nothing compared to the fury that surged through my brother, whose body shook from head to toe with the dangerous emotion.

"Fine," he seethed, barely in control of himself. "Fine. Fine. Go. GO!" He gripped the edge of the table so tight his knuckles grew white under the light. "GO AHEAD AND DIE!" he screamed. He shoved the plates aside, ignoring the deafening clatter of glass as it shattered against the wall. "SEE IF WE CARE! You'll be doing us a favor once you're dead!"

Namine's front shattered at that moment. She burst into tears; the wail that escaped her was enough to pull on anyone's heart strings. She stormed past Cloud and up the stairs, her footsteps a flurry of noise. Her sobs could be heard all the way to her room and only fell silent when her door sealed her off from the rest of us.

Cloud tore his murderous gaze away from mine, his fury now mixed with frustration, sadness and regret. He turned away from me and, without a word, left me alone in the kitchen with nothing but the echoes of our screams playing through my head.

I waited until he was gone; until he was no longer within earshot of my footsteps or too far to bother to stop me. I left the house without regret, without tears in my eyes or guilt in my heart. The truth had been plain as day: no one cared.

And I didn't either.


	14. Chapter 14

Watching the world from so high up was both transfixing and dizzying. It amazed me how easy it had been to climb up here or how my body knew where to go in the first place. They say it was the tallest tower in all of Twilight Town and they weren't wrong. From the clock tower, it was easy to see where Twilight Town ended and another began. The world seemed so much smaller than it did from down below. And the sky… oh how the sky could captivate you. From the deepest shades of red to the lightest shades of yellow, twilight had never looked so breath taking until now.

How long have I been up here?

_It doesn't matter._

Is Cloud looking for me?

_It doesn't matter._

Is anyone?

_It doesn't matter._

Would they ever find me?

_No, because it doesn't matter. So take the leap, make the fall, it doesn't matter, just end it all._

I stood out on the ledge of the clock tower, my eyes focused on the eternal sunset. Peace wrapped around me like a blanket, settling the onslaught of emotions that coursed through my veins since I left the house.

I was alone on this ledge. It was too high to see the civilians down below, too high to keep me alive, too high for me to give a damn. No one would stop me, I decided. No one cared to anymore, because Hayner had been right and so had Riku. Silentium was not just something to keep me quiet; it was a destructive curse that would follow me for as long as I lived. Happiness was unobtainable no matter how hard I tried to reach it. I just never would.

"Roxas?"

_Not even with you…_

"How did you know I would be here?" I asked with a sigh. "I didn't tell anyone."

"Cloud called me." He replied, his voice saddened. "He told me what happened and said you left the house when you thought no one was looking. He didn't know where you were going, but I had a hunch. It looks like my hunch was right."

"Don't talk me out of it." I said sternly. "I made my decision."

"I'm not going to talk you out of it," he climbed onto the ledge beside me, his right hand intertwining with my scarred left.

"What are you doing?"

Sora gazed at the world below, apprehension in his eyes. I felt him squeeze my hand as if in reassurance, though I wasn't sure who he was trying to reassure.

"I made my decision too," he murmured in response. "I already told you once, I can't live without you."

I frowned, disbelieving what I was hearing. "You did it before."

He shook his head in disagreement. "I wasn't whole before, Roxas. Not until I met you. You made me whole." Sora turned his blue eyes toward me, his love plain as day. "I'm not about to let my other half leave without me."

He brought our linked hands toward his lips and placed a gentle peck against my scarred knuckles. Panic began to eat at me as the world became all too real. This was not what I had planned!

"Do you have any idea what you're saying?" I couldn't keep the urgency and fear out of my voice. "Do you even know what you're planning to do?! If we jump, we'll die! You won't wake up. You won't see Leon, your dad or Riku or Kairi. You won't see anything after this!"

"Maybe not," he turned his gaze toward the horizon, his face at peace. "But we'll be together in the end. That's all that matters."

"Why!?" Desperation gripped me at his words. My vision began to blur, the hurricane of emotions too much to bear. "Why are you doing this?! You're not tainted or defiled! You're not broken, Sora! So why doesn't anything else matter to you?!" I nearly screamed at him.

He turned to me, a small, innocent smile gracing his lips.

"I told you that too. It's because I love you more than anything in the world. I would give up everything just to see you happy and if this is the only way, then so be it."

My heart stopped, his confession too heavy to be real.

My lungs felt breathless as though his words stole the very air from me.

My mind went blank, too shocked to comprehend.

But it was real, he had said it. He was here on the ledge with me. He was here holding my hand. He was here ready to throw the world away… just for me.

_Why sacrifice everything for me?_

_"It's because I love you."_

_"You're worth the cause even if you don't think so."_

_"I made a promise to protect him, even if I have to protect him from himself, I'm not leaving him."_

_"I love him too much to walk away."_

His voice filtered into my mind, memories upon memories replayed with his voice as the narrative. All his promises, all his confessions—all truths, never lies.

How long have I been so blind?

Before I knew it, my vision blurred and a painful sob escaped my lips. I yanked him backwards so that our bodies fell back onto the ground of the clock tower instead of on the cement down below. He wrapped his arms around me tight; his heart beat so loud I could hear it within his chest. I cried into his torso the tears that had wanted to spill for a year since the nightmare began.

For the first time in the longest, I felt free.

Freedom had never tasted so sweet.


	15. Epilogue

Hayner stared at the blue confection with a scowl. He twirled the sweet within his fingers, inspecting every nook and cranny for a reason to deny it, but as I expected, he found nothing. He raised his brown eyes to mine, expecting an explanation for this unexpected treat.

"It's a peace offering," I explained. He raised an eyebrow in response. "For everything I've put you through. I'm sorry."

He twirled the ice cream in his hand again. "Are you… you know."

I sighed in defeat, the thought of seeing a psychiatrist already had me tired. "Yeah, I start next Saturday." I confessed.

He bit into his ice cream, his face impassive. "That sucks bro, but," he raised up his arm, the very same arm that had broken when he tried to catch me from the roof. "I'm glad you're getting help."

We bumped our arms together—it was Hayner's way of greeting nowadays. We continued our trek toward the Usual Spot where the others waited for us, when Hayner suddenly remembered something.

"Oh, by the way, I have something important to show you."

He stuffed his hand into his pocket in search for something. He fished around for a moment until he pulled out a crumbled up newspaper clipping from the local newspaper.

"Here," he handed me the article and continued walking ahead of me.

I unfurled the crumbled sheet, straightening out as much as I could and began to read. My heart nearly stopped at the photo that stared back at me. His cold calculative gaze remained present on his face despite the fact that his whole world had crashed around him in a matter of days. His picture hadn't changed, not that I expected it to. Marluxia would always be cold and heartless no matter how many years went by.

"He's been convicted," I said. It was more of a statement rather than a question.

Hayner stopped walking and turned to me, his frozen treat nothing more than a stained stick in his hand. "Yeah, on charges of illegal firearm possession and four accounts of rape."

I tore my eyes away from the article in an instant. "Four?"

Hayner nodded grimly, his face slightly squeamish. "Larxene confessed." He began. "She said she was the first and you were the last. There were two others in between. It's all in the article. She took pictures of the, uh, you know. She said they were meant to be kept as prizes but… well… guess we know how that turned out." He shook his head, his body rigid with disgust. "A-anyway, Roxas, I'm sorry too about… how I reacted to everything."

I shook my head, crumbling the article in my hands. I tossed it aside, no longer wanting to read it. It no longer mattered to me what would happen to Marluxia or Larxene. It was time I lay the past to rest.

"Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter."

"If you say so." He shrugged, a smile suddenly crossing his lips. "So, you still owe me thirty more days' worth of sea-salt ice cream."

I snorted, not at all surprised he remembered our deal. "Fine. I hope you get cavities afterwards."

"Was breaking my arm not enough for you?"

I laughed.

 

Later that day, Sora and I walked together, hand in hand. He held onto my scarred hand, the one he seemed to favor the most lately and spoke animatedly about something that happened during lunch. He glanced my way when I didn't say a word and tugged me closer to him so that our shoulders brushed the other.

"You're quiet today. Something on your mind?" he asked.

I shook my head, for once at peace with the world. "I'm just happy."

"Good. You deserve happiness."

I stopped walking, pulling Sora to a stop beside me. He gazed into my eyes quizzically.

"Remember in first year, when you asked me to join you for breakfast? Why did you ask me?"

Sora tilted his head slightly, as though I were asking him something he didn't understand. And who knew, perhaps I was.

"You don't remember, do you?"

"Remember what?" it was my turn to give him a puzzled look.

"In third grade." I gave him a look that screamed of sarcasm which only made him laugh. "I figured you wouldn't remember. It was in third grade, Dad dropped me off a little too early for class so I sat outside the classroom waiting when you and Naminé showed up…"

I saw it unfold before my eyes as though it were happening for the first time. We were eight years old again, my sister and I, with our pink and blue back packs strapped around our shoulders and our uniforms cleanly pressed. It was a time when our mother cared, when she was there to watch over us and feed us… when she was still Mom.

Sora sat in front of the classroom, his lunch box on his lap and a pout on his face. He saw us arrive just as we saw him and his face lit up like a thousand watt bulb.

He threw out his hand toward us in greeting and said, "Hi! My name is Sora. I'm new here starting today. What's your name?"

Naminé shifted behind me, her wide eyes fearful as I stared at him with an expression void of emotion. Sora retracted his hand, a little saddened by the cold reception and a little embarrassed that his overly cheerful display of friendship was shot down so quickly. His look of hurt and embarrassment brought a wave of guilt into my heart so strong, my conscious chose to rectify our mistake without a second thought.

"Roxas."

Sora turned his gaze to me in confusion. "Huh?"

"Roxas. My name is Roxas and this is Naminé, my sister." I gestured to Naminé, who scuttled back further behind me so that her blue eyes were barely visible from behind my blue back pack. She gave him a very timid wave before her face broke out into a bright blush and she hid herself behind my back pack again.

"Roxas," he said, trying the name out as it rolled off his tongue. His face suddenly lit up once more. "We have the same name! That's so cool!"

I scowled at the thought, unable to see the connection but Naminé giggled behind me. I shook my head and turned away, already too hungry to deal with someone like him so early in the morning.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

I glanced over my shoulder. "The cafeteria. I'm hungry."

"Oh, OK."

We stopped walking just as he sat back down on the floor, his attention now focused on the lunch box.

"What are you doing?" I asked, grabbing his attention again. "If you're hungry too then come with us."

"Really?"

"Unless you want to stay here by yourself."

A bright smile split across his face. "No, I'll come!"

I snapped out of the memory, surprised to see we stood in front of the train station that held the clock tower.

"I never got the chance to thank you for that." Sora went on, oblivious to my flashback. "It's because of you I met Riku and Kairi that day. My only regret was that I couldn't be your friend until now."

I frowned. "How is it that I didn't remember that until now?"

Sora's face screwed up at the question as though he remembered something painful. "That's probably because Riku shoved you into the garbage can after the lunch ladies threw out last night's pudding during lunch. It wasn't pretty." He grimaced.

I snorted. "And because of that, he suddenly became your best friend. Nice Sora. Thanks for the memory."

The brunet shook his head with a laugh. He pulled me toward the building, his eyes bright with joy but not from the memory I had no idea we shared until now. "I tried to apologize but your brother wasn't happy with me when I came to see you. He chased me for a good three blocks on his bicycle afterwards."

I couldn't help but laugh at the image in my head. It must have been a time before Cloud became friends with Leon. I wonder if my brother ever confessed to Leon about chasing an eight-year-old Sora three blocks down the street.

"Anyway, c'mon. I have a surprise you." He pulled me into the train station and led me up the familiar staircase that I had once taken. Up the flight of stairs we went, déjà vu enveloping my senses the further up we went. We reached the top in minutes, the twilight just as beautiful and breath taking as that day I stood out here alone. But today, it seemed so much more beautiful than ever before and I quickly understood the reason why.

Riku, Kairi, Naminé, Pence, Hayner and Olette sat on the edge of the clock tower, their feet dangling over without a care in the world. They greeted us with happy smiles and passed around a cooler filled with sea-salt ice cream until we each held one sweet confection in our hands. Sora and I sat at the very end of the row, gazing out into the vast horizon.

"Hey Sora?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you… for everything."

He shook his head, his expression serene. "You don't have to thank me. There's nothing to thank me for."

"Hmm…" I took a bite out of my ice cream, my gaze still fixated on the setting sun. "Hey Sora?"

"Hmm?" He mumbled again, bringing the ice cream close to his lips for a bite.

"I love you."

He turned to me just as I turned to him and our eyes met once more in an unwavering gaze. He smiled, his body leaning into mine. Our lips met, as they always had done on countless occasions for a thousand different reasons, but somehow this time felt different than all the rest. This time, his kiss was not done out of worry or concern or fear for my well-being. It was not done out of reassurance or to keep a promise. This time, it was done purely out of love.

_I'm not perfect and neither are you, but that's OK because I love you and you love me too._

That was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
